AIBU - to fear ADHD diagnosis would give DS the excuse to let go his best efforts?

[Ohlife2020]

DS has just turned 8. We believe he has ADHD which is inherited from my family side. He wasn't too bad when he was in Y2. Teacher praised his willingness to be the "wise" and "helpful" kid. He also enjoyed good marks in maths and extra-curriculum.

But the lockdown has made him demonstrate the symptoms in a much more severe way than before. His attention is all over the place and now some sort of impulsivity of defying what he's instructed just emerged in the new school term.

I was considering to go through the system to diagnose him and seek for medication. But the pandemic right now would probably push out everything for at least 2 more years (on top of the regular 2 years waiting). He's also very likely to be seen as on the borderline, so medication may not be offered?

He always (since very young) has a tendency to go around issues/difficult topics. He usually either dodge any engagement on serious topics or just whines all the way through without taking responsibility. So we now hesitate if we shall go through the process at all, as he will then be made aware of his condition and what it represents. DH thinks it would inevitably lead him to use it as an excuse to stop making efforts or refuse to be pushed constantly to overcome the ADHD traits in a practical life.

If we are sure he would be offered med to try, or surely the diagnosis would lead to some certain effective treatment to him, we would hesitate less. But when the bleak prospect of years waiting for a diagnosis and the low likelihood of getting any effective help weighs against the possible negative effect on him, it just puts off us to take action in that direction.

I myself was diagnosed 3 years ago when I was near 40 years old. I know the impact of feeling under-achieved and the feeling that I'm always an outsider (being different). I want to give him a different life than mine, but I'm really afraid of messing it up if it doesn't work out...

Want to know if anyone regretted seeking for the diagnosis...

Get him his diagnosis. If you're ADHD and don't know it, you feel like you're just lazy and broken, because other people can do things you find difficult. Getting a diagnosis shows you it's just your brain works differently and gives you access to techniques that help you deal with it. Knowing who you are can really help self esteem as well.

Also his avoidance is likely a symptom of his ADHD.

I'm at the beginning of my journey into realising I've probably got ADHD (after being diagnosed as Autistic last year) and the knowledge about how my brain works helps me come up with ways to combat the negatives.

Tbh sounds more like he just struggles with lack of discipline and structure etc during these harsh times hence him acting the way he is.

But if it runs in the the family, do get him tested. And teach him that adhd is NEVER an excuse. It is an explanation. Not an excuse to put your hands up and say " i cant help it, ive got adhd ".

I wish i was diagnosed earlier in life... so yeah do get him tested. But make sure to guide him and never let it be a label to hide behind.

Please say why you are keen to medicate? What are you hoping it will achieve? You mention it a few times.

I’m a practical level, this is how I would proceed.
Ask school teacher to write an account of his typical school day. Explain it is for the gp.
Once you have this make a gp appointment, give them the letter from school and ask to be referred.
Be prepared it can take 8 months to see anyone.

Please go ahead with the assessment. Then he can get the appropriate treatment ! He will suffer through adult life if left untreated

It's not the diagnosis. Its how you respond to the diagnosis. If you ever find yourself saying "he cant help it/that's just what he's like" then you've fucked up.
Having the diagnosis means you know HOW to help him achieve the same things neurotypicals do. His brain just works differently, so he needs to learn differently. Too many people say that because they're autistic they CANT be on time. They dont know how to not be rude. They dont know how to control their emotions. It's wrong. It's just harder to learn, you didnt always know those things, you had to be taught. I'm autistic, the diagnosis didnt come until I was 22ish, it was bloody hard work growing up not knowing why I found some things so easy and others so hard.

Thank you for all your comments. It's really scary to think there's no "reset" button if he falls back to it as an excuse. I found most of the time, we as parents, trying to talk him out of his stubborn passivity almost always ended up in vain. Each time, he's been pushed and dragged with whines, tears and tantrums (I don't mean literarily, just the sort of attitude). Growth mindset and resilience to him seem only stay as a slogan learned in school. Not so much what we saw.

Whilst, personally as an ADHD adult, over years I have acquired some sort of determination to combat my own limitations one after another. I may never win the battle entirely, but I love the idea that I have a certain degree of control to improve things for myself and people around me. If he could one day has the same kind of spirit, I wouldn't need to worry too much...

@Newfornow, I mentioned medication because I naively hope there's a magic portion which could "fix" his brain! It's helpless to watch him struggling to find his way through all the noises in his mind. He has so many genius moments, but most of the time, his immaturity, impulsivity and cluelessness just make me worry. On Mumsnet, there are tons of positive comments about medication. Obviously, it's not that I'm hoping for a 100% positive outcome either. I know there's a chance no medication works on him, or the side effect outweighs the benefit. But at least, he deserve to be given a chance, which I never had when I was young.

I would get him diagnosed because that will give him access to not just medication, but SEN accommodations in school designed to help him achieve his potential.

BUT YANBU overall. you are right to be concerned. Ableism is alive and well. Many school officials will have low expectations of his intelligence and ability and that can rub off on him and demotivate him even further. You as the parent with ADHD but still successful will need to be a role model to him to ensure he doesn’t start believing the ableist messages he will receive.

On the topic of medication. Medication for ADHD is one of the most effective treatments for a "mental health" problem that there is. And I'm putting that in inverted comments because ADHD is obviously not a mental health condition as such.

I have ADHD btw.

Untreated ADHD massively reduces your life expectancy abs increases the likelihood of comorbidities such as anxiety and depression.

Get him the diagnosis.

I wasn’t judging. I was hoping you would know there is no magic potion. What medication takes away it, it can also give something else you don’t expect. Or want.

Round here an ADHD diagnosis gets you access to meds but v little else.
Ds quite possibly has adhd. He's on the sen register at school (both ends of it!) and we've always worked closely with his teachers. They generally treat him as though he has ADHD because those strategies are the ones which work for him.

He knows his brain works differently from other people's (he told me that in y1) and he knows there are some things that he finds trickier and has to work harder at. He also knows there are things his brain does better than many other people's and he has some superpowers.

@MiniMum97 thank you for that info. Where you diagnosed as an adult or child?
When did you know medication was what you wanted or was it not your decision. ?

If you don’t mind me asking.

I had a little girl who was always a bit quirky, had moments of genius but never fully applied herself. Well above average and well behaved.

At 15 she stopped coping with self disappointment and anxiety and depression set in. GCSE’s were below expectations. After her last GCSE she went to the GP on her own because she had been cutting and taking over doses for six months. It was the first I knew.

CAMHS were hopeless. She had private therapy, a private psychiatrist, anti-depressants and after a crisis just before mocks took a small overdose. She was assessed, privately, for ADHD and ASD. She was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and her entire life made sense. She was medicated with Ritalin and her recovery started. And more therapy. She is in her third year at a significant Oxbridge College on target to take a first.

Please get your boy diagnosed. It may help him so much.

Secondary school is a nightmare for kids with adhd. The diagnostic process can take years, and I wish I'd pushed harder and earlier because my son's self esteem has been left in tatters from spending years thinking he just wasn't good enough. Please get your son the diagnosis he needs.

Meds have saved my son, but honestly I should have got him the diagnosis sooner so he could understand that he wasn't stupid/naughty/not good enough, it's just that he needs different techniques to NT children.

It’s natural to worry, but you should definitely get him assessed. I’m sorry but your DH’s attitude of him using it as an excuse is all wrong - you need to support him to be himself. As a parent of DC with SEN I feel strongly that we should be pushing for greater knowledge and acceptance of neurodiversity, not forcing these kids to try and be like everyone else.

Growth mindset and resilience to him seem only stay as a slogan learned in school.

He’s spot on here: this is exactly the kind of neoliberal bullshit that means our education system overwhelmingly fails these kids, because it only values a certain type of (conventional, competitive, economically-focussed) ”growth”.

If he has ADHD, he has it. The only thing you achieve by ignoring it, is allowing him to think that fundamentally he's 'wrong' or a 'failure' when he can't meet the expectations of those around him. Why would you prevent him from understanding himself?

DD2 has ASD and was diagnosed at 11. She's found it so empowering to know that some of the things she struggles with are because of that. She is empowered to know that there is a name for it and that she needs different strategies to overcome it.

Getting a diagnosis for DS has done him and us nothing but good.

Not just the diagnosis, and not just the medication. The other stuff that the Ed Psych uncovered, and the fact that he now has a 504 Plan at school, and the impetus it gave us to find him a tutor for things like executive functioning skills, and also the impetus it gave us to find out what we needed to know to help him.

It's helped other members of our family too. Understanding what he finds difficult, and why, means they now understand how to help him, why he's the way he is, and what we all really really appreciate about him.

The meds have helped significantly too.

Reading all your responses made it clear it's the right thing to take the step for diagnosis (while understanding the risk and the responsibility to support him throughout).

Can someone tell me if we diagnose privately, would NHS acknowledge the conclusion and therefore allow the process speed up within the system straight to medication and other formal supports?

We've yet talked with school about the possibility of ADHD. We only collected information from his teachers at parents meetings and were told each time that his attention is on the borderline. Unlike what ADHD typically has to cope in terms of friendship, DS has lots of friends in school, but we also observed that his close friends all started maturing except him (still with his non-stop childish jokes like poos and wees. We both heard a few times his friends told him to stop his not-so-funny-jokes.) With all these not so obvious points, do we have to have some sort of supporting statement from the school to enable the diagnosis?

It will be very hard if school have not spotted signs too. They will be sent questionnaires to complete as part of the diagnostic process. Re going private, the NHS doesn't have to accept the diagnosis. Thankfully for us, they did but it's not guaranteed.

NHS accepted dd's diagnosis. CAMHS did when sent a report from the psychiatrist but initially the mh nurse laughed and said 17 was a bit too old.

Nobody, not one teacher from aged 4 to 17 flagged it. As soon as we knew suddenly all the dots joined up.

One thing to remember op is that you are your child's greatest advocate and supporter and it is they who are at the centre if this.

Good luck and go well - both of you.

Hello OP, my son is autistic with ADHD and was diagnosed aged 8. Like your son he can be avoidant of tasks he finds difficult. Aged 8 he was struggling to read with my confidence and wasn’t fluent.

His paediatrician had to talk me into medication as I was really not keen on the idea. However medication was a game changer for him, within so months he could read fluently and within two years he was on a par academically with his peers. This didn’t last as he does have significant learning difficulties but at age 17 he attends a special school sixth form and is doing well.

Once DS was diagnosed I recognised that the difficulties I’d had all my life might have a reason. Tbh I went private as trying to get the NHS to listen to me was a waste of time. I found a psychiatrist who was experienced in diagnosing adults.

That was two years ago and I don’t take medication but use other methods of trying to manage my challenges. The key thing was finally having an understanding of WHY I struggled.

Definitely worth getting a diagnosis for your son.

And definitely worth making him aware that while ADHD can make him impulsive he has the ultimate control. That there’s a difference between something done totally on impulse and a deliberate action.

I taught my son a traffic light technique for when he was angry....Stop, (red), breathe through the orange (and think) before going for green.

He hasn’t always got it right but we’ve always talked about stuff when he’s got it wrong. Talked through it and tried to help him find other solutions to difficult situations.

It isn’t always straightforward or easy but with support your DS will get there.

Oh and read everything you can find about ADHD and ignore the ignorant who think it’s just a “naughty child”.

It will be very hard if school have not spotted signs too.

Nobody at DD’s secondary school ever raised any concerns, although I did!

Ableism is alive and well. Many school officials will have low expectations of his intelligence and ability It can work the other way. School expectation, and help given, to my DS was transformed when his "label" changed from "mild learning difficulty" (=not very bright, can't expect much from him) to "specific learning difficulty" (= there is a problem that we can help him overcome).

Disagree with your partner.

Option 1:
Grow up struggling with certain kinds of task. Don't understand why. Feel like a failure. Despite trying your hardest, know that you're not achieving what you could. Figure it out as an adult, and wish you hadn't wasted all those years.

Option 2:
Grow up struggling with certain kinds of task. Know that they are due to adhd. Know that you're not a failure, just someone with specific challenges. Get targetted support from family, school and professionals, to find solutions and workarounds to those challenges. Succeed and feel good about yourself.

Surely option 2 is better.

@MiniMum97 Your comment about people with untreated ADHD having a massively reduced life expectancy is interesting. Do you know why this is so? I would imagine that people with untreated ADHD are perhaps more at risk of accidental death/death by misadventure - is this the reason, or are there other factors involved?