To wonder how my mum can have such little self awareness?

[Rhine]

Just that really. DM has always been difficult and very unpredictable. Moody and sulky, but also extremely opinionated to the point of rudeness. She can’t accept anyone having a different opinion to that of her own and had upset and offended people in the past because of it.

Yesterday she got into an argument on Facebook with a neighbour over the Welsh lockdown. Effectively told them that it was only two weeks and they should ‘stop whinging’. Other people told DM she was out of order and she needs to pipe down, she won’t accept this because she’s ‘ entitled to an opinion’. Yes, and so is everyone else. A concept she doesn’t seem to grasp.

On top of this she claims she had a really bad day yesterday and felt ‘fed up’. But she ‘never moans’. My jaw hit the floor. She never fucking stops moaning, in fact I’ve never met who moans as much. She moaned constantly through the last lockdown ffs!

AIBU to wonder how she can lack such awareness with regards to her behaviour?

@Rhine

My DM has also been moaning about face coverings and how difficult they make it for her to breath. Drives me potty.

I made my family some masks in the summer when they were encouraged rather than compulsory. My mother's response to hers was 'Oh, I don't really bother with those'. Might get in the way of her 50 a day fag habit eh

Another one who reckons narcissism but there's a long list of evidence to back my belief regarding my mother. Thank God mine's not on FB, she'd start WW3!

My mum is also like this. I've asked her not to 'discuss' loudly rant her politics at me.

I think some people just need friction in their lives and people to grate against. Sadly.

Sympathies. Earplugs are the way to go. I have skin-colour ones, they don't completely drown out (for safety) but do reduce the volume levels a lot. Smile and nod.

@Rhine gosh, this could be my dm.
I once disagreed with her opinion and she told me my then teenage ds would end up in borstal and my then 8 years old dd would be pregnant at 13! Slight overreaction there.
Btw my dc have decent jobs, no criminal records and dd has still not had a baby!

@arethereanyleftatall

There's an awful lot of 'my mums the same' on here. Which begs the question - are we all destined to become like this?

I bloody hope I don’t turn out like this!

Her whole life is documented on Facebook. It’s bloody embarrassing.

Your mum is correct. It’s 17 days. People should stop moaning.

Some people are just like that. My mum moaned about a lot of things. I would occasionally say things like, "You already said that twice", or "We get the picture", and she never took the hint. She thought she never complained - only morning 'til night or so it seemed. She had her good points of course but a definite blind spot about her own personality.

@Barryisland

Your mum is correct. It’s 17 days. People should stop moaning.

Yes, but she moans herself. Constantly. She moaned endlessly during the last lockdown so it’s a tad hypocritical for her to accuse others of it.

@Flaxmeadow

Narcissistic because she had a row on facebook. really?

This

"My mum is a narcissist" is the default position on MN for anyone who had a slight disagreement with their mother. I'm sure there are some who think thier mother shouldn't answer back, but just spend their time quietly babysitting grandchildren, knitting and baking cakes

OP
Maybe your mum comes from a generation when it was OK to debate issues without cries of "I'm offended" and "your words are hurting me" all the time

People often disgree on the issues of the day. So what

Have to agree with this .

So when she claimed she never moans, did you point out the truth to her?

When someone claims to never moan, and moans constantly, maybe we should say to them 'I'm glad to hear it, would you like me to point out when you moan?' Then they can only say 'that's fine'. Followed by every time thereafter that they moan 'that's a moan.'

Not sure how old you are OP but 20 years ago I would have said exactly the same about my own mum

Now I would imagine my DC would think the same about me

@shinynewapple2020
I'm so glad you've said this, do you honestly think you are like this and when do you think you 'changed'? Why did you change? My sister and I talk a lot about making sure the other one never becomes like this.

There's a word I only learned recently that perfectly sums up people like this; "Gammons". The male version tends to be the sort of red faced golf club bore who likes to preface everything they say with "I'm not a racist, but...". The female of the species are often more subtle in their approach but either way you'll often be treated to the sort of commentary on life that would make Hitler blush. They are the quintessential Brexidiot, which is a crowning irony as their status as a Gammon is now protected under EU law as a traditional speciality guaranteed (TSG).

I am laughing here, but only from recognition - you have described my parent perfectly. Absolutely committed to their "right to free speech" (ie being rude and hurtful) but would be incensed if anyone exercised their right to free speech to offer them some feedback.

It is only two weeks though..... 😁
Everyone I know pleased about it.

You didn't laugh?! I would have, and then said something like ""oh mum you never stop!".

My sister in law is the same OP.
Not for moaning but last week she said ‘I never gossip though do I’ not long followed by ‘I’m not an angry person’ and I honestly think she’s oblivious to how she really is. She’s the angriest person I’ve ever met and I can’t speak to her without her telling me secrets/information/stories of what happened that week.

I’m sitting here smiling to myself. I’m so glad my mother doesn’t do social media. She was very very surprised when I wasn’t ecstatic after the referendum. Apparently I’m very secretive and never tell her anything. In reality I’m supposed to listen to her long and boring drones and monologues. Why on earth would I put my head on the block and say I disagree with her world view? Being chronically ill has it’s advantage. I am too ill to listen and can just go to bed.

@Orangesox

I could’ve written this myself about my own mother. Narcissists have no self awareness, because to them only their thoughts, feelings, opinions, wants and needs exist. If she were a normal reasonable person I’d say YANBU.

It’s so sodding infuriating though... my mother cannot be happy for anyone (especially me!), she is always moaning about how hard done by she is, how she deserves to live a life better than everyone else’s, how she knows everything etc.

We could be sisters!

Maybe your mum comes from a generation when it was OK to debate issues without cries of "I'm offended" and "your words are hurting me" all the time

No, they didn't use these phrases. Instead they said, 'That's shockingly bad manners!'. 'Don't contradict!', 'A polite person never discusses religion or politics in public' or 'Respect your elders!' Or, if less concerned about sounding ladylike, simply 'Shut up!'

There have always been people who moaned all the time, but claimed to be uncomplaining martyrs. I'm now reminded of that wartime radio comedy, 'ITMA' with the gloomy character Mona Lott and her catchphrase 'It's being so cheerful that keeps me going!' (Incidentally, for those who think that everyone respected the government and its rules during the last war, Tommy Handley in that comedy took the role of 'Minister of Aggravation and Mysteries at the Office of Twerps'.)

On a more serious note, your mother does sound frustrating to deal with!

@popcornlover
This is a place for support. I think it’s fine for op to come on here and anonymously complain about her mother. So much more dignified than attacking others on Facebook.

My entire being used to be about pleasing my mother. Decades of it. Still I couldn’t please her. Still she ranted. It is not for a daughter to fulfil her mother’s deep seated unhappiness. Yes it is sad. And anecdotally the converse is actually often true.

My mother has far more respect for me and sees me as more of a human since I created firm boundaries. For first time in my life She recently complimented me, saying how amazed she was over something I do when several times over the years she had scoffed at the same. The only difference now being that she no longer sees me as competition.

I join you all its my mum down to a t...I can be having a lovely day and the second the phone rings it is all doom and gloom etc ..small woman in her thinking...and very hard work.