Aibu to think this isnt my problem to solve?

[OhToBeASeahorse]

Very recently MIL and step FIL moved very far away into an area that has restricted movement due to Covid
Since then I have given birth to our 2nd child. MIL wants to see baby but it's too far for a day trip so she wants to stay to help.

My issues:
A) she was very overbearing last time
B) she smokes (would do outside obviously but still)
C) DH and I are fractious with each other
D) my other child barely knows her, I can't see them being ok with her taking them out to help me out.
E) she would be breaking the rules by coming

I get she wants to see her grandchild but... its not my fault that she is so far away now.

Nope very much not your problem. And theres restricted travel for a reason, you wouldn't want her bringing that risk into your home anyway.

When the rules let up she can get a hotel nearby and visit for a few hours.

I think your DP needs to say no in the kindest, most categoric way.

If she is in a tier 2 or tier 3 area then she should not be indoors with anyone other than members of her own household or support bubble. I think that is all that matters, the other four reasons aren’t particularly strong arguments against a visit.

she wants to stay to help

Presumably you don’t need help? Tell her this.

If it’s not allowed, it shouldn’t be happening

With all due respect to her, it isn't really about what she wants is it?

There is no way in hell that I would agree with this right now.

Your relationship is struggling and you have a baby, so you are vulnerable. You do not need to be ganged up on with no means of escape.

so she wants to come from a high covid area to visit her newborn grandchild?

Nope, not happening.

Travel is not allowed between her location and yours because of the high risk of her bringing covid with her. Wanting to hang out with a newborn and the newborn's recovering mother is the opposite of a good reason to break the rules. It is the kind of thing that would make the papers as an example of stupid if you or the baby got covid.

It’s not your problem at all. In fact it isn’t really a problem at all, mil might want to stay but if you don’t invite her then she can’t. And you have the rules as the perfect excuse.

Quite simply, no, due to her area’s restrictions. Pretty straightforward and she can’t really argue with that, can she?

Get your dh to say ' it's not allowed there is way too much of a risk ' if she starts pushing he could give other reasons too. It's really stress that you don't need

She is very selfish. Zoom calls will have to do for now, surely your dh can tell her that without bothering you?

Is she the sort of person where “coming to help” actually means you end up doing more than if it was just you, your DH and little ones home alone?

For no other reason than she now lives in a high risk area with a lockdown happening I’d be saying no to visits until things have settled down!!

Frankly I could do with help but I dont.thinknshe will be much help .

DH thinks it's a good idea but is happy to accept no

postit you can travel between areas, unless you're in Wales. The MIL can't stay with them, or meet them inside anywhere but legally, she could travel, stay in a hotel and meet in a park or outside seating at a cafe. If the OP had a great relationship with the MIL you could do that but clearly the OP doesn't really want to see her anyway so she just has to, or get her dh to tell her no.

Even without COVID, just no. It’s not helpful, having someone you aren’t incredibly close to in your space all the time.

@OhToBeASeahorse

Frankly I could do with help but I dont.thinknshe will be much help .

DH thinks it's a good idea but is happy to accept no

Does he think it’s a good idea because he thinks you’ll be less fractious with each other. I would make it clear that at best you would be putting on a front. Reading between the lines, sounds like he needs to step up.

Is your relationship "fractious" all the time or just now?
Are you able to get help/support from anyone else?

When you say that she was overbearing last time, do you mean that she moved in to help or just in general?

Either way, would it be help on her terms-ie not necessariy help at all?

What is it that you need help with-maybe posters could offer some suggestions?

To be honest it doesn't sound as if you need the additional stress right now. Or MIL potentially siding with dh...

My favourite thing about Covid is that I have the lady balls to say No to my MIL and pretend it’s cos of rules hahahaha

No. Let your dh gently say you don’t need help. From experience having a practical stranger in the house makes things way more hard work. They don’t want to apart from you.
Unless you Mum will spend effort and enthusiasm getting to know your child and build a relationship fairly quickly. This arrangement will be more work for you.

Thanks everyone you've confirmed my thoughts. To answer some questions

@LouiseTrees he more than pulls his weight, I cant complain there. I have pointed out that it would add further tension though.

@Eviebeans we've some communication issues. We had counselling when I was newly pregnant and things have been much much better but I guess with tiredness etc things are more tense.

@diddl I'm.just worried about logistics - changing the toddlers nappy, getting them ready to get out, wrestling them into a coat whilst trying to care for a newborn who is only really happy in a sling etc etc.

Oh that makes it harder, doesn't it?

I suppose all you can do is get stuff laid out in advance, put the baby down for as little as possible & steel your nerves!