Abusive ex and temper

[pandaeyes36]

I split up with my ds (now aged 10) dad when he was just a baby. It was a bad relationship, he was financially and emotionally controlling, very abusive and had a horrible temper. He lied and was manipulative and it took me a long time to recover from the relationship.
Five years on he got married and had two more kids who are now 1 and 3. My ds visits every other weekend and over the years my ex and I have become civil almost friendly. I thought he had grown up and changed his ways.
But now his wife (who I get along well with) has confided in me that things are worse than ever. He treats her terribly just like he did with me. Probably worse from what she's said. Worst of all his temper is awful with her two younger kids. One is going through the difficult toddler phase and he has no patience, shouts, swears and has been physical with them smacking which I think is awful for such young kids. I've witnessed his temper and it must be terrifying for a child. I asked how he is with my ds and she said overall ok because he is older and easier to handle but there have been incidents in the past where he's 'lost it' with him too.
I've gently tried to ask ds how he feels about going to his dads and he seems settled and happy. He's never upset when he comes home and seems happy to go. But I can't shake off this feeling of unease.
I keep thinking his wife must be desperate to confide in me of all people and it makes me wonder what's going on behind closed doors having been a victim of his abuse myself. But I feel I can't say anything as it's her business and although she's unhappy she is staying with him for now at least.
I mostly worry for my son and what he's seeing or being subjected to when he's there.
Wwyd in this situation? I realise I can't just withhold contact so do I just make sure I keep a close eye on ds?

Personally I would anonymously report what you’ve been told to their nearest social work office.

Oh and yes, I realise the wife will probably figure out it was you and never confide in you again....which is obviously not good, but I would want to protect all 4 of them more.

The thought had crossed my mind but I'm not sure how seriously it would be taken. It's not perpetual abuse on the kids it's just angry outbursts then back to normality. They'd probably not do anything and then it would cause a massive divide between all of us for nothing.

Well he's back to his default behaviour pattern. If as you say it's nothing overt that would be picked up on by social services & your DS seems happy to go & ok, I'd let him know if he ever wants to not go that's ok & I'd be there for his new partner tbh. He reeled her in like he did you & she's prob a decent person, like you seem to be, to feel for her & her own children. Does she have anywhere to go, does she know all the support available? Having children means she'll be a priority Housing wise , with DV charity on board. Housing also have a Landlord Incentive scheme where they pay private landlords a £1200 incentive to take benefits tenants (proviso is that housing benefit goes direct to LL ). To me, much better than waiting years for a council flat in a not great area.

Thank you @CSIblonde I do fully empathise as I've been there. I just naively thought that things would have improved over the years. My son always seems happy and I've had no obvious reasons to worry but now I know what's been going on I feel uneasy about him going there but also don't feel in a position to stop contact iyswim.
I advised her as best I could and said my door is always open for support however difficult it might make my situation with my ex. Ultimately though my son is my main priority. I feel sad that he has such an arsehole for a father.

Those children need protection; if not you, who?

But what can I do? I haven't witnessed anything. I can't say that I have noticed withdrawal or bruises or emotional distress from my son because I haven't. The behaviour she has told me about is horrible but I doubt it is uncommon enough to flag up on the radar of social services. I just feel like it would open a can of worms and nothing at all would come from it.

I wouldn’t risk alienating this woman by reporting what she’s told you at this stage. It sounds like she very much needs a friend and it’s very useful for you to have her as one also. I think for her to be telling you these things she has probably already half decided to leave this man anyway. Keep the lines of communication open with her and keep an eye on any behavioural changes in your DS also.

I think it's amazing that you have such a good relationship with ex's wife, but its so sad and perhaps predictable that she is going through what you went through. I don't know whether reporting is the way forward or not as I'm not qualified to say, but I would offer to be a place for her and your son's siblings to run to if it turns nasty and be an ally when hopefully when she is strong enough to realise she is in an abusive relationship.

But what can I do? I haven't witnessed anything. I can't say that I have noticed withdrawal or bruises or emotional distress from my son because I haven't. The behaviour she has told me about is horrible but I doubt it is uncommon enough to flag up on the radar of social services. I just feel like it would open a can of worms and nothing at all would come from it.

My ex was same as yours and you are right, according to the police smacking is fine I ran to them in state one morning free he threatened me with violence and taking my kids, they said within reasonable force is fine, ,health visitor said there is a fine line and to be honest her ex sounds like mine and I told social everything but he turned it around on me and even though my eldest 6 at the time told her it was him she still said she didn’t know who to believe and seek legal advice after she visited him. Oh and he done pretty awful stuff, swearing calling my little babies all sorts, losing his temper, threatening me, everything but didn’t have proof!! But I didn’t have the back of any exes but apparently he treated them pretty crap too. I would maybe encourage her to go to women’s aid and be there for her.