To wonder how my mum can have such little self awareness?

[Rhine]

Just that really. DM has always been difficult and very unpredictable. Moody and sulky, but also extremely opinionated to the point of rudeness. She can’t accept anyone having a different opinion to that of her own and had upset and offended people in the past because of it.

Yesterday she got into an argument on Facebook with a neighbour over the Welsh lockdown. Effectively told them that it was only two weeks and they should ‘stop whinging’. Other people told DM she was out of order and she needs to pipe down, she won’t accept this because she’s ‘ entitled to an opinion’. Yes, and so is everyone else. A concept she doesn’t seem to grasp.

On top of this she claims she had a really bad day yesterday and felt ‘fed up’. But she ‘never moans’. My jaw hit the floor. She never fucking stops moaning, in fact I’ve never met who moans as much. She moaned constantly through the last lockdown ffs!

AIBU to wonder how she can lack such awareness with regards to her behaviour?

[TrembleLikeAFlower]

I think what often happens is that some people get so attached to the “woe is me” narrative that they can’t stop themselves finding fault - even if something is 99% marvellous they’ll focus on the 1% that isn’t, because that’s what fits that narrative.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I wish my mum would shut up when things are good. Unfortunately her way of coping with good times is to fuck them up and blame someone else.
Me, my siblings, my dad.

[Soletsgotothepubearlierthen]

@coldwinternightsbrrr
Soletsgotothepubearlierthen
@coldwinternightsbrrr that only works if they're not disrespectful of you. Which OPs mum definitely is. Maybe you're the othervside of her dynamic and it's you who needs to learn to be more respectful to others?


My mother is dead. What I would give to hear her 'moan' again.
Seriously get a grip. Unless your mother has beaten, abused or neglected you in some way I don't see the problem in hearing them have a 'moan
As you say, you dont have exoerience of the persistent moaning that OP is describing. I rather think the point is that it is emotional neglect and at least some aspect of abuse going on if you look at the commonality on here. Just because you can't empathise doesn't mean it is true if some other people's experience.

[vidalbaboon]

@wigglerose

My mum likes a good moan. My MIL never stops complaining. Everything she says is in a peevish tone of voice that is like nails on a blackboard for me, I'm afraid. In fact, when she's actually happy she SHUTS UP. She'll smile, say thanks and then be quiet.

What does it take to get her to that stage?

[wigglerose]

My mum likes a good moan. My MIL never stops complaining. Everything she says is in a peevish tone of voice that is like nails on a blackboard for me, I'm afraid. In fact, when she's actually happy she SHUTS UP. She'll smile, say thanks and then be quiet.

[MorrisZapp]

This is my mum, absolutely. So familiar with the dynamic. My sister and I have a policy of 'respond to the words, not the faces'. So if I say 'is that ok with you mum?' and she responds with 'yes' then she can huff, puff and make sad faces as much as she likes. Silences will be ignored too.

Make her say the words. She knows she's wholly unreasonable but instead of admitting how selfish she is and that ideally every single person of her acquaintance should put her firmly in the centre of their own existence, all she has is eye rolls and 'hmmm' s.

Don't indulge it. Keep smiling. Be jolly.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

But you just have to learn to suck it up.
No @coldwinternightsbrrr, the OP really doesn't and shouldn't.

[coldwinternightsbrrr]

@Rhine

coldwinternights you are so bloody ignorant with regards to emotional abuse and neglect I don’t even know where to begin. So you had a nice, loving mother? Well bully for you, lots of us didn’t. Unless you have anything constructive to add don’t bother.

Not ignorant at all. What you have described in your opening post is not anyway abuse. It just sounds like you have a massive personality clash- something I have with my Nan in law. But you just have to learn to suck it up.
I never said I had a perfect mother. I had an alcoholic/heroin addict mother who left us when I was 12 for her dealer.
Believe me my Mum had some major faults. But at end of day she was still my Mum.

[longwayoff]

Can I just suggest you stop engaging with these people? Shut them down or leave them to their monologue. You'll never change such entrenched behaviour so don't take part in it.

[vidalbaboon]

15 clips which remind me of her -

0_

[vidalbaboon]

@Rhine

Yeah it’s really hard. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life because of her,

Me too. Attracted abusers because I didn't see red flags. Grew up in a home festooned with red flags so it was familiar to me to be treated badly.

[Rhine]

Yeah it’s really hard. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life because of her,

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I hear you OP. My mum is the same. It is annoying and then it becomes ridiculous. Her DM was the same, I often wonder if they "inherit" these traits and see them as something that they have a "right" to after pandering to their own mums for so long.🤔

[Rhine]

coldwinternights you are so bloody ignorant with regards to emotional abuse and neglect I don’t even know where to begin. So you had a nice, loving mother? Well bully for you, lots of us didn’t. Unless you have anything constructive to add don’t bother.

[vidalbaboon]

@TrembleLikeAFlower

Exactly, Bandito. I feel very much for people who have lost a parent and are still feeling their loss. But (generally speaking) they have had a very different experience throughout their life - that’s why their relationship has been so different - and very often they have no conception of what it’s like to grow up with and try to maintain any kind of relationship with someone who isn’t just a bit selfish but meets the diagnostic definition of narcissistic.

My mother told my violent ex my address when I left him after I specifically asked her not to. She didn't even like the guy!

She lived in a 3-bedroomed place alone and didn't offer me a room (which I would have paid her for). I stayed in a one-room with shared bathroom and kitchen instead. Come to think of it, I was probably better off that way.

One thing I can thank my mother for - resilience! Always had to handle everything alone. Never think of turning to her when life goes wrong.

[coldwinternightsbrrr]

@BanditoShipman

Bingo! I was just waiting for the ‘my parent is dead you should feel lucky yours is alive, I’d give anything to hear mine moaning!’

not every parent is great, yours may have been but ops is not!!

'Bingo'? How bloody rude!
My mother was far from perfect she was an alcoholic and heroin addict
But do you know what she was still my mum. Just be greatful to have a mother figure in your life who's only crime is being a bit of a 'narcissist' because she moans too much.

[TrembleLikeAFlower]

Exactly, Bandito. I feel very much for people who have lost a parent and are still feeling their loss. But (generally speaking) they have had a very different experience throughout their life - that’s why their relationship has been so different - and very often they have no conception of what it’s like to grow up with and try to maintain any kind of relationship with someone who isn’t just a bit selfish but meets the diagnostic definition of narcissistic.

[BanditoShipman]

Bingo! I was just waiting for the ‘my parent is dead you should feel lucky yours is alive, I’d give anything to hear mine moaning!’

not every parent is great, yours may have been but ops is not!!

[longwayoff]

There are loads of us self focused old bats out here. I woke up on Friday morning and noticed the tv was showing Saturday's weather. Switched on radio, same thing, Saturday presenter. How odd. Did I think I was wrong about Friday? I did not. Took someone else to point out to me the glaringly obvious. Dear me

[vidalbaboon]

My mother has just been moaning about how it's "the Asian posties who steal parcels and money from cards". no point arguing with her - she knows best!

She emigrated to the other side of the world when I was in my 20s. We have sent letters, cards and parcels for over 30 years with nothing ever going missing.

[Aweebawbee]

@arethereanyleftatall

There's an awful lot of 'my mums the same' on here. Which begs the question - are we all destined to become like this?

Absolutely. My DM always said that if she ever started to behave like her mother (my gran) then I should take her out and shoot her. Of course she became exactly like her mother and if I'd had a gun...

Sadly I'm getting to that point myself. Almost every day I open my mouth and hear my mother's words coming out.

[coldwinternightsbrrr]

[quote Soletsgotothepubearlierthen]@coldwinternightsbrrr that only works if they're not disrespectful of you. Which OPs mum definitely is. Maybe you're the othervside of her dynamic and it's you who needs to learn to be more respectful to others?[/quote]
My mother is dead. What I would give to hear her 'moan' again.
Seriously get a grip. Unless your mother has beaten, abused or neglected you in some way I don't see the problem in hearing them have a 'moan'.
My Nan in law is a serious moaner, thinks she's right about everything etc but do you know what I listen to her and show respect to her. She has bought up her kids and also her grandson and has probably sacrificed a lot in her life. She has the right to have her rants. I don't agree with most of what she's saying but let her get on with it.

[vampirethriller]

Some of us have mothers who not only didn't do much for us but actively sabotaged us though. It's hard to find any respect for people who have repeatedly made it clear they don't even like you very much.