AIBU? A laying in one.

[snapthesnap]

For context - I'm a SAHM for the most part with a bit of PT evening work mon-fri, we have one at school and one nursery aged DC who is currently at home with me.
DP works FT mon-fri and often in the office in the evenings for an hour or so to prep for next day.

DC2 wakes up around 6am and often wakes DC1 up , it's before anyone needs to be up really. They usually go to DPs side and climb in bed with us as he seems to be the current favourite parent and he takes them down puts TV on and gives them a drink and then either comes back to bed for a bit or does a home workout. I get up and give them breakfast / get them ready for the day / do school run.

He did the same yesterday and last night said he thinks he'll have a lay in today. I said ok cool I'll get up with them. DC2 woke up on his own this time about 5.30 am (due to the time change I think), came into our bedroom and climbed in bed as he always does, pretty much straight away DP got up and took him downstairs, I didn't say anything. Then for some reason DP decided he was going to sleep downstairs on the sofa, dc1 went down to join them and after a while I heard DP telling them off and raising his voice, they were playing rough together and disturbing his sleep.
He sent them back upstairs and they went to play in their bedroom, I went in to see them and they asked if they can have a bath so I've just popped them in for a bit.

I have a feeling there will be lots of huffing and puffing today and he will be in a foul mood and talking about how he's so tired and didn't get to sleep properly and so on even though I think he didn't even really give me a chance to get up and then decided to sleep on the sofa? AIBU to think it's his own fault? I'm prepared to be told IABU, but he could've given me a nudge if I didn't react fast enough this morning even though I really don't think that's the case, if he really wanted to take DC down but wanted some sleep after he could've just come back to bed and tell me he's going back to sleep and I would've gone down, I told him I was more than happy to get up, it's like the only acceptable solution was for me to leap out of bed immediately or he was going to do it and now be in a mood.

He's working tomorrow but has taken the rest of the week off to spend time with DC during half term and I'm happy for him to sleep in everyday if he wants. I don't shirk from getting up but he's just stared doing it one day a few weeks ago and it just fell into that pattern as we didn't really talk about it.

So AIBU? Did I not react quick enough?

[Halliehallie9828]

YABU. You stayed in bed and didn’t bother and went back to sleep.
I’d be pissed off at you to.

[MikeUniformMike]

A long lie or a long lay?

[category12]

[quote snapthesnap]@Florencex I don't mean it took him 30secs to get out of bed. I mean DC was barely in bed with us as usually for a morning cuddle and DP just swung himself out of bed it probably took him a couple of seconds if that.
I wasn't fully alert just yet but was going to have a little cuddle and get up with them. [/quote]
But then you had the opportunity to get up and follow him down and send him back up to bed - instead you laid in bed, knowing full well you'd agreed to get up instead.

Maybe he's martyrish and impatient and should have waited for you to move your arse, but you have had better choices you could have made.

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

YABU.

If I had a morning to lie in and DH bought the kids into bed, that isn't a lie in.

[QueSera]

I am utterly exhausted from reading your OP and updates, so much tedious minutae. As far as I can tell, in your OP you didn't even know if he's in a mood yet, you were just thinking that he might be later?
In any event, he gets up very early with the kids most days (why is this, when he works and you don't work in the day?), wanted one lie-in, and you didn't step up. Even if he was out of bed fast, you could have gone downstairs and taken over and sent him back to bed. YABU.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Maybe he's martyrish and impatient

I would be too if I got up every single morning wiry your life then worked full time while their other parent got a lie and then wandered down to do breakfast, never mind being cheated of the one rare lie in I’d specifically requested.

OP, it’s all very well saying he can lie in on his leave days next week but based on this morning’s performance he’d have no reason to believe you. If I was him I’d be booking a night or two in a hotel and turning off my phone.

[snapthesnap]

@category12 maybe I should've made a better choice. Even if I did I know him well enough to know he would've said "I'm up now it doesn't matter" and refused to go back to bed. But maybe I should've done it anyway, a part of me just really doesn't like martyr type behaviour. He must have definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed (no pun intended) as he would usually always have a cuddle with DC not just spring out of bed like he did as DC barely got in.

@CovidStoleTheRainbow we always let the DCs into bed in the morning without fault regardless of the day of who's lie in it is.

[Merrymumoftwo]

Maybe he got up fast seeing the time and how awake DC was? I do this even if we sometimes cuddle in bed to avoid DP waking if I think he is still asleep. If you spoke up he would have known you were awake.
Maybe he is concerned about having things finished before weather gets worse so can you not just say can I help with anything?

[WhereverIGoddamnLike]

@snapthesnap

Stop making excuses and apologise. Dont say "sorry but if was your fault because you did...." because that's not an apology. Just say "I'm sorry, I said you could lie in this morning and I should have got up. Would you like my help with anything today. Should I take the kids out for a walk to give you an hour of quiet?"

You messed up, not him. And to make it worse, you went back to sleep. Apologise.

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

[quote snapthesnap]@category12 maybe I should've made a better choice. Even if I did I know him well enough to know he would've said "I'm up now it doesn't matter" and refused to go back to bed. But maybe I should've done it anyway, a part of me just really doesn't like martyr type behaviour. He must have definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed (no pun intended) as he would usually always have a cuddle with DC not just spring out of bed like he did as DC barely got in.

@CovidStoleTheRainbow we always let the DCs into bed in the morning without fault regardless of the day of who's lie in it is.

[/quote]
Most of us think YABU, you clearly don't think YABU.

So what else can come from this thread?

[LittleMissLockdown]

Even with all your updates I still think YABU, he asked for just 1 morning and yet you couldn't even give him that.

However that doesn't matter because you've clearly decided that no matter what he says or does he is in the wrong, so I'm not sure why you even asked.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

The fact that you were predicting he would be in a bad mood says you know YWBU. If my DH has agreed to me having a lie in and then didn’t get up with the DC, I’d be mightily pissed off.

Letting the children into the bed is not the same as a lie in, especially if they’re an age where they can’t sit downstairs watching TV by themselves.

Stop passing the blame onto him for getting up to quickly. You should have immediately moved.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Proofread before posting!

*had not has
*too not to

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

I think he didn't even really give me a chance to get up and then decided to sleep on the sofa

I think you are being disingenuous.

He gets up with them every single morning. He said he wanted a lie-in, you should have got up straight away, or else gone downstairs straight away and told him to go back up and left him in peace while you kept them downstairs.

Tell him you are sorry you didn't intervene to make sure he got his lie in, and say next time it is his turn to ask you to take them downstairs.

But you shouldn't need asking so don't make that a passive aggressive criticism.

[Angelina82]

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Just tell him that he’s owed a lie in and to be sure to give you a nudge next time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[audweb]

My ex used to do this. Would hear DD coming in; and despite having promised me to get up, wouldn’t. Would let me get up, and not say anything and I was TIRED of having to ask the night before, and then again in the morning. The fact that he would agree, and then I would have to beg again in the morning was exhausting. I worked full time, he would often be unemployed so at home, and yet it was always consistently me getting up. He’s an ex for a reason, and I couldn’t get over his selfishness. Your husband asked you the night before, you didn’t make a move, you should have. He shouldn’t have to remind you in the morning. And then you took the lie in! You should have gotten up and sent him back to bed. It’s always tiring having to be the one to ask for permission to sleep a little longer.

[snapthesnap]

@Merrymumoftwo I can and absolutely will help. There's not all that much to do just a few bits that need taking to the dump site after we had a bit of work done and a general tidy around we only have a small garden so it's not a huge job.
There's nothing for him to do in the house as he doesn't do any housework, he doesn't even know where the bathroom cleaner is.

And to some PPs when I mention he gets up with DCs they are usually up anywhere between 6.15-6.45am and he takes them down and puts them in front of the TV and most days works out as he wouldn't be able to fit it in otherwise. I'm up at 7ish to get them ready and make breakfast occasionally one or both of them will sleep in a bit longer and I'll get them up I'm not having hours and hours in bed. He doesn't get involved in any other activity, just makes his own breakfast and sorts himself out for work. He doesn't clean, cook, do dishes or laundry, remembers school stuff or knows where the uniforms are and I'm completely fine with that as I'm a SAHM for most part. I get up with DCs if they're ever up at night. We work in the office after DCs have gone to bed as I have my work to do and he catches up with a few emails and preps for next day. Rinse and repeat Mon-Fri.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

What an awful lot of overthinking. Tell him to go for a nana nap this afternoon and get on with your day.

[snapthesnap]

Oh and just to clarify - I did apologise, I said I thought he'd come back up to bed and ended up dozing off and I'm sorry.

[Disappointedkoala]

If you said you'd get up, you should have got up. We do one weekend lie in each so we each get a decent chance to catch up on some rest. Why not try that rather than both getting disturbed every morning?

[CovidStoleTheRainbow]

You are still unreasonable.

You were unreasonable at the start of the thread and still unreasonable after all the words that followed.

[MJMG2015]

@snapthesnap

Jesus, the lack of comprehension skills on MN these days drives me nuts!!

You didn't 'jump out of bed' because that's not what YOUR family does.

He CHOSE to get up when he'd normally just cuddle up wuth the kids.

Fuck knows what his PA behaviour was all about, but it's pathetic.

Stop trying to fix everything for him & stop accepting his childish PA nonsense

Think about what YOU want to do fir the rest of the day & let sulky chops stew in his own juices.

[MJMG2015]

Christ alive.

He takes them downstairs, shives them in front of the TV

THEN DIES NOTHING ELSE fir you, the house or the kids and women in here still want to tell you you're unreasonable & he deserves a medal

For the love of fuck

You're in the go ALL day with the kids, YOU do ALL the cooking/cleaning/laundry AND YOU work in the evenings.

It's NOT YOU that needs a kick up the pants!!

[burnoutbabe]

I think he is being the unreasonable one here.
He could easily have said "your turn" and all this avoided.
If he jumped up, one would assume that actually he wanted to get up (slept badly? Needed a wee?) and as an adult one wouldn't over rule this.
Or just come back after setting up tv and said "your turn, they are settled down, I put kettle on"
He just sounds grumpy and out of sorts so moaning about house being a mess etc.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@MJMG2015

Whether he works or helps with the housework is a different issue and I chose not to comment as it’s not relevant to the question the OP asked.