To say something to ex re DD sleepover?

[BettyBo33]

My narc Ex has a new female friend with a DD the same age as our own. They all went for dinner together a few weeks back and my DD ended up having a sleepover at this woman’s house (it’s just her and her DD) My Ex and eldest DD went home to his. By the sounds of it it was very last minute, my DD had a great time and all was good. I was put out that my ex hadn’t told me she wasn’t staying with him that night but being the narc that he is he would inevitably have taken any of my concerns and snowballed them into something else..so I left alone. Tonight DD is having another sleepover. She was really excited to go and my eldest DD reassured me the woman and her daughter are lovely and not to worry in a nutshell. But I don’t know. I need some perspective. I think ex’s narc ways are making me back down over this but should I be asking for this woman’s phone number? To meet her? Is it any different to when DD has a sleepover with one of her school friends and my ex doesn’t really know the parents? My DD is incredibly vocal and had she not wanted to go or been worried in the slightest I would know about to. For confirmation my ex isn’t staying there. What do you think? What would you do? I need perspective please!

Your ex has the right to make parenting decisions without communicating them with you first.

I wouldn’t like it and would feel like you do, but there’s a lot to be gained from knowing that your dd is confident and would say if she were unhappy about it. Ultimately, there’s not much you can do, presumably you wouldn’t feel the need to get your ex’s permission if you were to agree to a sleepover with another friend.

As PP said, your ex is entitled to make his own judgements about who to delegate care of his children to. If you demand this, he would be well within his rights to demand to screen all the people you let your child spend time with on your parenting time. I'm sure you don't mean to be, but I think you risk coming across as very controlling here.

How old is she? I think a lot would depend on her age.

Like you I wouldn’t be happy with the situation either, how long as he known this ‘new friend’?

Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do as it’s his time with the kids so he can choose who has them

I understand why you're uneasy but legally he's allowed to make that decision regardless of your opinion. Is dd1 much older than dd2? It's strange that only dd2 is sleeping over with ex and dd1 going to his home overnight

Your ex has the same rights as you do to decide if this woman is safe - and DDs both agree. You said yourself that you let DD stay over with people that your ex hasn't approved and doesn't know so why should you be any different? DD is having fun and having a nice time.

She’s 8 nearly 9. I’m definitely not trying to be controlling at all. I haven’t said anything to him- just wanted some opinions on how others would feel. My anxiety probably comes from knowing that this woman and him both advocate weed and as I don’t know her I don’t know her stance on eg smoking near the kids etc

Just to clarify DD has only ever had sleepovers with long term friends, school friends of years whose parents we know (ex never bothered to get to know these parents but he knew of them)

@BettyBo33

She’s 8 nearly 9. I’m definitely not trying to be controlling at all. I haven’t said anything to him- just wanted some opinions on how others would feel. My anxiety probably comes from knowing that this woman and him both advocate weed and as I don’t know her I don’t know her stance on eg smoking near the kids etc

If they BOTH smoke weed then it's no different to her being with him. Unfortunately, when you have a child with a man, he gets the same say that you do. If you raised it with him, I'd expect him to respond that it's nothing to do with you - and to point out the hypocrisy of you not consulting him but expecting him to consult you. It sucks but it's his decision, not yours.

my DD had a great time and all was good

THIS is all that matters. Your h is their father and a decent enough one at that...

Back off and let him be their dad.

I’m sure that as he picked you as a wife/partner, he’s picked a decent enough girlfriend

Yes I’m sure you’re right he’d say that exactly. OK thank you for the opinions.

Ime be a bit grateful your ex has made a good call.
I complained to a judge that ex was taking ds's 3+4 to his mate's on a Saturday night. They slept on a chair while he got pissed then walked them back to his at hell knows what time. Different parenting styles apparently are OK..

For your own sake do not go down this path.

Both your DDs are happy with this woman and her DD so leave it. As PPs said he has a right to make his own parenting decisions in his time with them.

I think it's fine to be cautious. But both your DDs seem fine about it which is reassuring. Would your ex give you this woman's number/or could you ask if she would take yours if for eg there was an emergency and she couldn't get hold of your ex?

I think it would make me feel uncomfortable. I know he has every right to "parent" as he sees fit, but there's nothing to stop you asking for this woman's number. Failing that, could you get your dd a phone, to contact you (or get dad) if she needed to?

Or her dad

I’d feel uneasy but ultimately he has chosen that as a safe place just as you have chosen other places as safe for sleep overs without consulting him. It must be really hard not being able to control decisions about your child and where they are, but unless there is a reason to query their safety then I think you have to leave it.

@BettyBo33

Just to clarify DD has only ever had sleepovers with long term friends, school friends of years whose parents we know (ex never bothered to get to know these parents but he knew of them)

But your ex knows this woman quite well so does that not count?! I'd be more bothered about the ex not spending time with his DC on contact day but if your DD wants to go and is happy (shrug), why not?! Does ex spend time with elder DD when youngest is on sleepover?

The thing is - he’s allowed to make decisions when she’s with him and he doesn’t need to run them by you.

Your dd has a good time.

I know it’s hard.