To think this comment is insensitive?

[Cakeandsprinkles]

I’m 37 weeks with my first baby. Pregnancy has been very difficult for me and I’ve been struggling with mixed emotions throughout due to past mental health issues. As my due date gets closer, I have been getting more and more anxious about the birth, coping with being a new mum etc.

Anyway, I was talking to a very close friend and mentioned how I was feeling and struggling with feeling connected to my baby and he said "I sometimes wonder why you chose to have a baby" ...

Maybe I’m just being too sensitive but that comment really stung at a time when I’m already feeling quite low and I was quite shocked by it. It made me feel like I’m a bad person for having these feelings.

If you've been offloading on him a lot, he's probably just had enough. I mean, there's only so much he can say/do/put up with.

I'm sure I've said similar in the past, possibly in different situations.

The change in attitude has to come from you.

Maybe find a support group via your midwife or something.

Have you complained a lot to him?
I doubt you think you have done but really give it some thought

I’ve put yabu because I don’t think he meant it as anything against you but was probably talking about his own feelings. As a man he cannot sympathise at all with the feelings around a woman in pregnancy. He’s probably just thinking why would someone do that to themselves and why is she talking to me about this! Next time talk to someone who’s been through it.

I had a very anxious time in my first pregnancy. It came soon after my dbro died and a miscarriage and I was convinced my baby would die. Hypnosis helped with it a great deal and also helped to develop a connection with the baby. You’ll be able to download a course. I did ju ju sundin with my most recent baby which is a lot about managing pain in Labour but I’m sure you’ll be able to find something more about connecting with your baby and managing your thoughts which aren’t helpful or true and are coming straight from anxiety.

Maybe he was genuinely interested in the thought process you went through before deciding to have a baby? I agree he could have been more tactful, but as he's a very close friend I kind of think you should be able to ask very close friends anything (within reason!).

If all u have done is moan about being preganant to him and nothing else I can see why he would think that.
I also had a crap awful terrible pregnancy. And listening to me anyone would have said the same. I didn’t even have another one because of it. So I understand how u feel. I really do.

I think it is a way of dismissing your feelings and I can see why you've been left feeling that you have been criticised.

I think your worries are natural, after all you're doing a hugely important thing in bringing in a new human being into the world. It's an enormous responsibility and all credit to you for thinking deeply about that.

I think it's very normal to worry about how you will cope, will you be a good mum etc but the fact that you're worrying about it shows what a good mum you're going to be. A rubbish mum wouldn't think or worry about these things.

Chin up Cakeandsprinkles. Remember women have been bringing babies into the world for millions of years. It's what our bodies are designed to do. Trust your body and trust your self that you are already rising to the challenge of motherhood with flying colours and nevermind what anyone else has got to say.

You’re not being unreasonable to feel upset - at all.

But look at it from his point of view. Al he’s heard is someone who’s not happy about being pregnant and not looking forward to the baby.

Although that’s perfectly within the realms of normal, it is pretty unusual.

Maybe he’s just wondering - after 9 months of it - why you’ve put yourself through such a situation.

@MerchantOfVenom actually although I’ve struggled, it’s not true that all he’s heard is someone who’s unhappy... I’ve also shared lots of positive things including things I’m doing for my baby, their room etc

It's a way of telling you to stop banging on. Your pregnancy is only interesting to you and it sounds like you've been complaining a lot.

Sounds like he is fed up of hearing about your baby.
He was insensitive yes, maybe he has hinted before that you talk about it too much?

I think he was being insensitive and dickish. Why would you say that to a friend? I’m sorry it left you upset.

I think you are being insensitive to his feelings to be honest. People can only listen to so much complaining about an entirely voluntary life choice before it drains the life out of them.

It can be very difficult when people expect to ‘offload’ on to you all the time. What is he supposed to say to the fact you fee unable to connect with your baby unless he is a counsellor or health professional?

Apologise to your friend and either seek help if you feel it’s necessary or buy a diary to offload your feeling to.

If you’ve been sharing a lot of your anxieties with him during your pregnancy, and very little positivity or excitement, that’s the conclusion he’s come to. He’s being honest, being a close friend, so maybe you need to relax a little during this last month and start to enjoy your pregnancy. It’s a special time, and would be a bit sad for you to only have negative memories of your pregnancy. Can you do a bit of meditation and mind relaxing exercises going into this last month?

I think YABU as it seems, as others have said, you have been offloading to him and he has drawn that conclusion. Is there anything you are looking forward to?

I don't blame you for thinking this was insensitive but tone and intent is everything. Perhaps he didn't mean it like it sounded?

When I was pg with my first, a very good friend told me he 'didn't think I was very maternal' which objectively isn't a very rude thing to say, he never saw me pg or with any children, but to say to a pregnant woman is pretty silly imo.

Anyway, get ready for a wild ride if this really upset you, because as soon as the baby is out you'll hear a hundred other comments that will floor you. Often from men and women who might not have gone through it. But even other mums say ridiculous unhelpful things!)

It's perfectly normal to feel like this BTW, pregnancy is such a physical and emotional upheaval. Any other mum will be able to sympathise.

Good luck.

Just to pick up on one part of your OP - it isn’t unusual to not feel particularly ‘connected’ to your baby before you meet them in person. Birth is an unknown when you’ve never done it before, so it’s natural to worry and focus on that. You aren’t going to necessarily feel a huge rush of joy when you see the baby’s face, either, and that doesn’t mean anything about the mind of mother you will be. Be kind to yourself, OP.

What did you reply to the question? I agree he’s probably had enough of you complaining. Are there other people you can talk to? Do you have a partner? While pregnancy has taken over your life it’s not necessarily that fascinating to anyone else, especially not the bad bits.

You’ll deal with birth and a newborn as we all did, you just get on with it. Maybe he’s worried that once the baby’s here you’ll keep moaning about how hard it all is and he’ll never hear the end of it. If he doesn’t have or want his own he’s probably understandably confused by why you’d do it. No one said pregnancy was easy, nor having a newborn. Thankfully the majority feel it’s worth it but it is a choice to put yourself through it.

Have you been using him as an emotional springboard? Because it’s not fair to just dump all your emotions and feelings repeatedly onto one person, and would explain his reaction.

No I don’t think it was insensitive. If you have been complaining a lot, he probably genuinely doesn’t understand why you are having a baby. A close friend should be able to be candid with you.

You have possibly chosen the wrong person to offload to as well. He can have no idea what pregnancy is like. I am female but I would be surprise if anybody started to offload their pregnancy feelings to me as I have never been pregnant and it is not something I would have a good insight too.