To wonder how my mum can have such little self awareness?

[Rhine]

Just that really. DM has always been difficult and very unpredictable. Moody and sulky, but also extremely opinionated to the point of rudeness. She can’t accept anyone having a different opinion to that of her own and had upset and offended people in the past because of it.

Yesterday she got into an argument on Facebook with a neighbour over the Welsh lockdown. Effectively told them that it was only two weeks and they should ‘stop whinging’. Other people told DM she was out of order and she needs to pipe down, she won’t accept this because she’s ‘ entitled to an opinion’. Yes, and so is everyone else. A concept she doesn’t seem to grasp.

On top of this she claims she had a really bad day yesterday and felt ‘fed up’. But she ‘never moans’. My jaw hit the floor. She never fucking stops moaning, in fact I’ve never met who moans as much. She moaned constantly through the last lockdown ffs!

AIBU to wonder how she can lack such awareness with regards to her behaviour?

[Rhine]

@popcornlover

It sounds like your mother is unhappy OP, that is why she is moaning and saying she is fed up. Maybe she could use a caring daughter instead of one who comes on the internet to mock her and take comfort in the rallying cries of ‘narcissist!’. Jesus, no wonder she moans with a daughter like you. Please have a step back and look at your behaviour today.

Oh do fuck off. Why should I ‘care’ when she’s never shown me an ounce of it, and in fact has never asked me how I am or how my day was in my life?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

@popcornlover

It sounds like your mother is unhappy OP, that is why she is moaning and saying she is fed up. Maybe she could use a caring daughter instead of one who comes on the internet to mock her and take comfort in the rallying cries of ‘narcissist!’. Jesus, no wonder she moans with a daughter like you. Please have a step back and look at your behaviour today.

For some of us - well definitely for myself - I've spent my whole life trying to please my Mum, trying to make up for the things that have made her unhappy. I'm in my 50s now and still doing my best to keep the peace for fear of her being upset and angry. I have three bothers and they often upset her... and there I am trying to smooth over the cracks.

Throughout my life it has been my 'role' to make up for everything and now, I just do it for the sake of having to look back when she's no longer here and wish that I had done more. I have done everything I can - to my detriment and it wasn't my job. It's not a child's job to take care of their parent.

That's why so many of these posts resonate with me and, I suspect, with many of the posters here.

If you haven't experienced this yourself then respectfully, keep your judgements to yourself because you really haven't a clue.

[Wellsbells]

My dad is like that. He’ll never change. I’ve given up with him tbh

[MalorieSnooty]

@popcornlover

If you don't recognise the OP's description of her mother, then perhaps you should look more critically at the relationships around you. It is never the child's responsibility to make the parent happy, that is a recipe for abuse, misery and toxicity.

[picklemewalnuts]

I love the way half the posters instantly recognise the dynamic, and the other half dismiss it as a Facebook squabble.

My mum talks for hours at a time without ever asking how anyone else feels, whether anyone agrees with her, always about how unreasonable and self centred everyone else is.

She's totally lacking self awareness, truly believes she is hard done by, and can't listen to anyone else long enough to find out if there's another perspective.

This is someone who is perfectly happy with only having one comfortable seat in her house, who feeds herself and doesn't offer anyone else anything, and then complains when you eat something.

Honestly, becoming like her is something that terrifies me, but I don't think it's likely. She's always been like this, just thinly veiled when she was younger.

[TheLazyToad]

It’s not my mum who is a serial moaner, but a friend (although she is a mum too). Every single little discussion ends up with a major moan. If I’ve ever been a bit negative about my mum, I get the “at least you have a mother”. If I moan about the children, there is the, “at least your children talk to you” (hers have left home and don’t engage with her).

Any ache or pain, she has it worse. Covid, politics, shopping, pets, holidays, family – noooo, don’t mention any of it. Anything good in life, she puts a downer on that too. I actually make an effort to be positive, not to discuss anything controversial, and she will always find a negative. I can’t be happy or miserable about anything.

If you ask how she is, she will be at death’s door, but she never ever asks how anyone else is or will say she is pleased if anything nice happens for anyone. It puts a right downer on conversations. And she is in a wider group of friends, so not possible to reduce contact. It is draining.

[TrembleLikeAFlower]

Oh yes, the competitive misery!

[picklemewalnuts]

To go with the competitive misery, if you mention something pleasant you've done or had - "It's alright for some/I've been wanting to do that/I've never been able to do that/why didn't you ask me". So you stop saying anything because it's just a guilt trip.

[SandyY2K]

I do think certain words and labels are overused incorrectly on MN and end up becoming meaningless in the end.

Narcissistic is just one of them.

It does sound like your mum is quite vocal, not scared to say it as she feels and somewhat lacking in sensitivity.

I would agree that she is lacking in self awareness too.... it reminds me of a colleague who could moan for England and one day she said
"Can you believe the builder doing work in my house said I'm the most difficult person he'd ever met?"

It was very difficult to keep a straight face...until another colleague says "No way"...I couldn't hold in the laughter after that...or was hilarious.

Absolutely zero self awareness.

[Rhine]

@picklemewalnuts

To go with the competitive misery, if you mention something pleasant you've done or had - "It's alright for some/I've been wanting to do that/I've never been able to do that/why didn't you ask me". So you stop saying anything because it's just a guilt trip.

Yes this as well. It’s almost like she dislikes seeing anyone else happy.

And the competitive misery. It’s funny how so many of us have experienced the same thing.

[TrembleLikeAFlower]

Yes, it's fine to point out that the word "narcissist" gets bandied about a lot on MN - it does, often just to mean selfish or disagreeable - but the fact remains that there are people who are narcissists in the full meaning of the word and some MNers have them in their families.

[lazylump72]

To also add to the competitive misery can we also add waiting til you are really happy and sharing your good news and you get an instant jab of something,usually a put down that she has especially stored to use on you for such an occassion? The one that you didnt expect nd totally blindsides you? The one she has waited and sat on but just as things are going so well for you she decides its the right time to spit out knowing and yes she does know that such a thing will ruin your joy...sure most of us have experienced this little gem they seem to relish doing to us every now and then?

[lazylump72]

and I dont think they lack self awareness if yours is anything like mine OP she knows EXACTLY what she is doing...

[Sometimeswinning]

OP
^Maybe your mum comes from a generation when it was OK to debate issues without cries of "I'm offended" and "your words are hurting me" all the time^

My dm is like this. By the time people have stormed out outraged and insulted she will turn to.me and ask what's up with them? I just shrug and smile.

[LoadOfOldTosh]

@arethereanyleftatall

There's an awful lot of 'my mums the same' on here. Which begs the question - are we all destined to become like this?

Perhaps some of you are already but - like your mothers - just lack self-awareness? 🤔

[coldwinternightsbrrr]

@popcornlover

It sounds like your mother is unhappy OP, that is why she is moaning and saying she is fed up. Maybe she could use a caring daughter instead of one who comes on the internet to mock her and take comfort in the rallying cries of ‘narcissist!’. Jesus, no wonder she moans with a daughter like you. Please have a step back and look at your behaviour today.

This!

I couldn't agree more.
I think it's really mean how some grown adults treat their parents. When you think of everything your parents have done for you and then the disrespect you show them back is horrible.

[Soletsgotothepubearlierthen]

@coldwinternightsbrrr that only works if they're not disrespectful of you. Which OPs mum definitely is. Maybe you're the othervside of her dynamic and it's you who needs to learn to be more respectful to others?

[Jent13c]

Oh man this is my mum. She calls me and rants about the Government and how some GP she knows has said on facebook we should have gone the Swedish route blah blah blah. Its 20 minutes of me saying 'I'm really not interested'. Shes her own worst enemy though because as a result I barely call her, we probably speak once a week but I speak to my MIL at least daily.

She knows that this year was tough for us (husband out of work for 6 months, company screwed him out of redundancy, no support because we have a house deposit saved, had to go back to work when baby was 3 months old, living in tiny flat with 2 kids etc etc.). But she spends 20 minutes telling me how annoying all the restrictions are for her who has had absolutely no financial change and nice big 4 bed house in the country to stay at home in .

[vampirethriller]

Some of us have mothers who not only didn't do much for us but actively sabotaged us though. It's hard to find any respect for people who have repeatedly made it clear they don't even like you very much.

[coldwinternightsbrrr]

[quote Soletsgotothepubearlierthen]@coldwinternightsbrrr that only works if they're not disrespectful of you. Which OPs mum definitely is. Maybe you're the othervside of her dynamic and it's you who needs to learn to be more respectful to others?[/quote]
My mother is dead. What I would give to hear her 'moan' again.
Seriously get a grip. Unless your mother has beaten, abused or neglected you in some way I don't see the problem in hearing them have a 'moan'.
My Nan in law is a serious moaner, thinks she's right about everything etc but do you know what I listen to her and show respect to her. She has bought up her kids and also her grandson and has probably sacrificed a lot in her life. She has the right to have her rants. I don't agree with most of what she's saying but let her get on with it.

[Aweebawbee]

@arethereanyleftatall

There's an awful lot of 'my mums the same' on here. Which begs the question - are we all destined to become like this?

Absolutely. My DM always said that if she ever started to behave like her mother (my gran) then I should take her out and shoot her. Of course she became exactly like her mother and if I'd had a gun...

Sadly I'm getting to that point myself. Almost every day I open my mouth and hear my mother's words coming out.

[vidalbaboon]

My mother has just been moaning about how it's "the Asian posties who steal parcels and money from cards". no point arguing with her - she knows best!

She emigrated to the other side of the world when I was in my 20s. We have sent letters, cards and parcels for over 30 years with nothing ever going missing.

[longwayoff]

There are loads of us self focused old bats out here. I woke up on Friday morning and noticed the tv was showing Saturday's weather. Switched on radio, same thing, Saturday presenter. How odd. Did I think I was wrong about Friday? I did not. Took someone else to point out to me the glaringly obvious. Dear me

[BanditoShipman]

Bingo! I was just waiting for the ‘my parent is dead you should feel lucky yours is alive, I’d give anything to hear mine moaning!’

not every parent is great, yours may have been but ops is not!!