Not having family time

[Wildflower219]

So my partners 6 year old son from a previous relationship has started staying and I am of course fine with this. My partner and I have a 6 month old together. I was quite looking forward to family bonding, board game nights etc I had even planned out a treasure hunt and bought things for him and my partner to dress up in for the hunt. However all the seem to do is play games on the PlayStation in his room. As soon as he gets here the two of them go play video games in his room. I had made dinner and called them down and my partner says let's eat it upstairs I had to say oh I thought we could all eat down here I don't really want food smelling out the bedrooms. His son seemed happy too my partner not so much. In the morning I don't see them until about 12/1 when one comes down for a drink otherwise my partner makes food brings it up and they are on the video games from as soon as they get up. I had this vision of us all sitting round the table eating breakfast and some small talk and bonding then yes play your video games. I would like his son to bond with his brother also and I it's stupid but I feel hurt that I had put so much effort into planning hunts and games etc just to get left sitting on my tod with the baby while they video game. AIBU or is this the new normal? I know kids like gaming but do use generally say you need to have a bit of family time first or at least come see the family in the morning first and eat together or is this a lost tradition? If not how do I breach the subject?

This is not normal or healthy for a 6 year old. Sounds like your DH is being a Disney Dad and taking the easy way out of parenting. I would start by asking him what he thinks is a healthy and fun weekend for a 6 year old and what a good family life should look like.

Was it like this before you had the baby?

Stop making an effort with things so if they don’t get done you’re less disappointed. Of course it’s shit and of course it’s a shame but you can only change your reactions if he’s unwilling to change his behaviour so put yourself out less and you won’t feel as hurt when he rejects your thoughtfulness. I wouldn’t be happy with it at all, it’s shocking parenting of a 6 year old! But he’s parenting the way he wants to and while you’re being very sweet and thoughtful I’d stop bothering.

YANBU. This is shit for the 6yo and for you. The only person who wins with this arrangement is your DH! In your shoes I would be very concerned about the future as he doesn't seem to have a clue about what it is to have a normal family life and be an involved parent.

Well he would of always had his cousin round so those two could play together before we had the baby and covid etc that way he didn't do much one on one parenting or really watch them much they entertained themselves with toys. My partner used to be into gaming but has cut back since the baby came. Although he would often just try to get his son on video games before this I don't really think he knows how to do much else it sounds bad but I don't think he's overally imaginative or realises that kids like simple old fashioned things too I think he just doesn't want to do them because he would find it boring himself. It's just a shame really because he says to me about his sons speech and how he doesn't interact but he doesn't try to help him gaming is probably the worst thing for that. I just worry he will think I'm being unreasonable and be like it's not about you it's about me and my son which is the way I can see the subect going.

Maybe tell him to look up the nhs exercise guidelines for children. Maybe there is a parenting for dummies guide he could read.

6 is far too young imo. They should not have consoles in their bedroom. My ds didn't have one at all at that age...they should be playing with toys.

No I agree with you, I don’t know how ‘normal’ it is but it certainly isn’t good for the child or family dynamics.
Sounds to me like your partner just wants to play games.
Can’t you have a chat with him and say that you were hoping to get to know his son, and put a bit of structure to the day? Obviously not too structured, but eating downstairs at mealtimes is the bare minimum tbh.

Always a mystery why someone who knows their partner is a crap parent chooses to have a baby with them anyway. He sounds completely useless. What a shame for his son and your child.

He can change if he’s willing to but tbh he’s within his rights to tell you you knew what he was like - lazy, unimaginative, disengaged - and chose to stay with him and reproduce with him anyway.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s one thing to put up with it on your own behalf and another to condemn a child to a rubbish dad.

I understand what your saying I don't think he is completely rubbish he wouldn't get on like that around our child as I don't allow it and he sits and with with us etc when his son isn't here. It doesn't help the mum has sent over a list of online games he likes to play. So maybe to him this is normal? I don't know I just know it's not the type of family environment I wanted

Introduce your DP to the phrase ‘screen time’. That’s an awful way to parent. You might need to get quite tough otherwise he’ll see this as the way to ‘look after’ your own child too.

It doesn't seem that horribly unreasonable to me. His son probably just wants time with his dad. Did you speak to your dp about all the games and ideas you had? Seems like there should be more of a balance

Stop making dinner for them. That doesn’t solve the bigger issue but might convey your point quite effectively.

Way too much screen time. But if I read your post correctly you had bought outfits for your Dh to dress up in for a treasure hunt? That's too much. You need to lower your expectations a bit, but your Dh definitely needs to buck up his ideas. Sitting together to eat at least one meal a day should not be negotiable.

Its quite sad....at 6, treasure hunts, board games and dressing up should still be really exciting.

AnneLovesGilbert

That wasn't very nice or fair.

If my husband had been like the OP describes with his older children I’d have struggled to find him remotely attractive and want to shag him never mind having a baby with him.

When you’re a stepmum before you’re a mum you can’t claim you didn’t know if your husband is lazy and not an involved parent if you have the evidence in front of you on a regular basis. OP says she knew he wasn’t great and couldn’t really be bothered beforehand but got away with it by palming entertaining his son on other people.

He’s a bit crap. He’s fine with being a bit crap. Everyone knew he was a bit crap. Why would he change now?

It’s such a common story on here, they don’t change.

I find your post tragic for the six year old.

No child, and certainly not one so young should be gaming for that amount of time. How does your dh feel about his child's general development and connection and communication skills? The things you arranged are lovely, and it is shame your dh does not appreciate them. I would be really quite horrified, and worried about what kind of parent he is going to be to your other child.

Sit down and talk to him about this, tell him you feel it is bad for his child, gaming for so long is detrimental to his health and the family dynamic. This is not okay.

Agree gaming limits and screen limits, and then activities and time together as a family. If handled well everyone should feel happier with boundaries in place.

I know kids like gaming but do use generally say you need to have a bit of family time first or at least come see the family in the morning first and eat together or is this a lost tradition? If not how do I breach the subject?

All meals at table, no food in rooms, is still the norm for young kids with the people I know.

AnneLovesGilbert

Equally mysterious is why you'd be so rude to someone in a horribly hurtful situation. It's not clever.

OP, this is not parenting. I really feel for you. It's in his son's interests to be part of a family and developing social, emotional skills and exercising lots. His dad doesn't get to treat you like a maid or ignore his other child, either, as that will be difficult to navigate later on if your step son thinks he's entitled to all the attention going at this point. It's really not just about the two of them, it's about your step son fitting into another family and finding his place. You're not even being given a chance to welcome him or create a place for him.

He noticed issues it's difficult as we only have him every second weekend as DH works one weekend in and one off and his son lives too far away for us to be able to get him to school etc on weekdays although in summer it will be more. He notices his speech and how he doesn't like communicating he backs off and cries at times its like it's stressful for him he didn't know how to brush his teeth or get dr ssed by my DH blames his mother which I don't think is right funnily enough he says he thinks she must just leave him and not speak to him as he doesn't like qns etc. It's a bit ironic I think it's the online gaming myself

I really feel for you and your stepson. It sounds like you are putting in so much effort and your partner should be grateful for that rather than ignoring you (especially as you have a child together who is his step son's sibling!).

I'd definitely speak to your partner and let him know this arrangement doesn't work for anyone other than him. It's not good for his son and will cause problems when your joint baby is old enough to want to join in too. Plus how is he meant to feel like part of your family if his dad doesn't facilitate him spending time with you and the baby?

Good luck (you sound like a lovely stepmum!).