Aibu to expect more?

[lalalalaloo]

Just had an argument with DH. I said 'do you fancy taking DD out today' and he bit my head off 'how about you think of something for us to do before you suggest it' in a snarky tone.

We then had an argument because he thought that I was implying that he should do something alone with her and that I was implying that he doesn't do enough for her.

Actually IMO this is right but that isn't what I was suggesting.

The set up is this. He works from his office upstairs usually from 8am after he gets up to 7pm before DD goes to bed. Prior to the pandemic he was office based and left at 6/7 and got in at 6/7pm with an hours commute each way. He picks up twice a week.

I was also a full time accountant but I am flexi so I would do every school run bar two and then complete my hours after she goes to bed.

I was made redundant at the start of the pandemic so I have been doing all the school runs (and school teaching earlier on) cooking, cleaning etc. I hate it and the domestic life is not for me. (I know some people like it though)

I have also found that it is mostly me and DD on the weekend as DH is going on a lot of bike rides/doing DIY or hobby or pub alone.

I had a panic attack last weekend after being fed up and doing my back in which meant a few weeks of pain. I said to DH that I needed some time alone and he said he would take DD out on a bike ride. They were out of the house for a total of 17m. He said she had dog poo on her wheel.

When I start my new job next week I am going to tell him that I expect him to do 50% of school runs and cooking and cleaning and I know that although this is entirely reasonable he will find a way to argue. So how can I broach this with him?

He's a pleasant man, generally fair, works hard at work and does a lot of DIY but I feel he has a massive Blindspot when it comes to childcare and 'emotional labour'

He even argued that he shouldn't take holidays (even though he has 3 weeks to take before Christmas) because we were all going to be in the house anyway so DD can 'entertain herself' all week. Even through she's only 7 and I will be starting a new job. He took them in the end though at a push.

Anyone? I honestly don't know what to do.

Just tell him it’s happening, don’t make him feel like it’s something he can say no to- just say it as if it’s assumed like ok I’ll do pick up Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and you do Thursday Friday. And just going out on Saturday alone! Just do it!

Sit down and tell him how you feel. Your exhausted he doesn't understand how mentally draining it is to basically do all the childcare, cooking, cleaning and still work part time. I honestly think working is easier than running a busy household that's coming from myself on mat leave I'd rather be in work some days to get a break. But I agree with Tiersforfears just tell him the schedule and when he tries to argue against it don't back down and just explain youl be busy too and need a break. The whole a argument this morning sounds like some mis-communication which should have just been nipped in the bud. I do think he should of course take his holidays and I don't know why he wouldn't want to? Being in the house is different to being in the house working and confined to your computer for a lock of hours a day and you need to explain that to him. Maybe if you plan some things to do i.e. Walks, board games, drives or something and tell him this is what where doing so you need to book some days of for these things. It does sound like he works hard to support his family so credit there but I think family time is so much more important than anything and having a close bond.

After you being at home so long and picking up all the housework and most of the childcare there needs to be a reset before you start your new job.

Sit down with him and ask him to propose which days he will do school runs/ activities etc. Point out that you both have a need for time alone to do your own thing and time for family stuff as well. If you can start ‘how can we make this work in a way that’s fair to everyone?’ he might be responsive.

The emotional labour? Good luck. I honestly know very few women who have partners who take that on.

Is your new job full time OP?

I think you need to be more direct and tell him you need some time to yourself and why

Yes my new job is ft- it's a fairly senior role as have done before but I have always made it work with working for flexible companies.
DH company is VV old fashioned and has no flexibility is 8.30 onwards and he works over his hours most weeks.

Yeah I guess I am a bit of a mug for hoping that the emotional labour would be shared, wishful thinking as it's coming up to Christmas and that is something I do almost singlehandedly although he does the food on the day.

We've cooled down now (neither of us are fighters really) and took DH to the park and for a walk and to do the shopping.