To have lost confidence in my therapist?

[LancesGold]

Background: DH left myself and our two young children at the end of last year. No current contact with DC due to safeguarding issues.

I decided to find a therapist as I’m finding myself becoming increasingly angry about my situation and just wanted some support. We have had three sessions so far.

After our last session however I feel that I have lost confidence regarding how closely I’m actually been listened too. In our last meeting it was clear that my therapist had not remembered a few bits of (to my mind) important information. They remarked that they thought I did not know where my DH is living! I told them in the first session exactly where he is living. When I told them I did know where he lived, they asked me if I was sure In addition to this they also appeared to have misremembered a crucial bit of info regarding my DH’s past behaviour.

It’s really made me question whether or not to continue. AIBU?

They also tend to go off on a tangent giving examples from their own life etc. I understand some disclosure can be helpful but it just feels a bit too much iyswim?

On the other hand they do seem a genuinely lovely person and I get on well with them. It just feels a bit too much like taking to a friend!

Doesn’t sound good.

How did you find them? Are they members of bacp or ukcp?

Do they keep notes? What pre counselling information did you get? I would suggest talking through your feelings of not being paid attention to and question the personal boundaries. Some of it may be part of the interpersonal dynamics that you get drawn into but a decent therapist should be able to work within the relationship and look at what is happening between you and map it out.

If absolutely nothing else you should feel your therapist listens to you closely.

Yes they’re a bacp member and also a supervisor. They’ve been practicing for years and have a lot of experience.

They don’t take notes unless client asks. I was told this at the start of the sessions. I didn’t really get much of an introduction. Just straight into it.

As I say they’re a really nice person but I don’t just want someone to be nice and tell me I’m doing a wonderful job. I need to work through the feelings of anger and loss that I’m currently experiencing.

@Jellycatspyjamas I’m starting to think perhaps I didn’t explain as clearly as I should have? To be fair to the therapist it is a really confusing story I’ve had to tell her with lots of detail.

op i had a therapist

they did sometimes forget but they also listened and tried

i saw it as i am client number 6 of the day and they have had to listen to five other peoples stories before me most of which are confusing and dysfunctional full of people, names and things that are alien to them

i found we had to meet each other halfway, when I learned to talk feelings instead of storytelling who said and did what when in what order etc. they were able to help me much better.

It meant doing a lot of emoitional work myself. When I turned up I thought it would be like hiring a plumber they would just fix me if i paid.

I hear what you’re saying @plymouth435 and I agree to a certain extent.
My worry is that the main fact the therapist got wrong was a huge one in regards to safeguarding issues (sorry for being vague but it would be very outing to describe in detail) Basically the thing she got wrong is a fact that would probably influence her whole thought process regarding my DH and my interaction with him.

I don’t know whether to not go back or whether to go back and bring it up with her?

It really should not matter or be of any concern to OP if the therapist had seen other people prior to her appointment. They are supposed to provide a specific service. To put it bluntly, no one would think it was ok if you were to see a professional and they gave you a half-arsed service, say a really shitty hair cut because they had already seen several clients prior. If you cannot provide or handle it, then schedule fewer clients! I think those are major issues and I would find someone else.

Those aren’t minor details to forget or get confused about. The problem with seeing her again is that you’ll be paying her which, if the issue can’t be resolved, is costly. While therapists might see a lot of people, they should have strategies for remembering what you’ve said - you may not need her to take notes for you but it sounds like she needs to take notes for her benefit.

Confusion around safeguarding is important, in your shoes I’d probably discuss it with her but with an eye to finding someone else if need be.

I've done a good bit of therapy and it is very important to find the right one. I would keep looking if I was you.

It shouldn't feel like a chat with a friend. You shouldn't be paying money to politely listen to their anecdotes. Whether he's nice is neither here nor there, you're paying for a listening service.

Listen to your gut feeling OP. It’s so important that you have faith in your therapist.

They also tend to go off on a tangent giving examples from their own life etc. I understand some disclosure can be helpful but it just feels a bit too much iyswim

This doesn't seem appropriate to me? I mean it depends. The only personal thing that my therapist has ever told me is that she is a parent, and that was because I was talking about a feeling that I had as a parent and wasn't sure if she knew what I meant.

She's never given me examples of specific situations that have happened to her in her life and I would find that quite unhelpful and intrusive.

Find another therapist.
They don't sound like they are terribly professional.
It sometimes takes a while to realise your therapist isn't doing a great job of getting you 'unstuck' as it's so nice just to sit and talk about your problems with no judgement.
Actually I believe they should be doing more than that, IMO they should be helping you identify the triggers/issues which are the reasons you are in therapy.
If you have lost faith, it's time to move on.

100% find another therapist. You need to feel comfortable and trust them, if you felt like that with this person even with all of the above and it works for you, great. But it doesn’t so in the end it’s a waste of time and money. Find someone who you click with.

Three sessions is more than enough to work out if you and the therapist can work together. If the therapist is forgetting important details and you do not feel heard (the most important thing) then I would suggest trying another one.

That bits weird: “When I told them I did know where he lived, they asked me if I was sure”. That to me would suggest a new therapist.

I wouldn’t worry about them forgetting details. They may be important to you but the therapist isn’t there to coach you through a specific situation, they are not a social worker or solicitor who need all the facts of a case. They are there to help you identify emotions, why you are feeling them (eg links to past experiences) and how to better manage them.

Mentioning their own life is a little odd, but if it’s relevant and helpful it may not be a problem.

Ultimately there is no point continuing if you aren’t getting much out of it. Perhaps she’s just not a good fit for you and that’s ok.

I'd definitely change to a different therapist. You need to be able to trust that they are listening and understanding you.

That's not what should be hapoening.My therapist had a part time role as head of something in local MH,multiple clients & still remembered the salient,relevant stuff in my life.I left a counselling course because the tutor, who was still also practicing, violated confidentiality of their clients to the students,giving extensive personal info on their jobs,family & issues they were seeing them for & I also felt they stereotyped & had favourite students. They'd also bitch about students if they hadn't yet arrived ( some of us were always early , some of us were bang on time). There are good & bad in every profession. I'd look for another Counsellor.

They also tend to go off on a tangent giving examples from their own life etc

That sounds really unprofessional.

Surely you're paying her to remember the finer details though?

Fair point she sees other clients - but if she's too distracted /knackered to see that many people, maybe she should reduce her workload? It's really not your problem - you're paying for a service

Is a therapist someone you can just say everything you're thinking to?

My therapist has never forgotten key details of what I have told her, either, although she doesn't write notes during our sessions.

Go with your gut OP.

You seem to have lost confidence in your therapist.

Confidence in them is huge.