How to be confident ?

[RajaGemini]

How do people be confident and have high self-esteem ?
3 different guys that I have dated have either cheated on me or have had an overlap with another girl, I.e dating them whilst texting me and letting me think I was the only one. They are all still with these girls years later.
So now I think, why wouldn't everyone do that ?
I have a boyfriend now who's lovely, but I live in a state of anxiety (which I keep to myself) this is that he will start to fall out of love, or will meet someone and fall for them (again, I keep this all to myself).

I want to love my own identity as a quiet and introverted person, and be proud of who I am.
I don't have many friends and people aren't really interested in close friendship with me, though they seem to think i'm perfectly pleasant.

Even in my role, I feel shy and nervous around superiors.
In general, I blush easily, stutter, say 'ermm' a lot.

I think i'm intelligent, attractive, funny, kind, caring and have a range of hobbies, but something is making me feel inferior to others.
I think it's how others respond to me, and i'm sick of feeling like i'm not as good as other girls.

It’s not you it’s them let yourself enjoy being with a nice person

You're right :) I just have that 'too good to be true' feeling and waiting for it to end.

Are you actually an introvert? Because you’re talking about being quiet, shy, nervous, blushing a lot etc, none of which are inherent to introversion.

You talk about wanting to value yourself, but no one else is going to while you don’t, and you sound as if you base your sense of self on how others see you, which is being overlooked.

I am to an extent I think because I really need my alone time and find it draining to constantly be with others.
I think I do base it on how others see me sadly, because if guys usually dump me and I don't have many close friends, I believe that it's because there's something putting people off.

Fake it til you make it. Watch Amy Cuddy talking about this.

Yes, but what’s ‘putting people off’ is the fact that you see yourself as unimportant. People will generally accept your own estimation of yourself, and if you’re presenting yourself as someone who expects to be overlooked in friendships and betrayed in relationships, then that’s what they’ll see. Which then feeds back into your sense of yourself.

Yeah I see what you mean. I don't understand what makes them think that, because I am always positive, I don't always complain about myself or anything, i'm friendly.
All this stuff that i'm saying is kept to myself, it's just frustrating because I think everyone has their insecurities yet it doesn't put me off them.

But it’s not a matter of being positive or negative, or complaining, or friendliness, OP, it’s more a matter of you behaving as if you and your life are important to you, and by correlation important to the people around you. Do you expect the full attention of whoever you’re talking to? How much of the conversation is about you?

I used to be very shy, passive and under confident.
I then read something about how important our inherent values are to our own self esteem. Over the last few years I've really thought about this and what I think is inherently right and wrong (treating people with respect, kindness, putting boundaries in place, accepting my appearance...etc, ect).
I now live my life by my values and this gives me an incredible amount of confidence because anyone who infringes upon those values...well....I treat them like a bit a of dust I'm brushing off my shoulder.

Sounds odd, but it really worked for me. I think at the core of it is the fact that you are only accountable to yourself, everyone else is just background music.

This is honestly an interesting question.

Here’s a big secret, confident people still can have massive moments of insecurity. I give demonstrations as part of my job in a large 500+ user conference once a year. I honestly have no trouble with it, find it fun, and work the crowd so to speak, but here’s my secret, the moment I get my lunch and I’m facing a banquet hall of 300 people I’m transported right back to the school lunch room and looking for anyone friendly to sit with.

I think some confidence comes with acknowledging that you are lacking it, but getting on with it anyway. It’s a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy going both ways. If you think that you won’t find someone to sit with in a lunchroom/be in a relationship with/get the big promotion you will preemptively consciously or unconsciously find yourself with that result. I think the converse of that is true for the most part.

I don’t have any secret tips that confident people do or have, except that they generally don’t let themselves get in the way of what they are trying to achieve.

Exactly, @Henners7 — you say it’s about values, but it’s also putting your own morality and priorities front and centre, not becoming some kind of semi-invisible pushover who can be relied on to keep helping because she has no boundaries.

And I think you’re right about not letting yourself get in your way, @saltinesandcoffeecups — shyness and insecurity sometimes has the offputting effect of making people terribly self-conscious and hence self-obsessed, to the point where they literally are barely registering the people they’re with because they’re too busy thinking about their own behaviour. It can create the same effect as arrogance, and it’s not pleasant to be around.

@saltinesandcoffeecups I love what you say about not letting yourself get in the way of what you want to achieve. I'm going to remember that in my testing times!