AIBU to think I should be over PTSD by now?

[Helpmyhair2019]

Hello
Three years ago I spent a couple of months looking after a close relative in intensive care. At various points I had to say ‘goodbye’ as the chances of survival were so minimal. It was all very traumatic and I saw a lot of other families experiencing similar things. I had to do it all on my own as other family members fell apart. I was involved in life and death decisions and coped brilliantly. Somehow, the family member survived and is now living a normal life (or as normal as a vulnerable person during Covid can be!). The other family members have all resumed normality.

I had what can only be described as a break down 6 months after all of it. My husband was amazing as we have young chidlren who I just had to pretty much abandon into his care whilst I got better. I felt suicidal.

Three years later and I have rebuilt a lot of life. But I still get awful nightmares and can’t sleep through fear of getting a ‘you need to be here now to say goodbye’ type phone call ever again. I get hugely triggered by hospital scenes on tv. I even get triggered by hearing the ring tone which was on my phone when I was called in the middle of the night (they use it on Eastenders!).

I’ve got a new job which is full time which was really helpful with putting these memories and fears away (but it still came out a night).

It’s almost three years to the day I got the night phone call. I’m a mess. Every mention of Halloween makes me feel panicked, even the feel of autumn leaves on the floor and the orange colours reminds me of the whole experience.

I know I could have councelling but due to the nature of my job I can’t commit to regular times and trying to sort it out became stressful in itself!

I feel silly. It was three years ago and the family member is now living a happy life. I find myself absolutely terrified of doing it all over again one day. I just want to put it behind me and be happy with the lovely life I have.

Does anyone have any advice?

EMDR can be really effective for PTSD. It might not take too many sessions and might be possible to fit in around your job. Sometimes it is taking that first step.

It sound like you haven't had any treatment, you should get one. You might be able to get it at your work, or alternatively find a flexible therapist out of work.

I also have PTSD, and am currently having treatment. I wonder how long it will last too.

Please do get treatment.

Honestly there is no over it. It sits with you forever but treatment helps to manage tour triggers.

Also second EMDR it’s been hugely helpful to manage my triggers and reactions.

Huge hugs to you, please don’t feel you have to be anything.

Just came on to recommend emdr as well. There are variations on the technique and some can even be done over zoom. My therapist has been happy to book fairly ad hoc sessions so i wouldn't let not being able to commit to regular sessions put you off.
In my experience it can have a great impact even in a few sessions. Please don't just put up with how you're feeling, you don't have to carry on feeling this way xx

Have you ever just sat down with someone and talked through the whole episode? What you felt at each point, what your fears were, what your hopes were, what you saw, what you heard or what some of your thoughts were?

I ask because I had a very difficult birth experience with one of my children and came very close to not making it through. It could have become a traumatic memory that caused something like ptsd but I was lucky enough to have sat down with my DM a few days after and just spurted out everything that I saw, thought, felt and heard at the time. She sat there mainly silently as it all came flooding out and I honestly felt like an escape valve had been opened and all of the stress had been able to flow out. I hope you find a way yo ‘let go’ too.

Thank you so much. I have looked to see if anyone locally can do EDMR as zoom may be an ideal way for me to be able to fit in around work. One positive of Covid i guess 😂 thank you x