AIBU? A laying in one.

[snapthesnap]

For context - I'm a SAHM for the most part with a bit of PT evening work mon-fri, we have one at school and one nursery aged DC who is currently at home with me.
DP works FT mon-fri and often in the office in the evenings for an hour or so to prep for next day.

DC2 wakes up around 6am and often wakes DC1 up , it's before anyone needs to be up really. They usually go to DPs side and climb in bed with us as he seems to be the current favourite parent and he takes them down puts TV on and gives them a drink and then either comes back to bed for a bit or does a home workout. I get up and give them breakfast / get them ready for the day / do school run.

He did the same yesterday and last night said he thinks he'll have a lay in today. I said ok cool I'll get up with them. DC2 woke up on his own this time about 5.30 am (due to the time change I think), came into our bedroom and climbed in bed as he always does, pretty much straight away DP got up and took him downstairs, I didn't say anything. Then for some reason DP decided he was going to sleep downstairs on the sofa, dc1 went down to join them and after a while I heard DP telling them off and raising his voice, they were playing rough together and disturbing his sleep.
He sent them back upstairs and they went to play in their bedroom, I went in to see them and they asked if they can have a bath so I've just popped them in for a bit.

I have a feeling there will be lots of huffing and puffing today and he will be in a foul mood and talking about how he's so tired and didn't get to sleep properly and so on even though I think he didn't even really give me a chance to get up and then decided to sleep on the sofa? AIBU to think it's his own fault? I'm prepared to be told IABU, but he could've given me a nudge if I didn't react fast enough this morning even though I really don't think that's the case, if he really wanted to take DC down but wanted some sleep after he could've just come back to bed and tell me he's going back to sleep and I would've gone down, I told him I was more than happy to get up, it's like the only acceptable solution was for me to leap out of bed immediately or he was going to do it and now be in a mood.

He's working tomorrow but has taken the rest of the week off to spend time with DC during half term and I'm happy for him to sleep in everyday if he wants. I don't shirk from getting up but he's just stared doing it one day a few weeks ago and it just fell into that pattern as we didn't really talk about it.

So AIBU? Did I not react quick enough?

[LavaCake]

I think YABU - for one thing I would wait to see if he actually is in a mood rather than anticipating one and spoiling for a fight. But more importantly, if you had agreed he could have a lie in I think you should have got up when the kids came in. MN is full of stories of men who wait it out when children need something in the night in the expectation that if they don’t deal with it their partners will, and they rightly get short shrift for it.

You could have seen that your husband was getting up and said ‘It’s your turn for a lie in, I’ll take them now’, rather than thinking it was his responsibility to ask you. He’d already asked really, when he checked the night before if you were happy for him to have a lie in.

[vanillandhoney]

When DH went to get up, why on earth didn't you say anything to him? Surely at that point you should have told him to stay in bed and have his lie-in?

But he should also have refused to get up and should have nudged you until you did. There are plenty of threads here every week from pissed off women because their husbands have promised them a lie-in but have just ignored the children anyway and let her get on with it as usual.

I think YABU. He gets up early every day to deal with the children. Even if he comes back to bed he's still had to get up and sort things out which probably means he's inevitably "up" for the day when DC are.

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

He gets up with them every morning and is working again tomorrow, he asked for one lie in which is reasonable and you agreed, then when they got up this morning you just laid there and let him deal with it, he shouldn't have to nudge you to remind you. Even if he got up straight away you should've said go back to bed it's my turn today

[snapthesnap]

Good point @LavaCake I'm not spoiling for a fight btw. We don't really fight. I just don't like an atmosphere. He's already been upstairs once and gave me a very weak and miserable sounding "hi snap" like he can barely talk complete with slumped shoulders and then shuffled back downstairs. I just know he will be like this for the rest of the day.

But he has never EVER even attempted to get up with one of them when it was my morning. They usually climb into our bed first then me or him get up a few mins later, he was literally out of bed within 30 secs of DC climbing in vigorously putting his clothes on. At that point if I told him to get back into bed he would say something like "I'm up now it's fine".

[MsVestibule]

YABU. You said you'd get up, so as soon as he started to get out of bed, you should have said 'you stay in bed, I'll get up'.

It might be a better idea to get up now, apologise briefly and tell him you'll get up for the next few days. Not sure why you're arseing about on MN writing a lengthy post when you could be up sorting this out.

[vanillandhoney]

Hang on - did he get up at five thirty and you're still in bed now, even though it's his day to sleep in?

[CoopsMalloops]

Just say sorry you didn’t move quick enough and let him make a showcase of getting up early. Trying to sleep on the sofa and shouting at the kids to make a point to you is pathetic.
Try and see if he can get a lie while he’s off next week.

[Redlocks28]

DC2 woke up on his own this time about 5.30 am (due to the time change I think), came into our bedroom and climbed in bed as he always does, pretty much straight away DP got up and took him downstairs, I didn't say anything

Why on Earth didn’t you say anything?!

You promised to get up and give him a lie in, but when it came to it, you just lay in bed and didn’t say anything?!

[snapthesnap]

I didn't say anything because he has never done this before. Usually if he's having a lay in he will ignore an earthquake. He's also completely out of it at night and if any DC is up its me sorting it, although it's becoming rare for them to get up at night now.
We always have DCs in bed with us for a cuddle in the morning for a bit, I wasn't expecting him to literally jump out of bed as DC barely got in.

[LiveFromHome]

You heard the first child come in to the bedroom.
You heard your DP get up with them.
You heard the second child get up and up downstairs.
You know he was trying to go back to sleep downstairs.

Yet at no point did you get up, or go downstairs and tell him to go back to bed - and from what I can make out at the time of posting you were still in bed and have only got up because he's sent the children upstairs.

Of course YABU.

And I'm sure you'll do the whiny "well I'd have got up if you'd asked" if he raises it with you.

[Rotundandhappy]

Did you go back to sleep @snapthesnap?

[ChronicallyCurious]

YABU

[Grobagsforever]

Say sorry and send him for a nap. Sorted

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YABU. Apologise and give him a break later.

[Sally872]

You heard the children as soon as DH moved you should have said "its ok i am awake" He didn't want to wake you, but he did want his lie in. Given he gets up early with him the other days I assume he really wanted/needed lie in. If you bad genuinely been asleep it can't be helped but you heard them.

[MitziK]

Why not, in the interests of keeping things nice, give him the option of going for an uninterrupted bath, a bit of peace and quiet/rest or suchlike during the day?

He doesn't have to accept it, but even suggesting it because he didn't get the planned lie in whilst you did, it shows that you are aware of what happened.

When I used to find myself sitting downstairs at silly o'clock with children, it made a real difference if the other person didn't take advantage and would come down, especially if there were sounds of discontent. Not every time, but occasionally, especially if I was tired because I hadn't slept too well, it was nice to not be left to deal with it all first thing.

[AnneOfQueenSables]

Of course YABU. He asked for a lie in. You heard the DCs come in. You heard him get up with them and you just stayed in bed. He didn't need to ask. He didn't need to lie there for a certain amount of time to see if you were going to move. You should have followed him down or taken the DCs from him in the bedroom so he could go straight back to sleep.

[flaviaritt]

Against the grain. If he got out of bed pretty much straight away, he didn’t give you much of a chance to do what you usually do and have them in bed for a few minutes before someone gets up. He chose not to have a lie in.

[category12]

YABU - if you said you'd get up and he could lie in, you should have got up. You know what you agreed and yes, he's handled it poorly by being passive-aggressive about it, but you didn't step in when you said you would.

[Odile13]

Why don’t you just go and talk to him? You say you don’t argue but is that because you just avoid any type of conflict and both just huff and puff instead? Go to him, explain what happened and see if you can agree how the rest of the day can take place so you both get what you want. Maybe he could have some extra leisure time this afternoon to make up for missing his lie in.

[Peace43]

YABU. You should have got up when you heard the kids come in and told him to go back to bed. You lay there are let him get dressed. If you’d got up and he’d then refused to go back to bed it would have been on him....

[dontdisturbmenow]

YABU. You should have made a point when he got up that you'd said you do it and get up.

This waiting to see him get up when clearly someone needed to and staying in bed was uncaring.

He would have aright to be grumpy towards you today.

[Frdd]

You should’ve got up.

[BigFatLiar]

He's already been upstairs once and gave me a very weak and miserable sounding "hi snap" like he can barely talk complete with slumped shoulders and then shuffled back downstairs.

He may simply be tired and grumpy. Not necessarily with you but just an morning tired and grumpiness. Don't read too much into it. Perhaps he just likes being dad and letting you have a lie in (until they started squabbling). Just say thanks for taking the kids downstairs and sorry he didn't get his lie in. Don't spoil for a fight and accept that he can be a bit grumpy at times (as can we all) its allowed.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He gets up with them every day even though he’s then got to work and you’re at home. Irrespective of who gives them breakfast etc that’s not fair. On the one day he asked for a lie in you didn’t get up. You obviously know you’re in the wrong as you’re being very defensive about him sounding tired. 5:30 is the night time, he’s probably exhausted. Your tone about him is really resentful. Barring a mega drip feed I think you’re being very unfair and need to get up more during the week as well.