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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Thank god I didn't marry the coercive arsehole - anger about past. Can anyone relate?

7 replies

Bookcaseinblue · 26/10/2020 18:23

Every now and again, I get a surge of anger thinking about what a twat my ex was. I nearly married the fucker. I was quite young at 22, and a bit daft and immature, he was much older in his forties and I outgrew and dumped him. The final straw was him behaving badly when my close relative was dying and I will never forgive him for making that time more distressing.

In some ways I see why I was drawn to him at first (handsome, knew all the right things to say to sound 'right on', very polite and charming to my family and friends, social butterfly) but now with the benefit of being older and wiser...I just think wtf? He was a massive selfish shallow creep really.

I feel like what started out as fun with him became him manipulating me and being sexually coercive, taking advantage in various ways. Until the scales fell from me eyes. Honestly think if I had married him, I'd have ended up in a very abusive situation.

It just makes me angry sometimes. I wish I'd told him assertively what a shit he was and how unacceptable his behaviour was when I ended it.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Bookcaseinblue · 26/10/2020 18:24

scales fell from MY eyes, even

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 26/10/2020 18:29

Yes, I think a lot of women have an 'escape' story tbh.

If you don't mind me asking, were your family not concerned about the age difference, or did they leave all the worrying, learning and all the rest to you?

Bookcaseinblue · 26/10/2020 18:43

I think they were tentatively concerned in a way, moreso as we got closer to the wedding. They weren't concerned if it was a more casual dating relationship, they thought him a generally nice gentlemanly chap as that's how he came across when he came to events with my family. He was affable, and I think he genuinely did believe he's a nice guy with all his beliefs in treating everyone with kindness, and wanting equality for all.

But just in the confines of the relationship - no, he was shallow and selfish and manipulative. He didn't seem to feel I was a full, proper human being.

I don't think anyone in my family wanted to pressure me to cancel the wedding, especially as my close relative was terminally ill and it was all a pressure cooker. But then I wanted to do cancel, and they were supportive.

OP posts:
Lollyneenah · 26/10/2020 18:56

Totally agree OP. I have an ex who was such a micro aggressive coersive twat, that thinking about him makes my skin crawl.
The thing that's makes me laugh now is that hes a bloody vegan 😂 so cows are safe with him at least

Bookcaseinblue · 26/10/2020 19:00

so cows are safe with him at least

This made me chuckle aloud Grin

Yes! To the skin crawling feeling! Such a visceral reaction of disgust.

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 26/10/2020 19:00

Oh me too! My boyfriend when I was 22 was awful. And I was devastated when we broke up and did not cover myself in dignity. I watched that MP give that speech about coercive control and thought Christ that would have been me...lucky escape.

JamieLeeCurtains · 26/10/2020 19:02

You did incredibly well to break from him, especially in those circumstances.

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