To want to shake her and tell her to look at what she's doing!!

[Peanutbutterjelly10]

I have a friend I've known 4 years, we met in a woman's refuge. She is kind hearted and would do anything for a friend. She has had abusive relationship after abusive relationship. As have I. I seeked help to break the cycle, I learnt about abuse and where my patterns stem from. I'm not saying I'm better than her but what I'm saying is I can spot red flags, dangerous situations. I've seen so many techniques abusers use etc.
I personally think she is now in a bad situation. She is a single parent to a DD. Met a guy, dating roughly a month. He has already gone cold on her once, tried to make her jealous. Then came running back declaring he loves her. He had already met her DD and had been staying at his house since the weekend including her DD. After a month!! He has now asked her to move in with him.
She seems swept up in the thought and is ignoring these flags! I've tried to explain to her that this isn't normal or healthy. But she isn't listening. I'm concerned mostly about her letting this man into her daughters life as she barely knows him!
Aibu to want to give her head a wobble. I think no matter what I say she's going with it as she admitted she can't be alone anymore.

YANBU, however, how likely is it that telling her this would be successful? What did your experiences as you recovered show?

I have a friend who is exactly the same. Been with him a year. She’s lost her job because of his controlling behaviour and he’s recently attacked her and she called the police. Guess what? She’s took him back. Iv offered her advice (she’s not very worldly and very naive) and told her she’s making a big mistake as the abuse will get worse Untill he sorts out his demons on his own. I have now washed my hands if that situation. I’ll be there for her if it goes wrong but I’m bored of trying to warm her. Unfortunately you have to let her find out for herself

No I don't think she is going to listen to anything. I think she has set in her mind she doesn't want to be alone. She's also just said he wouldn't do anything as he wouldn't risk his career, which isn't true. Profession has nothing to do with abuse.
I'm worried for her and her DD.

My experiences showed that we mirror our relationships in our upbringing. My parents were abusive to each other and that's what I thought was normal. It showed that I had very weak boundaries and was a people pleaser due to my childhood. All abusive relationships follow the same cycle. Some may happen quicker, some slower.
Not all abusive relationships have to have physical abuse. Mental and emotional are just as damaging.
Abusers have a way of sniffing out if you're vulnerable, they find your weaknesses and use it against you.
These are just some of the things I've found in my experiences.
I wanted to understand it so I could break the cycle. I just wish my friend could too.

@rozee83 it's tough to watch isn't it. Fine if she wants to make these decisions. Just feel for her DD being dragged around

Without self awareness and/or therapy she's going to repeat the behaviour pattern that was set and rooted in her childhood. From similar experience of yours OP it's so frustrating that anything you say gets brushed off . Some people are just forever 'stuck' in that cycle.

She is going through her own journey, just as you went through yours. You have both done amazingly well to get through previous abuse and I think I'd be really frustrated in your position too. Unfortunately there's nothing more you can do other than to be there for her and let her figure this out for herself.

Yes she doesn't want therapy, says its rubbish. I think deep down she knows because she tells me these things and says she can see the red flags but going to see how it goes with him.

Would she do the freedom course? Because thats a course and not therapy.

We did something similar in the refuge. Pointed out red flags, cycle of abuse etc. So she knows but is choosing to ignore it all. I just don't know what to do. What can you do for a friend who won't listen.

I've been both the person who didn't listen out of fear of the unknown etc and the person telling others.
Sadly there's nothing else you can do despite your message being beneficial.

@Peanutbutterjelly10

We did something similar in the refuge. Pointed out red flags, cycle of abuse etc. So she knows but is choosing to ignore it all. I just don't know what to do. What can you do for a friend who won't listen.

I think you know better than others how hard it is to see the pattern when you're in one. I've been there and so have you.

The best thing you can do is point out the flags and let her know you're there when she needs you. If you push too hard you just risk alienating her and making her more alone - and more importantly, her vulnerable DD alone. If this was my friend I'd be staying in touch so that the moment something happened that was not right for her dd, I could report anonymously to social services. Your friend is making her own choices now, her child is not.

When you were in that cycle of abusive relationships would you have listened to someone expressing concern about your new man? You’ve done so well to move out of that, but I suspect you had to get there in your own time, and so does she.

I’d maintain contact as much as possible and I’d be as non-judgemental as possible. It’s easy to see when you’re not in it. I’d raise concerns about her daughter if you have concrete concerns there simply because the possibility of losing your children is sometimes a good catalyst for change and professionals can offer very practical support and services around domestic abuse - and of course the child needs to be protected.

It’s very hard to watch someone going through it though.