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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you tell your partner if you didnt fancy them any more?

21 replies

Helpimill · 28/10/2020 20:07

My husband is my first boyfriend. We have been together since 16, I'm now 32. I love him to pieces but really dont fancy him anymore. He has put on alot of weight, eats crap constantly and does no exercise. His hair is always a mess and he hasn't looked after his teeth which are now chipping and discoloured. I wont say anything to him, I do encourage him to eat better but he works away monday to Friday so eats whatever we he wants from the hotel menu.
I find myself looking at well kept/ not overweight men and wishing my husband looked that way.
Would you tell your partner if you felt that way?

OP posts:

ssd · 28/10/2020 20:08

boohooyoutoo · 28/10/2020 20:08

Yes I would. If he's not the same as when he met you then I think it reasonable to tell him.

MudSmudge · 28/10/2020 20:13

Yes. I met DH when we were 16. He's gained weight but I still think he's GORGEOUS. Everyone loves a dad bod, right? I wouldn't be nasty about it, but I'd be upfront and say that those things are causing you to feel less attracted to him - and propose a solution. Maybe pay for teeth whitening for him and a nice haircut and a gym membership? Go on a health kick together and be prepared for him to say he feels the same way about your weight gain or new haircut? Don't throw away 16 years together because you were too shy to tell him the truth before it's too late - I'd be more hurt by losing the person I love or finding out they were unhappy for a long time than I would by an honest discussion about my changes in appearance/behaviour.

Original poster

Helpimill · 28/10/2020 20:20

I eat healthy, exercise, have spent a fortune on my teeth, have started with a personal trainer and ask him to join in with it all but hes not interested 😪 I do love him but I dont want to hurt his feelings. Just don't know how to go about saying anything/ if I should say anything at all.

OP posts:

MudSmudge · 28/10/2020 20:42

@Helpimill

Your options are:

Stay with him despite not being attracted to him.
Leave him.
Tell him the truth.

If I were in his position, I'd be least hurt by option 3.

LouiseTrees · 28/10/2020 21:18

I would tell him he’s let himself go a bit, point out how much effort you put in and say you are in danger of stopping fancying him ( rather than saying you don’t already)

RickJames · 28/10/2020 21:37

Is he depressed or does he just think he's got it made and he doesn't have to make an effort anymore?

I'd find that out first. The last thing a depressed person needs to hear is that he looks like crap You say he works away. When my DH worked away we barely spoke to each other, I was fuming that he spent all week in a 4 star hotel with a gym and pool, fancy meals etc and I was stuck overseas in a strange city, knew noone, with a 2 year old. On weekends he just lazed about grumbling about his hard life.

That was a long time ago but I've since realised through chatting that he felt really miserable at this time. Actually DS and I had a big new build apartment, new car, and all the time in the world to fanny about doing toddler things and we did have fun together. DH was jealous of us too.

Might your DH be suffering with being away all the time and that lead to him neglecting himself?

Regularsizedrudy · 28/10/2020 21:41

No but I would tell him I need him to look after himself in order for us to have a healthy relationship and I would support him in making changes. But if that’s not something he was able to do I think I would leave.

Original poster

Helpimill · 28/10/2020 21:41

Thanks for your messages. It's been building for a few years, hes only recently started working away. Hes not depressed, he just doesnt care what he looks like.

OP posts:

Screwcorona · 28/10/2020 21:41

Yes but be kind about it. I have with my husband. He got to a point of not bothering about a year ago and had terrible breath and got really fat. Also make little effort to be interested intimately apart from sex. So it was like being blanked all day then bedtime comes hed expect it. Cheeky bugger.
He just got complacent and things have improved. He has a better manual job that has helped his regain fitness and hes sorted his teeth out as best as he can.
We're good now, sometimes one or both of you cant see the changes till its put on the table.

YouJustDoYou · 28/10/2020 21:43

I would, but would also be prepared for the consequences.

Plumplumbadum · 28/10/2020 21:46

You ought to tell him, as kindly as you can. So he at least gets a chance to do something about it. Because really, if he carries on this way you will end up looking at other men. I'm not saying it's right, just human. You love him, and if he loves you too he'll want to improve his physical appearance. I've been in the position of having had a partner tell me I'd put on weight and wasn't as attractive to them as when we'd met. Yes, it was a blow and it hurt. But I at least had a chance to remedy it and lose weight, which I did. Because I didn't want to lose him. I also felt better in myself for doing it.

Goosefoot · 28/10/2020 22:48

No. I can't see any good that would come of it.

I tend to think that most people will at some point not find their partner attractive. It might pass depending on the cause, but I daresay lots of people might find wrinkly old men unattractive, even if they themselves are wrinkly old women.

TeamLucille · 28/10/2020 23:14

I wouldn't wait until the situation is so bad to say something frankly.
I couldn't stay with someone so lazy they are no longer interested in exercising.

I wouldn't stay with someone I don't fancy anymore, or not yet. Maybe I will when I am in my 80s, who knows, but not now. I don't expect them to stay with me either.

The alternative would be to either cheat or more likely leave. If you are in a committed relationship, you own the other one the truth at least.

I don't think it's fair to expect someone to completely change and be different than when you met but it's different when you expect them to stay more or less the same.

Newfornow · 28/10/2020 23:24

Be gentle. I do think you need to say something. Or drop hints. Does that work?

FlyingByTheSeatof · 29/10/2020 01:54

Yes do say something especially as you dont fancy him any more. You'll start to resent him more soon otherwise. Have a get out plan though because once you've said something you'll probably realise you're ready to move on anyway.

DaddysGirlForLife · 29/10/2020 02:10

He doesn't care what he looks like because he thinks he's in a loving relationship and you won't care what he looks like. He's got comfortable!

I bet there is more to it than just the attraction.. like does he irritate you more? Are you finding small things that never bothered you before, that now do?
If so, time to move on! Being with someone for 14years is a long time, especially because you were so young. Don't be afraid to leave the relationship. All good things come to an end at some point. Go and try other men!

DaddysGirlForLife · 29/10/2020 02:11

*16years

FlyNow · 29/10/2020 03:47

Your options are:
1. Stay with him despite not being attracted to him.
2. Leave him.
3. Tell him the truth.

These aren't three seperate options though. If she chooses 3, she still has to then also choose 1 or 2.

I don't know OP, I wouldn't tell someone I didn't fancy them unless I wanted to hurt their feelings. Just because it's pointless. Do you imagine him replying "oh my god you are right OP! I'm so sorry, from now on it's salad all the way". People rarely if ever lose weight in response to being told that, that sort of change comes from yourself.

If you do say something, I'd go from the health perspective, not the physical attraction perspective.

Original poster

Helpimill · 29/10/2020 18:19

Thanks for all your thoughts, it's made it easier to tell him
I just told him that I love him alot but im beginning to feel un attracted to him because he has put on so much weight and his vape has ruined his teeth. I told him I didn't want to upset him but I hoped he could do something about it for his health as well. He took it well, agreed with what a was saying and said he will try. Fingers crossed he does. I dont want to walk away from the relationship we are best friends, have 2 children and have built a nice life together. Hopefully he can start to look after himself.

OP posts:

MadamShazam · 29/10/2020 18:28

Yes, tell him. I would, and i have with DP. He takes no pride in his appearance, and wasn't showering often at all. I'd had enough. I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him until he started showering. He also needs his teeth fixing, and its only the two pronged attack of me and his Mum havinga go at him that has forced his hand to make the appointment.

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