Pregnant and criticised

[Soupset1987]

Hi everyone, I wanted to see if I'm being sensitive.
I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband has called me lazy twice in the last week. The first time he called me lazy I was on a walking holiday with him and friends and the next day I walked 5 miles....
Is this abusive behaviour? I don't know what to do anymore.
Yesterday I had my booking in appointment. After we got home, we started talking about the appointment and the first thing he asked about was my BMI. Is this abusive? I've been with him for 10 years so I just can't tell anymore.
I am at my wits end - and feel so upset by his words. He says I twist what he says and that I don't provide context.

It doesn’t sound particularly kind, but I think context does matter. Asking about your BMI isn’t necessarily abusive depending on how it was done - if it was something you two have discussed or been concerned about in respect of pregnancy then I can see why he might ask if you discussed it, but if he did it to put you down or sneer at you then he’s being a dick. Similarly, calling you lazy might be a throwaway tease not meant to be taken seriously, or it might be him being belittling and unkind.

I suspect from the fact that you’re posting about this that he is intending to upset you with these comments. If so, that’s a horrible tendency in someone who is supposed to love and uplift you.

It is impossible to say without the context. I am sure DH has called me lazy before and I have called him lazy, I have called my dog lazy, but in a light hearted manner. Likewise asking about BMI is not necessarily unkind, it depends if it comes from a place of concern.

It is possible he was being horrible, but also possible you are feeling more sensitive than normal at the moment?

I’m guessing these things haven’t come out of the blue?

Impossible to say without context. Eg are you overweight, which does create risks during pregnancy

He is correct in one thing - that you don’t provide context.

I don’t think anyone else can define if these small examples are abusive or not. It doesn’t sound as though you are particularly happy in the relationship though.

P.s. you are allowed to leave a relationship if you want to without it being “abusive”

Impossible to say without context. Eg are you overweight, which does create risks during pregnancy

Still shouldn’t be the FIRST thing your husband asks you should it? And I’m sure if he’d asked in a loving, supportive way the OP wouldn’t be asking.

OP you’re far more likely to get people just desperate to tell you you’re unreasonable on here. I’ve just read a thread where a woman very clearly being abused is told to grow up and all kinds of other nasty things because nobody can be arsed reading her updates, despite it being incredibly easy to do. So even if you do provide more context here you’ll still no doubt be told its impossible to say and maybe you are lazy and fat and all kinds of other unhelpful stuff.

I agree context is important but if you’re feeling uncomfortable and questioning if his behaviour is abusive it’s likely that this is a pattern and there is more to it. Maybe post again in relationships where you have a chance of more supportive answers than in AIBU?

It’s not abusive for him to ask about your BMI if there’s a possibility it makes a difference to your health or that of the baby.

Calling you lazy is nasty though, does he actually know anything about pregnancy and that it’s normal to be insanely tired in the first trimester?

Did he ask your BMI in a sneery tone? Like he suggested you were lazy and now what’s to know your BMI to see whether his comments were justified?

Context matters here.

I agree it needs some context please.

Thanks @aliasgrape. I've posted in relationships.
For everyone asking my BMI came out as normal (22)

Just to echo.

If you are unhappy then you can leave a relationship at any stage.

You don’t need a reason or permission

@AliasGrape

The vote is mainly for YANBU. Why are you criticising other posters? I cannot see anyone finding fault with OP, just stating that it needs more context, because it does.

If we are to only literally answer the question as posed, then no, asking a spouse what their BMI is, is not abuse. However, clearly a number of posters including myself thought more context was required in order to answe.

I have a domestic violence worker due to leaving a abusive relationship, so she has taught me a lot about tactics they use to try and spot to 1. Help me realise the abuse (I'm getting there slowly) and 2. To not end up in an abusive relationship again. Personally I'd roll my eyes at the comments hes made but I would be wary that he said you twist what he says, as this is a tool perpetrators do use, e.g. my abuser at the beginning would call me a nasty name and if that upset me and i called him up on it he would then say I've twisted what he said, which after a while then escalated to strangling, punching, and so on to then saying I've twisted what happened and or it never happened at all. After years of me "twisting things" your brain just ends up bizzarly believing them that you remember It wrong or that you have twisted it. I know this is far fetched but it does happen as it was at first just the odd nasty thing said to me until it badly escalated. I hope your ok, I would just advise that you keep yourself priority especially during your pregnancy and id write down anything that you find upsetting just to reflect on if you need x

Abuse can start or get worse during pregnancy as the abuser sees you as vulnerable.
Keep an eye on your niggles and trust your gut.

BMI 22 is perfect and you don't need to worry about being overweight.

Sounds like he will expect nothing to change with you being pregnant: you should still do everything you normally do, and you should still be attractive to him.

Will he expect you to still prioritise him after the baby comes? does he come first now, even over yourself? Will you be left doing everything?

You know what he's like now. It won't magically get better if he's like that now ... it will likely get worse.

You need to take a long hard look at your relationship and see what's really there and then make any hard decisions.

Just be wary OP.

From NHS Website

Pregnancy can be a trigger for domestic abuse, and existing abuse may get worse during pregnancy or after giving birth. Domestic abuse during pregnancy puts you and your unborn child in danger. It increases the risk of miscarriage, infection, premature birth, and injury or death to the baby. It can also cause women to experience emotional and mental health problems, such as stress and anxiety, …

Why did he call you lazy? It’s not very nice but you’ve given scant detail. Are you wanting to leave him?

What if anything preceded the laziness accusations?

I'd be concerned.

BMI 22 is very healthy, and you would look it to. Odd thing to bring up, unless to potentially undemine you.

Lazy, on a walking holiday when you've hiked 5 miles... Again. Odd. And feels like undermining behaviour.

I'd flag with your midwife, so they can keep an eye out for any escalation.

My "D"H called me a fun sponge during the 1st trimester as I was always tired ... no shit Sherlock, growing little humans is hard work!!

I laughed at him and the next time he was "tired" threw it straight back at him. He's not mentioned it again.

Sometimes blokes are twats and dont think. Unless this is a repeated action and there are other controlling/abusive things going on then I would put it down to "experience"

Get him to read up on what happens in the body during pregnancy - 50% more blood in your system, heart has to work 20% harder etc. My DH did quite a bit of research and is now very supportive during my daily periods of complete exhaustion!

[quote Florencex]@AliasGrape

The vote is mainly for YANBU. Why are you criticising other posters? I cannot see anyone finding fault with OP, just stating that it needs more context, because it does.

If we are to only literally answer the question as posed, then no, asking a spouse what their BMI is, is not abuse. However, clearly a number of posters including myself thought more context was required in order to answe.[/quote]
I’m not criticising anyone - I was suggesting the OP would do better in Relationships based on how I’ve seen many AIBU threads going - that even if she provides extra context she’ll still get people only glancing at the first post and responding based on that.

There’s at least two threads in here I can think of where many posters have continued to give really unhelpful and unkind responses based on the original post alone because they either haven’t bothered to read the updates/ extra context or just want to get a dig in and don’t really care about the added info (except to accuse OP of dripfeeding). In the case where the OP is questioning whether she’s being abused and suspects there may be gaslighting going on it is not helpful to read all these posts. It’s very unlikely that an adult woman would wonder if she was in an abusive relationships because her husband said something unkind once and raised a medical concern in a supportive way. Therefore it’s not a huge leap to think there might be more going on here, and that the OP would do better to repost in a forum that is usually a bit more supportive, adding a bit of info to her post to avoid being told she needs to provide more context over and over.

You’re right though, there haven’t been the same nasty responses on here that I feared might happen, I was worried for the OP based on what I’d seen elsewhere.