I know I'm being unreasonable but

[Onwardsandup]

I refuse to share the shit thats in my head with my partner or anyone else because they just don't understand and I've no one left that cares anyway. I've no idea where to start even trying to explain it here, without sounding as pathetic as I feel.
I've been with my partner about a year and I really do love hin to pieces and there's nothing that I won't do for him. I'm aware that I probably am the needy one that loves the most, does the pick me dance far more than I should and really does feel that when he realises I'm not as good as he first thought that he'll probably leave me anyway, this is also probably part of the aforementioned shit in my head at 2am on a Sunday morning. I could be snuggled up with the man I love instead I've worked myself up into a state I feel sick, look like a frog and still the bloody tears won't stop.
I've been signed of work with stress, the doctor says because of the covid situation I have mentally exhausted myself and yet I can't help wondering if I'm just being a melodramatic snowflake. Admittedly just the thought of going back to work makes me start to cry and feel tightness in my chest (I joined the NHS around the same time as the pandemic hit, the only real training that I had was on the job and although I coped with it at the time, loved the job and was really good at it, I can't cope at the moment and I'm not managing life very well.) i spend so much of my day wasting time playing on my phone and achieving nothing. I have no real friends that I can share all this with and I'm scared that my partner will get fed up with seeing me bawling all the time and decide he's had enough of dating a wet soggy mess and leave me, so i can't/won't really share the crap with him either. I guess I just feel a bit lost, sorry for rambling and yes maybe I should just pull myself together and get my arse back to work but it doesn't seem to be that easy. AIBU... I'd probably vote yes but I needed somewhere to leave this shit so I can try and get some sleep. Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time atm. I wouldn't know what to advise I'm afraid but please be kind to yourself, you're not pathetic and probably don't need your arse kicking back to work. I would say that if your GP is signing you off work then take all the time off you can and don't rush back. Would it be worth trying some counselling? Take care and I hope that you get some sleep and start to feel better very soon

I don't think you are alone in struggling at the moment, a good many people are. Be kind to yourself, it is not a sign of weakness to need to let it all out from time to time.

I voted YABU because you are putting yourself down. He's with you because he loves you. I'm the more needy one in my marriage & that's okay. It just means I give more affection but its never rejected.

I'm sorry about the stress you are going through. Please be kinder to yourself. ❤

I'm with the PP, OP. You are massively putting yourself down and not seeing any of the value that your partner sees in you. He obviously takes you as he finds you, and that is his choice to make. You do not have to feel like you are not good enough for him.

FWIW I had a relapse of depression in the first year that my DH and I were together, and a major one just months after we got married. I always felt like I wasn't good enough for him and that he deserved better, and it took a lot of love from him (and therapy from a psychologist) to stop thinking that way.

Getting signed off with stress was a good start, but it won't actually be enough to fix this. You need to speak to your GP to arrange therapy or medication or both, as it sounds like you're dealing with depression or anxiety or both.

Think about it like this - resting a brojwn leg won't help if you don't set the bone first. It just heals wonky.

*broken leg

I’m so sorry you feel like this. I have had times too where I have utterly hopeless. If I’m honest the first thing you need to do is accept that you are stressed/depressed/anxious - whatever you may be. Don’t be ashamed of that, you haven’t chosen to feel that way. Accept it and start to allow those feelings to happen.

I think you need to have some counselling to help manage your feelings better. Speak with your GP to be referred or find out how you refer yourself from them. I was terribly depressed once upon a time and counselling was the only thing that helped; and it did help.

Lastly, look after yourself. Make a plan for each day of the week to do something which will help lift your mood. Even if it is just to get dressed, you will feel better. A bath; face mask; bar of chocolate; a walk - anything, big or small.

Try to relax around your boyfriend, he can be your safe place where your worries disappear and you just enjoy the moment with him. Forget work and the world, just be with him.

Oh and don’t stress about going back to work. You go back when you are fit and ready. Do not stress about going back, take the time you have been given bu the doctor to focus on yourself only. Work can wait.