DDs father wanting to see his daughter

[PinkyX]

So I found out i was pregnant with DD, ex told me to "get rid of it" as we had plans to travel abroad, I have always been anti abortion (I have family members and friends that have had them and thats their decision and would hold no hate towards them but for me personally I would never have one) so I had told him I will not be having the abortion, he ended up going abroad and I stayed and continued the pregnancy alone which was absolutely fine. He then come back to the UK and i bumped into him in town and i tried to speak to him and he shrugged me off and said "it aint my brat" and continued this until after she was born,I had seen him again after she was born and he looked at her in the pram and denied that she was his child again by this point I was enraged. I phoned CSA and asked for a DNA to prove to him so they did, it took a while as he kept not turning up to his appointment to get the swab done, he finally did and of course the test come back that he is her father (what a surprise ) anywhoo I had a message on Instagram to say he wanted to see her, I asked to meet halfway in town as I didnt drive and there was a storm and I didnt fancy 2 bus trips and alot of walking to get to his house with a small baby who had a few health problems as she was prem, he refused and said if I didnt come to his then not to bother at all so I did. He met her and didnt say much, he held her for a minute then handed her to me (she was 6 months old at this point). He then didnt want to see her again but would randomly decide to pop into her life call himself daddy, confuse her and leave for months or a year again. My daughter is now 4 years old, he has come back again wanting contact i said that I want him to attend mediation with me first, have a set time and a set day that he sticks to every week, and for it to be in a place she is familiar with and with a person present that she is familiar with until DD is comfortable around him as to her it would be like giving her over to a stranger, He has told me no, he works 6 days so cant accommodate to me (although he only has to pay £6 a week maintenance, not sure how that's worked out if that's the case lol but he's never even paid the £6 anyway!)he informed me that he will be taking his daughter to his mothers (who my DD also doesn't know) and will not have anyone fimiliar there as he doesn't need supervising and he didnt attend mediation. Am I being unreasonable asking for this? I dont want to take her right to have her father around away from her but I also don't want to enable him to treat her this way anymore when it will emotionally hurt her, she doesn't need this. In a perfect world he would be consistant and would have had this all sorted a long time ago. His reasons for coming back this time is because of Covid and his new girlfriend means he isn't going abroad, not because of wanting to know his daughter. And just little things when I explained my reasonings for not wanting him to take her off till they both know each other, i asked him did he know what she is allergic to? Of course he didn't. Another thing that has played on my mind is that he said to me "he won't pay me maintenance incase i spend it on myself" and also made some strange comment on how he doesnt get a say in what she wears, i just said he is welcome to buy her some clothes for her to pick out, she wears whats appropriate for weather but other than that i let her pick if she wants to wear her unicorns or whatever colour she would like that day, just found it very controlling the way he come out with it.. His mum thinks I'm being unreasonable, my mum thinks I'm doing the right thing but I guess I just need an outsiders perspective on this as I feel so guilty, I just want whats best for my daughter. Sorry for the rambling also lol, its been a long 4/5 years!

I tried with his mum whilst he was abroad, she never showed up, once was because she was to tired and another time was because she was running late home from work and needed to cook dinner for her other 17 year old son so wouldn't be able to make it until 7 which is DDs bedtime. Another time I offered she said she can't because she was having family time. I had a fb message from her it was my daughters 2nd Xmas and they hadn't seen her for a very long time and she asked to have her over night xmas eve? I completely ignored that message. They are as bad as each other

BrightSunshineDay has it. He’s a knob.

One challenge...in a nice way as not criticising your decision to continue with pregnancy.
He made it very clear from the start that he did not want this child. When you pushed for DNA proof, I assume knowing any child Maintenence payments would be small and very reluctantly paid, what were you really hoping to achieve?
Are you trying to get him to take some responsibility for parenting. In which case you will need to allow him to parent on his own terms.
Were you envisaging he would develop a father daughter relationship to benefit your daughter- in which case the above applies to
We’re you trying to increase his payments- again difficult to justify if you are making conditions to access and he didn’t want the responsibility of having a child?

I read your post as It seems you pushed him into contact and now don’t like his response.
I don’t like his response either- imho he is not worth trying to force a relationship with your daughter for and you need to let it go, but that’s just my opinion

I think you just need to have a good long critical think about exactly what you want and what is actually a realistic outcome for maintaining any contact

@Scrouge

One challenge...in a nice way as not criticising your decision to continue with pregnancy. He made it very clear from the start that he did not want this child. When you pushed for DNA proof, I assume knowing any child Maintenence payments would be small and very reluctantly paid, what were you really hoping to achieve? Are you trying to get him to take some responsibility for parenting. In which case you will need to allow him to parent on his own terms. Were you envisaging he would develop a father daughter relationship to benefit your daughter- in which case the above applies to We’re you trying to increase his payments- again difficult to justify if you are making conditions to access and he didn’t want the responsibility of having a child?

I read your post as It seems you pushed him into contact and now don’t like his response.
I don’t like his response either- imho he is not worth trying to force a relationship with your daughter for and you need to let it go, but that’s just my opinion

I think you just need to have a good long critical think about exactly what you want and what is actually a realistic outcome for maintaining any contact

I expect she was hoping he would financially support the child he helped to create?! So what if he didn't want the baby? He made her just as much as OP did.

OP ... your daughter is fine.. stop facilitating people who treat your daughter so badly .. honestly your daughter shouldn't be forced to see these people because you feel guilty... hells hells lady.. think smart ... Stop engaging 🌺

@Scrouge I would like for him to either have contact and it be regular or have 0 contact. He turns up around Xmas or bdays usually. Personally its easier for me if he isn't involved because I hate his fucking guts BUT it isn't about what I want its about my daughter and ive always struggled to know what the right thing to do is when he shows up expecting contact when he hasnt seen her for 6 months + again and demands that he sees her at a place shes unfamiliar with and people who are strangers to her, his way or no way basically and throws his toys out the pram and buggers off again after suggesting a plan that is best suited to DD needs. As for the maintenance I would like for him to help pay towards things so I can afford more things for her, i cover all necessities but i would like to be able to put her in for football club and swimming things like that and not have to juggle my bills to do so

You have nothing to feel guilty about. Some people will tell you “Any parent is better than no parent.” They’re talking rubbish. Kids don’t need people like that, they need routine and consistency.

Get a reassessment from the CSA, if you don’t need the money put it in a savings account for your daughter for when she’s older. It’s not up to him what you spend it on!

And make him take you to court and go through a contact centre. I guarantee he won’t bother and you’ll have it all on paper for when she’s older if she ever asks about him.

YANBU OP. Not at all. Don't let him bully you in to anything you are not confident with.

Dont let him near her, tell him to let the courts decide. He's just causing mental damage to your DD and you're the one who needs to protect her from that as her mother

Im also worried about when she starts to ask me about her dad.. i want to be honest with her from the start but i have no idea how to explain this for her to understand and to not feel unwanted. Any advice on how to go about it i would greatly appreciate and also the age to expect this to happen? x

Keep it truthful and age appropriate.

He doesn't know how to be a good father. That's a pity, but it's not your fault and you have me and x/y/z to love and look after you.

If she asks why he cant be a good father, or when she can see him, tell her you dont know. Dont sugar coat it. Tell her she can ask him when she's an adult.