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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my manager not to tell her boss I’m pregnant

52 replies

PinkPlantCase · 28/10/2020 23:04

I can see the benefit of telling my manager fairly early on about pregnancy. I feel really crap and having her support or at least understanding would be useful. She manages our team but doesn’t have any involvement with salaries.

Her boss however will be deciding on our annual pre-Christmas pay increase. There’s no set performance criteria for the pay rise though I’m due a decent one as my role has expended substantially since my salary was last set. I’d rather the person setting this wage increase didn’t know I was pregnant until this is all sorted (worried about being fobbed off with less than I’m due).

I also work in a job where long hours are fairly normal, there’s a general attitude around just cracking on with unpaid overtime to achieve difficult deadlines. Often late into the night.

My manager however has been trying to change this for us and I think she would respect that I really need my sleep at the minute and so will need more help in achieving hard deadlines as I’m knackered at the best of times atm!

Thoughts? Do you think she’d tell her boss anyway?

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 29/10/2020 08:35

If it were me I would just tell the manager that you aren't sure whats going on but you feel really unwell at the moment and finding the tough hours difficult. I wouldn't even mention the pregnancy until after the pay thing has been confirmed and hide everything behind an 'unknown illness'. Once that's happened you can happily tell everyone without getting in 'trouble'. So sad you have to even think about this in 2020! I understand this is a bit deceitful but put yourself first if you're worried about repercussions.

WhereamI88 · 29/10/2020 08:36

I work in a place that keeps saying it's trying to promote women etc. We have over 200 employees and not a single woman who had children while with us. Women who get pregnant mysteriously decide to resign as soon as they announce their pregnancy i.e. they get managed out and it's easier to claim they resigned. It's awful. Took me a few years to catch on to what was happening. Women who have kids are much older and had them a long time ago, in other workplaces.

ImMoana · 29/10/2020 08:36

No way would I say anything.
I told my direct manager I was having ivf as I thought she would be supportive, I needed time off for appointments and it felt like the right thing to do.
I asked her to keep it confidential as it was a very gossip driven environment.
She told everyone. Plus the ivf didn’t work. I felt mortified.

Keep it to yourself for as long as you can if you want it to remain confidential.

Original poster
PinkPlantCase · 29/10/2020 08:38

@OoohTheStatsDontLie thankyou for sharing! This was exactly the kind of thing I can see them doing.

Fingers crossed the tiredness eases up! It more that I feel bad depriving myself of sleep to help meet work deadlines when I’m growing a person! Worried it’ll have an impact on babies development.

I’m not really saying I’m trying to sleep more than the average person I just don’t want to have to work till midnight/1am after doing a full 9-5

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPlantCase · 29/10/2020 08:41

@ImMoana that’s terrible! Shock

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 08:42

It more that I feel bad depriving myself of sleep to help meet work deadlines when I’m growing a person! Worried it’ll have an impact on babies development.

It w

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 08:47

It more that I feel bad depriving myself of sleep to help meet work deadlines when I’m growing a person! Worried it’ll have an impact on babies development.

It won't. Your baby will be fine. You might be less so! Tired, etc.

But regardless, notifying your manager that you are pregnant wouldn't enable them to provide you with opportunities for naps.

I’m not really saying I’m trying to sleep more than the average person I just don’t want to have to work till midnight/1am after doing a full 9-5

This is not a reasonable work schedule for anyone, pregnant or not, and I've rarely heard of it except in extremely high pressured situations. So don't work those hours. No pay or bonus can be contingent on working till 1 am.

Many roles require working beyond 5.30 but for an hour or 2 when needed, and not routinely till 1 am.

Hopoindown31 · 29/10/2020 08:51

You have to remember that when you tell your manager you are pregnant you are formally informing the company of that fact. Your manager will need to inform all those who need to informed to make correct adjustments and do appropriate planning. If one of my staff informed me that they were pregnant I would need to inform HR and manager, I simply don't have any choice.

Therefore if it suits you to delay informing your boss until a later time then that is up to you, but you can't expect any reasonable adjustments to be made until you do I'm afraid.

Hopoindown31 · 29/10/2020 08:52

Also, why are you working such crazy hours?

peachypetite · 29/10/2020 08:52

OP are you intending to go back after maternity? This doesn’t sound like a job that’s compatible with being a mum.

TheLette · 29/10/2020 08:54

I work for an apparently super progressive workplace (named as one of the top employers for women) but held off on telling my employer of pregnancy until promotion rounds and pay reviews were completed. My fairly dinosaur boss has made too many comments in the past about women getting promoted then announcing their pregnancy very soon after (this being "cheeky" apparently) for me to do otherwise. If you say nothing, it will have no impact on you, but if you tell someone there is a risk of an impact on your remuneration.

ihatethebus · 29/10/2020 09:00

I wouldn't say a word until after the pay rise. Unconscious bias exists and if you are not happy with the increase you will always wonder. The tiredness eases off after week 10/11 I found.

Original poster
PinkPlantCase · 29/10/2020 09:43

Those hour’s aren’t every day, but probably twice a week. I don’t work in law but I do know lots of people in legal who also work hours like this.

When I logged off at 11:30pm last night 20% of my team were still online.

@peachypetite yes, we’re building up the team at a more junior level to help share the load. It won’t be like this forever and they acknowledge that we shouldn’t need to work these hours but can’t do much about it in the short term.

OP posts:
LG101 · 29/10/2020 09:47

How many weeks are you now? It all tends to calm down 10-12 weeks for most people (unless you are unlucky like me) so if it’s only a few weeks hold tight and play it by ear

IdblowJonSnow · 29/10/2020 09:53

Keep schtum!
Don't tell anyone at work. It's too hard a secret for people to keep. Agree it puts her in a really awkward position.
Congratulations.

paap1975 · 29/10/2020 10:13

Don't announce anything until after Christmas. You problably won't be showing much anyway. Hard to see how you'll be able to stay in the job with those hours though, once you have a baby to look after.

WhereamI88 · 29/10/2020 11:22

@EarringsandLipstick Actually it is routine in a lot of jobs these days I'm afraid. In law and finance it's routine and in my job you would be fired pretty quickly if you are not routinely working past 9-10pm. This applies to very junior staff who barely get paid above minimum wage too. If I tried to log off or leave work at 7-8, that would be it for my career. It gets easier as you progress because you're directing people on what work to do rather than doing it yourself but you still need to be on and available.

I also have a friend working in a tech start up and, since Covid, the owners of the business have been working 'shifts' because of childcare meaning everyone is now working 7am - 9pm every day. These are people who signed up for a 9-5 job but there is no way they can find another job now as, even though it's IT, it relates to hospitality. So they are stuck working 14 hours a day, no overtime, for 25k a year. This whole "work from home" thing has benefited senior people and a absolutely fucked young people.

throwaway100000 · 29/10/2020 11:28

When is your pay increase usually confirmed?

Original poster
PinkPlantCase · 29/10/2020 12:09

@throwaway100000 anywhere between the end of Nov. And Christmas.

I’m only 7 weeks at the minute.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 29/10/2020 12:55

@whereamI88

Doesn't mean it is acceptable. I can kind of understand it if you are megabucks but why bother for minimum wage when you can get jobs without such requirements? I'm guess there must be some progression opportunities or something.

BIL works in IT at a law practice and so I know how shit they treat their staff. He is being forced to come into the office (in a city centre) everyday because one of the partners feels there should be an IT person in the office (note, partners are rarely if ever in the office because of COVID). He can do all his work at home just as well and spends most of the time on teams calls. He is routinely expected to be 'on call' out of hours and doesn't get paid any extra for it. He is, unsurprisingly looking for work elsewhere.

WhereamI88 · 29/10/2020 13:22

@Hopoindown31in my job, you do it for the possibility of progression to mega bucks. In my friend's case, he's stuck because if he leaves he cannot find anything else at all at the moment...the CEO has taken the whole flexible working thing very well in that he now works around his kids but the rest of the staff need to work 9-5 (to pick up client calls and requesta) but also answer emails and be on calls before his kids wake up and after his kids are in bed. It's awful.

Unfortunately OP, employers will always take take take and will treat you like shit at any given opportunity. Recessions tend to give employers even more power over people. You have to keep cards very close to your chest and keep that bonus!

My cousin was made "redundant" when 6 months pregnant. They actually just wanted to get rid of her for being pregnant and hired someone for the exact same role 1 month later. She could have taken them to court but she wouldn't have been able to take a job in the same industry again...

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 13:43

@WhereamI88

In law and finance it's routine

I'm not doubting your personal experience. But I also know many people working in these areas, and it's absolutely not

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 13:44

Eek, posted too soon

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 13:46

Should say... absolutely not universal, even within these sectors.

Where it is, there are options to chose other areas which minimise the possibility of such late hours.

I work long days often, and longer at the moment, like you say, due to childcare responsibilities during Covid & wfh. I'm grateful, in my case, that I can.

Industries that routinely have people working at 1130 pm are not good places to work.

OP needs to reconsider where she works. This isn't compatible with parenthood.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/10/2020 13:47

Unfortunately OP, employers will always take take take and will treat you like shit at any given opportunity.

@WhereamI88

Correction: some employers

It's not all.