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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

colleague overbearing after ive just given birth

24 replies

Wolf142 · 25/10/2020 16:06

Two weeks ago I was blessed by beautiful twin girls. The birth was extremely traumatic and the babies were quite premature and are still in hospital. Thankfully they are tiny but healthy but needless to say it has been a traumatic and stressful time balancing their being in hospital, and the worries of becoming a parent with visiting them in hospital. After my C section I announced the birth to my friends, family and friendly colleagues on whatsapp before I passed out with exhaustion. When I woke up a colleague had announced the birth of my twins in a work related whatsapp group to over a hundred other people (some I don’t know, some I would have told myself) and got their weights wrong. I felt that it was well meaning, and probably just being excited for me, but ultimately unreasonable that she did that but also very trivial compared to the relief of the safe arrival of my girls. I was in too much pain and too tired to get that excited about it when whats done is done. Since then she has been in touch every day (more than my mum) asking questions which require a reply and constantly trying to engage me in a massive whatsapp conversation rather than just letting me rest. Sometimes I am too exhausted to look at my phone and if i ignore her she’ll message again. She also frequently updates me about moaning work politics in negative way which is really upsetting and stressing me out! The problem is I do like this person and don’t want to upset her or make things awkward. She has always been generous and gave me some lovely gifts before I went on maternity leave. But I don’t regard her as a close friend who I would confide in after a trauma. I also just need a bit of space, quiet and rest and these moments are precious. How do i tactfully get her to back off but preserve the relationship? AIBU when she probably just means well?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/10/2020 16:10

I don't know much about WhatsApp. Can you mute it? Maybe stick a SM post on somewhere she'll see it saying you're knackered and won't be replying to any messages for a bit.

Congratulations on your arrivals.

itchyfinger · 25/10/2020 16:12

Oh dear. Does she have kids herself? Sounds like she has no idea how hard the first few months are (especially with prem twins - fellow twin mum here. Congrats!). I think a firm but kind reply to her next time she tries to get you into a whatsapp convo "I'm so exhausted! Not much time for whatsapp at the moment, will let you know when my head Is less all over the place. Need to sleep!" Then I think you can ignore her messages as you've spelt it out.

Laughingcrow · 25/10/2020 16:13

I think you need to send her a nice message thanking her for keeping in touch and you appreciate it. Say you aren't feeling very well and will be having a bit of rest for a few days so won't be using your phone much. Say you are letting her know because you don't want her thinking you are ignoring her. Hopefully she gets it and leaves you alone for a bit

KitKatastrophe · 25/10/2020 16:21

@Laughingcrow

I think you need to send her a nice message thanking her for keeping in touch and you appreciate it. Say you aren't feeling very well and will be having a bit of rest for a few days so won't be using your phone much. Say you are letting her know because you don't want her thinking you are ignoring her. Hopefully she gets it and leaves you alone for a bit
Do this and then mute her conversations.
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/10/2020 16:22

I think @Laughingcrow’s approach sounds very diplomatic and sensible.

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely babies! Thanks

Wolf142 · 25/10/2020 16:27

thankyou all for the great feedback and warm wishes. I was hoping i could just phase out the contact and hope she got the message but she obviously isn’t going to! I will compose a tactful brush-off!

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 25/10/2020 17:02

Sounds like she sees you as a friend but you see her as a colleague. Don't respond and she will calm down, maybe don't accept too much generosity either.

nicknamehelp · 25/10/2020 17:23

I had this and said colleague got upset when I said she couldn't visit a particular day as dh db and family where coming to meet the new family member. People like this u need to be blunt with

2bazookas · 25/10/2020 17:42

Just TELL her you need some space time and rest and are so overwhelmed by kind messages you haven't time to respond to them all. Then go silent and stop reading her messages.

  You own your phone, it does not own you.  Find the off button. 

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Heyahun · 25/10/2020 17:51

I’d probably text her and say you are wet stressed And tired at the moment And have your hands full - you will be removing WhatsApp for now to concentrate on your babies and you will talk to her soon - then temporarily block the work and the colleague group

This is awful to be honest you need to just be focusing on yourself and your babies for a while and don’t need extra stress

farandfew · 25/10/2020 18:26

Congratulations on the birth of your babies 😊

If it were me I wouldn't say I appreciated her messages, because I feel like that would tell her she's doing the right thing! I'd leave it a few days and then just say something like, "we're ok thanks, [or just a bland response to whatever question she has asked you, "we don't need anything thanks" etc] honestly I'm not really finding much time to check messages at the moment, rushed off my feet! I'll catch up with everything that's been going on when I'm back to work in [January, six months, whenever you're back etc]". Or something like that.

Royalbloo · 25/10/2020 18:38

She may mean well but I find replying to ever other (or third) text with one answer works. They soon work out you just aren't going to jump to their summons...also, you can always just send a text saying you've got theirs and you'll reply when you can - this seems to slow people down a bit and stop them re-texting...

Royalbloo · 25/10/2020 18:39

And obvs congratulations!

ktp100 · 25/10/2020 19:00

I would head this off at the pass by posting on the group whatsapp page to give a brief update and then announce that as you are on maternity leave, have 2 new babies in hospital and are resting after a C section you will not be replying to further comments via messaging or social media.

Just thank them for their interest and say you'll be in touch in a month or so. Then mute the group and this colleague and ignore, ignore, ignore.

alexdgr8 · 25/10/2020 19:09

what ktp100 said. do that.
any more trouble, get your husband to ring her and tell her you need complete rest and will not be replying to anything for several months at least, or until return to work.
you have to be firm. this is inappropriate, almost harassment.

Shizzlestix · 25/10/2020 19:15

Why be so diplomatic? I would message her, tell her you need space and ask (tell) her to please stop messaging. Tell her you don’t want to hear about work just now, it’s annoying when you’re back and forth to the hospital for the girls and that’s your focus, not negative comments about the job. If she persists, tell her a bit more strongly eg ‘Look, X, I’ve asked you not to message, I’m just too busy for this and I don’t need the negativity”. She’s in the wrong here, I can’t believe she’s harassing you after you just gave birth. Selfish and inconsiderate of her.

Nomorepies · 25/10/2020 19:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Mary46 · 25/10/2020 19:25

Many congrats op. Just say thanks for best wishes. Its pretty hectic at moment will be in touch soon. !!

SingingSands · 25/10/2020 19:29

I would honestly just leave the work whatsapp. You don't need to be on it for the duration of your leave at all.

That would be the quickest and easiest route to a bit of peace!

Good luck, your priorities are your girls and your recovery. Xx

Roselilly36 · 25/10/2020 19:31

Many congrats OP, don’t reply & ignore the messages for a while. You need to rest and have enough on yr plate to deal with looking after your babies. Most people would understand that and not be so demanding of your time at this very special & exhausting time.

VestaTilley · 25/10/2020 19:33

Send her a short but polite message asking for space. She clearly has no idea of boundaries and has behaved very inappropriately reporting your news on a work WhatsApp group to people you barely know. I’d be reporting her to HR and muting her for the duration of your mat leave.

She sounds either well meaning but weird, or stalkerish and intrusive - either way, hold her at arms length.

Congratulations on the birth of your twins. Hope you’re ok and that you’re all home soon.

BorderlineHappy · 25/10/2020 19:35

I would just get your DH to answer her.
I know it should be you,but sometimes you need someone who is a bit more not involved.

ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 25/10/2020 19:38

Many congratulations Flowers

Just don’t reply to all her messages She might get the message she might not

I don’t think you need to be direct as you will then worry you have upset her

Don’t give it so much thought that’s the best thing and enjoy this time and rest

Felifox · 25/10/2020 19:43

Congratulations on your babies. I think to send one message thanking everyone for their kind messages. Then say that you are feeling exhausted and need to recover after your C section and that you are in hospital with your babies until they are well enough to go home. Then say you're sure everyone will understand that you are coming off SM for the next few months while you and the babies settle.

💐👼👼It sounds as though you're going to have your hands full

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