Can't shake the feeling that I'm a rubbish mum

[namechanged21x]

Sorry not really an AIBU but I know this board gets the most traffic and I really need some advice on the way I'm feeling.

I am mother to a lovely little boy but I can't stop thinking that I'm a crap mum and it's really really getting me down

These feelings started about a month ago and some days i feel a lot worse than others. I often feel not good enough, that he deserves better and that he hates me. Sometimes I run out of patience when he's misbehaving and the guilt I feel when I get angry at him absolutely kills me and it plays on my mind for days after.

Any advice/replies would be really welcome

I’m sure you’re not a rubbish mum

Do you want to tell us a bit about him? People often give really good ideas for activities and so on that you can do together. Is it just you and him at home? How old is he? What does misbehaviour look like and how do you deal with it?

How old is your DS? Do you have support from a partner / family members? I know this gets thrown around a lot but it may be that you’re suffering PND so maybe contact your GP to talk through how you’re feeling

Didn’t want to read and run.

We all have these feelings as a parent from time to time. If the feelings linger or interfere with your ability to be happy, keep an eye on it and seek the reasonable help you need.

I’m sure you are a wonderful mum. We all lose our patience at times. Perhaps you can try to come with other strategies to save losing your rag? Walk away for ten seconds, breathe, then come back and explain in a normal voice? How old is your little boy?

Thanks for replying @Pumperthepumper

He's 18 months so I know he's still little and it's not misbehaviour as such, but he does repetitive behaviours that no matter how much I say no he still does - e.g. opening/closing doors and banging them really hard against the wall, turning the TV on and off repeatedly, throwing toys etc. When im at home with him all day whilst his dad works, after a while it really starts to grate on me and I start to get frustrated with the noise. Come bedtime at 7pm I'm utterly drained and just ready for some peace and quiet.

He's a very loving and happy boy though. He loves to play with trucks and cars. I try to take him out for walks as much as I can where the weather permits but this doesn't fix how he acts when we return home. It's a difficult cycle

I do have a partner but he makes me feel much worse at times. He WFH upstairs in the spare room and often he will come down to see DS and say things such as "has mummy been shouting at you again?" and my god I just feel what an arsehole, thanks for making the guilt worse

Anyone else?

@namechanged21x

I do have a partner but he makes me feel much worse at times. He WFH upstairs in the spare room and often he will come down to see DS and say things such as "has mummy been shouting at you again?" and my god I just feel what an arsehole, thanks for making the guilt worse

That needs to stop. If he's aware you're reaching the end of the tether, and he is able to spare the time to come and see DS, he should be coming and saying "shall I entertain him for a bit to give you a break?"

Try and have a conversation with him - explain that you're struggling a bit, and see whether you can work out ways for you to get a break and recharge. If his working hours are flexible, it would be great if he could take a couple of half hours out at strategic points in the day.

It's hard work. In normal times you'd be able to take him to a toddler group and that would help a lot.

Try distraction from the difficult behaviours - any new ideas for entertaining him that you pick up, don't use them immediately, but have them ready for the next time he's driving you up the wall.

but he does repetitive behaviours that no matter how much I say no he still does

Come bedtime at 7pm I'm utterly drained and just ready for some peace and quiet.

but this doesn't fix how he acts when we return home. It's a difficult cycle

he's a toddler! That's ABSOLUTELY normal! If your child was meekly following what you are telling him ONCE, I would be worried frankly. That wouldn't be normal. It would make for a more pleasant life, but you could worry for your child.

Distraction, and not allowing him in rooms where you don't want him, that's the only option. Keep tell him no about throwing toys, it's not acceptable, but it does take time for them to take notice.

MN gets outraged when people dare suggesting taking kids out even in the rain, but frankly it's for an easier life for everyone. I had my first 2 in a flat, excessive noise for just not an option when you are surrounded by neighbours. It's exhausting but it doesn't make you a bad mum.

Allowing your child to run feral whilst praising his "spirit" and "creativity", that would make you a bad mum.

He sounds absolutely normal and it’s also totally normal to feel at the end of your tether - it’s a pandemic, he’s a toddler and your partner is being a dick.

My advice, always, is to let him play with things that aren’t toys - so clothes pegs, those wee balls you put washing liquid in, pots, pans and spoons, dried pasta in bowls, jugs of water. Let him make a mess, if you’ve space. Also look up 5 minute mum on Instagram, she’s loads of ideas on how to occupy them for a bit while you get some breathing space. And yes, agree with PP, get him outside as much as you can. Wellies and coats, and a torch if need be.

It’s a really difficult age, and it’s a really difficult time so go easy on yourself. But he really can’t help banging the doors and playing with the remote, he’s only very little and his impulse control isn’t developed enough yet.