To ask how to help my daughter to fit in?

[Fromthetopmakeitdrop]

My lovely DD is having a tough time at school recently. She has always been outgoing, friendly and popular but tonight was upset and said that "nobody would play with her" I suggested different names of people in her class and she said she had asked all of the girls and they all said no. She is only 7 but is in her 3rd year at primary school and has been fine throughout. She has 2 'best friends' who have been chosen to do a song together and they wouldn't play with her as she doesn't have a part. So she spent all lunchtime on her own. I feel so sad for her. She is a friendly, kind and caring girl and even said 'maybe it was incase I distract them!' I'm not sure the best way to go about resolving this. Do I invite the girls over for a play date? Should I invite other girls from her class over? Truth be told these girls have left her out before but she seemed oblivious. She is very passive & will generally go with the flow but tonight she was really upset. I feel so helpless and wish I didn't need to send her back tomorrow :( also she goes to various clubs and has lots of friends out with school- she is very easy going and gets on well with all children usually!

At this age I'd would involve the teacher. Not in an all guns blazing way but just letting her know what's happened and that she spent breaks alone. That would be my first point of call

Second would be inviting the girls over - either together or alone

And lastly I'd be encouraging my daughter to extend her friendship circle where she can

I should also add, she did manage to play with the boys in her class for 5 minutes at the end of lunch so has said tomorrow she will ask them if none of the girls 'let her play' . I can't force other kids to play with her of course but it makes me so sad to think of her feeling left out.

Oh poor thing. I'm a teacher and don't think there's an easy solution to this, but I think supporting her to develop other friendships and draw confidence/ self-esteem from a range of activities is the way to go.

Thank you I did think of inviting some of the girls over! I just wonder if this is it starting now and she will be left out throughout school. I was picked on at school and was so relieved she seemed to have nice friends. Of course I haven't made a big deal of it I've just said to tell me if it happens again and just to play with the boys tomorrow if the girls are still being mean! But I could cry for her, she's a sensitive little soul at the best of times. Will let the teacher know tomorrow also.

Does she know the other dc in class sometime they mix classes...

What about getting to know you sessions?

Invite 2 other dc back and have an activity for them t do like painting a white umbrella? Or design a t shirt.. Do a few and hopefully one will click..

She sounds like a lovely sensitive girl. Quote often children focus on those few minute as the children are filing out from lunch as being I their own until their friends one outbid they are slow eaters etc
In all honesty it doesn’t sound as through she has a big problem but I realise as her mum it sounds awful to you thinking your Dd is on her own 1 maybe have a quick word with the teacher to reassure yourself xx

Sorry I didn’t check for auto correct before posting but am sure you get the general idea of what I am trying g to say xx

Being in a three means this is likely to happen. Are there any other girls you could ask over for tea?

I had a similar situation a few weeks ago with my son (age 9). He told me he sat on a bench alone all lunchtime because the boys that he normally plays with wouldn’t let him play tig (or whatever they were playing), and because of Covid only one child can sit on each bench so no-one else could sit with him. I felt really quite sad about it as most of the boys in his year group play together every day so there are lots of them, as opposed to smaller friendship groups, so I didn’t want him to be excluded. Admittedly the next day I asked him who he played with that lunchtime and he was back playing football/tig as usual so who knows. It’s a rubbish feeling, you feel helpless and obviously don’t want to think of your child alone at playtime but I think most kids will just get on with it or come up with a solution (like your daughter did by playing with the boys) and as long as it’s not an ongoing thing and she isn’t coming home upset or you get the impression that it’s bullying (as opposed to kids just being kids) then I think you let her get on with it. I think our egos can take a hit wondering why wouldn't someone want to play with my child given how wonderful we know they are. Hopefully everything will be back to normal tomorrow and you don’t have to worry.

There were originally 4 of them but the other girl dips in and out of the group. They are all a lot more confident and outgoing than she is. I think thats part of the problem but she has very recently had playdates at their houses and went to a birthday party which she enjoyed (Picnic - only 1 adult & 4 kids) she has never ever been left out to this extent before and I hope when she goes into school tomorrow she is fine but it's so worrying thinking of her all alone. I have told her to chat to some of the other girls and boys tomorrow and she said she will. The parents of the girls are lovely & we do have a group chat so I'm not sure whether to mention it on there or is that too much? I can't make their girls play with her & I don't want their mums telling them they have to. I honestly don't know the solution.

So, I realise I am going against the grain here, but I am speaking as someone who had on and off friend experiences at that age. I would leave it, other than talking to her yourself about what happened and why, and assuring her that she is nice and likable.

It is very likely to be temporary if she normally gets on well with other children. Whatever the cause, she'll work through it, or it will pass if it's more about the other kids. It's not a bad thing for a child to have the experience of being the odd one out now and again at that age though of course no one likes it at the time. But at the least she'll learn she can get through it, and if there was something leading up to it she'll learn something from that.

In any case, I don't think interventions by teachers is likely to be very helpful. Everyone knows when someone is only being included because they've been told they have to be. That's not friendship.

If she's actually being bullied that's a different story, but kids not wanting to play is not bullying.

I'd have quiet chat with teacher. Iv heard children say this before when they have literally been alone for 5 mins before playing with someone else. Her teacher may give you a better idea

That's what I wondered @Goosefoot if it would be too much! I have reassured her that she is great company & if I could play games with her all day I would which seemed to cheer her up! I'm probably overreacting, we have recently had a bereavement which has really upset her aswell so it feels like she's having such a tough time.

^ what @Goosefoot said. At this age steer well clear of intervention, especially after only one lunchtime. You’ll tie yourself in knots for years if you start getting involved, and your DD will not learn how to work through these feelings. Of course support her and talk to her but don’t go too far just yet.