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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mental health and MIL

15 replies

Disneyprincess101 · 26/10/2020 00:00

I have generalised anxiety disorder which I’ve done counselling and medication and for the last 5 years have managed without medication. I have one DS and with everything going on this year my mental health really deteriorated to the worst it’s ever been and I started having multiple panic attacks everyday. I ended up going back on medication which I was a bit upset about but I knew that I had to get better.

Due to the medication I was really ill for a few weeks afterwards and struggled to look after DS. Luckily I have the most supportive DH and family who all really helped me.

This was a few months ago and thankfully I’m back to feeling myself again. But MIL made a comment a few weeks back out of the blue about us not having any more children because I’m not well enough to look after them and I never know when I will have a relapse. I’m a SAHM so I do the majority of the childcare.

This really hurt me because before everything happened with my mental health me and DH were talking about TTC which now I’m on this medication I can’t.

AIBU to be hurt by this comment or am I being selfish in thinking that I could have more children in the future when I suffer badly with my mental health.

OP posts:
CutToChase · 26/10/2020 00:08

I don't know. Personally rickety MH is one reason I dont plan on having any, but that's just me

Enough4me · 26/10/2020 00:11

Of course your feelings are hurt. Thus is way too early for you and your DH to be talking or making decisions and certainly too early for your MIL advice. Just focus on now, one day at a time, build your MH back up.

justasking111 · 26/10/2020 00:14

In my case the anxiety started with first pregnancy so was medicated post birth after many panic attacks, my gp was lovely, said my batteries were flat low seratonin. I went onto get pregnant again one of the first symptoms was the anxiety came a knocking again. Had it on and off for years after that to a lesser extent. It is a pain but did not stop me being a mum in the main. I did have to accept that I needed meds. to function so took them on and off for twenty plus years.

jessstan1 · 26/10/2020 01:50

@CutToChase

I don't know. Personally rickety MH is one reason I dont plan on having any, but that's just me
I get that 100%.

You are hurt my mother in law's remarks, op, but she is concerned for you all, you are family after all. It is worth considering the implications of having another.

I'm glad you are on the mend. Please just enjoy things as they are for the foreseeable.

Blueberries0112 · 26/10/2020 01:57

Stuffs like this is why it is so hard to get along with MIL. They are always quick to paint you a bad mother or something similar. My MIL told my husband not to have any kids because I am deaf. I ended up with two kids and they are perfectly fine.

alexdgr8 · 26/10/2020 02:03

it depends how / why she said it.
on the face of it, it is not an unreasonable observation.
no offence to you, Op. but isn;t it comparable to some other conditions, like MS, or arthritis, that make the ordinary exertions of child-rearing even more difficult.
she could have said it out of genuine concern for all 3 of you.
all the best OP.

Mimishimi · 26/10/2020 02:48

I can understand her position. My husband said something similiar ( I also struggle with GAD) and although it was hurtful at the time, he's probably right.

billy1966 · 26/10/2020 03:01

OP,
Focus on getting well.

I don't think it is any of your MIL business what your future family plans are.

I think hers was a very rude remark.

See how your health is and speak to your GP going forward.

Just because she helped you out doesn't mean she gets to give you extremely personal advice unasked for advice.

Focus on getting well and be honest with yourself as to whether another child is in the best interests of you and your family.

Flowers
SuzieQQQ · 26/10/2020 07:48

I can understand you would be upset by that comment. Only you know if you’ll be able to have another child and not be so affected with anxiety. Ideally you need to be on medication for at least 2 years before coming off it. This makes relapse a lot less likely. Also what medication do you take? Is it anxiety meds? This is not a solution. You would be far better taking an anti depressant with a strong anti anxiety affect like sertraline, Effexor XR or aropax. I think you can have another child but it will take more planning. Best of luck Xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2020 08:27

Is she worried if you have another child and suffer with your mental health she’ll be expected to help?

Nottherealslimshady · 26/10/2020 08:31

It's none of her business but by telling her all about it you've made her feel she has a right to an opinion.
No one knows about my mental health issues, except my husband and my mum, because it's none of their business.

OssomMummy1 · 26/10/2020 08:37

They must have observed you over the last 5 years since your DS was born and seen you struggle, and also their son does both office and house jobs just to keep the sanity of the house. It is not wrong of them to perceive that if you have struggled with once child, what will be your status with 2 children? Have they been judgmental? Yes. But have they been unrealistic? I don't think so. They have offered their opinions to what they think, is in your best interest. It is up to you to accept it or reject it. Depending on their nature, they might accept it and move on or they may feel offended and start distancing themselves from you. They also have a life and deserve the peace of mind rather than look after the grandchildren whose mother is never well enough? Empathy.

Mumoftwo1994 · 26/10/2020 08:43

@Disneyprincess101

I have generalised anxiety disorder which I’ve done counselling and medication and for the last 5 years have managed without medication. I have one DS and with everything going on this year my mental health really deteriorated to the worst it’s ever been and I started having multiple panic attacks everyday. I ended up going back on medication which I was a bit upset about but I knew that I had to get better.

Due to the medication I was really ill for a few weeks afterwards and struggled to look after DS. Luckily I have the most supportive DH and family who all really helped me.

This was a few months ago and thankfully I’m back to feeling myself again. But MIL made a comment a few weeks back out of the blue about us not having any more children because I’m not well enough to look after them and I never know when I will have a relapse. I’m a SAHM so I do the majority of the childcare.

This really hurt me because before everything happened with my mental health me and DH were talking about TTC which now I’m on this medication I can’t.

AIBU to be hurt by this comment or am I being selfish in thinking that I could have more children in the future when I suffer badly with my mental health.

MIL make a lot of comments without even thinking that they'd be upsetting or offensive, believe me I know. It's up to you and your husband if you want to try for another baby at some point, but do consider your mental health because having a happy mum is the best thing for you and your little one. Rather than putting yourself through having 2 DC and feeling low.
Porcupineinwaiting · 26/10/2020 08:46

YANBU to be hurt. Did the comment come from a place of love and concern do you think? If so, let it go.

Iwonder08 · 26/10/2020 08:57

You MIL is tactless, whatever she thinks she can't say these things out loud.
However based on what you described it would be unwise to have another child. You should concentrate on yourself and not add more stress into your life

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