Abrupt MIL

[Burnthurst187]

I've been with my DP for twelve years, married approaching ten years. MIL and FIL are lovely, they have always made me feel like part of the family but for many, many years now I've had to bite my tongue around the MIL. She is very abrupt and to the point.

I'm finding it harder to deal with as time goes by. I've managed to not say anything back so far but it's getting to the stage now that I either think I'll have to mention it or adopt her own ways.

On Friday FIL and I were scolded for having a conversation and not talking to DD (19 mths). FIL was quick to fire back and said but DGD doesn't talk yet. I as usual was taken by surprise and felt like a child who had done something wrong

MIL recently bought a second hand sit on trike for my DD, she gets her feet stuck so I had a look to see if there was somewhere for her to put her feet and got told "what do you expect, it was only £10".

I'm not sure what to do going forwards. I go through stages of keeping conversation very brief as I always feel no matter what I say or do it's either wrong or I get pulled up on it

The strange thing is, her own mother is ultra abrupt with her and has said some extremely nasty and rude things to her but she never says anything back. It's just everybody else bar her mother that she'll talk to like this

Do you think I should start being straight to the point with her? DP sees it but won't say anything. Just getting a bit fed up with it now

I see no real issue unless you’ve left loads out? Just roll your eyes and move on. Or ignore her- are you prone to over sensitivity?

If those are typical examples of her abruptness you can just reply in kind, don't think it will even register with her.
you really need to meet my MIL, yours sounds like an absolute pussy cat.

She's acting the same way she has been treated.

My own mother is the same and I just think it comes from a lack of education and social skills. Next time I wouldn't tell her for example the trike was 10 pound. I tell mine very little. Google grey rock.

Treat her how she treats you.
If she doesn’t like it tough shit.

Those two examples dont seem too bad. I'd had had no trouble saying "I've been talking to dd for hours, she never shuts up, just finished talking about quantum physics" with an eye roll and "well for it not to trap her legs obviously". It wouldn't even be a thing to think twice about in our family.

Are you typically a bit soft and sensitive to others being "abrupt"?

Next time she is abrupt tell her she sounds like her Mum. You don’t have to say it in a nasty way, just as an observation. She won’t like it but it might make her stop and think.

Well, I suppose tone is everything, but I really can't see the examples you've given as being particularly abrupt or unpleasant, and I speak as someone who is very careful not to offend my children or their partners by tactless words.

Sounds like you're looking for things to take offence at, particularly given that you say she's generally lovely and has made you feel like part of the family.

You should have someone like my exh's mother. First time I met her she told me 'you're not going to marry my John (not his real name) you'll ruin his life'.

She had absolutely nothing to base this opinion on, but I can tell you, it most definitely didn't make me feel 'like one of the family'.

You could buy her one of those cushions my DH bought my ds one once didn't go down well

Mirror mirror on the wall
I am my mother after all

My in laws pretend I'm not there. Literally. Never asked me a question or showed any interest! It got so awkward I don't bother visiting. DH is welcome to go alone but he doesn't want to without me, so they don't see him now. Odd.

I'd welcome abrupt over being ignored any day!

But like PP say, the examples sound fine and normal really, are there other things?

Well.... I guess tone and context is everything. I don’t like being spoken to abruptly at all and I’m a bit sensitive. So I just let it go.

We went round for Sunday lunch a few weeks ago and I was told to "eat up" as DP, FIL and herself had finished. Things like that really. I just wouldn't dream of speaking to somebody, anybody like that myself. I find it very rude

I struggle with being assertive which is why I haven't said anything before plus her comments usually come when least expected. Maybe the way her mother treats and has treated her has left her thinking comments like this are okay

People asked about her tone, it's always very belittling. DP has been made to feel like a bad parent recently because we allow DD to watch some TV, things like Hey Duggee or Peter Rabbit. She has no issues with airing her opinions on everything and everybody just accepts it but it's beginning to make me want to spend less time around her

I'm pretty sensitive, but I'm struggling to find anything particularly bad in those examples. I think they're all pretty easy to respond to without things needing to get tetchy at all.

Just respond confidently and continue to get on with what you're doing.

I have a much loved relative who is far worse than that, but we ask either roll our eyes or respond to her calmly and cheerfully, because she is what she is, and there's no malice in her.

'Eat up' isn't rude either. You can have different personalities as people, you don't have to be offended by everything. What are you trying to achieve here, other than causing an issue?

@Burnthurst187

Dp was made to feel like a bad parent, why are you making MiL responsible for your husbands feelings? I think you and your husband are too sensitive.

We went round for Sunday lunch a few weeks ago and I was told to "eat up" as DP, FIL and herself had finished. Things like that really.

Seriously? You're offended by that and think you have a real problem with her?

Sorry, but you are really over sensitive and over reacting. And I say that as a person who can easily stew over feeling that someone's annoyed with me.

She is her mother and it seems like she takes it out on everyone else. And by everyone allowing her to do this, she obviously won't change.
It will be very difficult to avoid her or watch yourself around her, and even then she will find something new to be rude about. The only solution is to speak to her and point out what she is doing.

“Eat up” really isn’t bad. I think you need to get a grip.

In the kindest way, I think you need to be more resilient, and also appreciate the fact that she’s treating you as one of the family. There’s nothing inherently rude or abrupt in what you’ve described. What I take from all of it is a woman who feels comfortable enough around her daughter in law that she feels able to speak to her as she would one of her own family, with all the familiarity that that entails.

“Eat up!” is indeed something I would equally say to my mother, father, siblings, husband, child, BIL, MIL, FIL, nieces, and nephews knowing they’d receive it in the spirit it was said if we’d all finished and one was lingering because there had been some chatter going on, for example.

Clearly tone and body language is key, but I suspect that there’s nothing sinister here. Unless there’s a big drip feed on the way.

I think perhaps you are a bit over-sensitive - although a lot depends on the tone of voice MIL uses of course.

She does sound a little overbearing but perhaps some of the problem lies in the fact that you just aren't assertive with her. I would try and spend less time there as well. However, don't present this as cutting things down - just make sure you've arranged some nice family time for you and DH and DD. It decreases the problem and you feel more in control and less at her whim.

@Burnthurst187
I don't know why you're getting such a hard time about this. You obviously are the one who is there and you know when someone is being rude to you, speaking in a certain way and being snippy. It's not always what is said specifically but how and only you know, not the people responding here.

My own MIL is like this. She's very rude when she speaks to certain people. She talks to me like I've annoyed her or I am an idiot. I don't tend to let it bother me after nearly 20 years now.

She kicks off in shops almost always when she's wrong too. I don't want to use the word Karen, but she is the type that stupid name was used for.
For example, if she won £800 on Hotpicks? Every single shopworker in the town will be berated and accused of fraud for not being able to pay out when she is told repeatedly by everyone including DH and I that she needs to go to a specified post office to claim. She's rude and dismissive to all workers for many, many silly reasons. It's cringeworthy.

@Burnthurst187 if it really does bother you, you need to say something. Pull her up on it.

"I'm a XX year old woman, please don't speak to me like a child. It's rude!"

Or maybe an MN favourite? "Did you mean to be so rude?"

And of course letting her know she sounds just like her mother would give her a hell of a verbal shock.
DH told MIL the same. She always moaned about how nasty her mum spoke to her (but never MIL's 4 brothers) and I agree, she was rude as fuck, but MIL is JUST like her now. She says the same stuff, acts the same way and yes, favours one child over the other hugely. And one day DH said it. Told her she needs to be careful as she was turning into gran.

Think its how its said. My mam can be rude. I said lately best not to comment on people. Too much time on their hands.. I guess limit your time in her company. My mother law is a dream!!

Telling another adult to "eat up"
Cringe, so demeaning, its how you would speak to a 2 year old.
Ignore all the "get a grippers"
If you feel demeaned then thats how you feel.
Being told your feelings arent valid is how people get away with this shit and its usually aimed at women.
I doubt she will change but you can try to avoid giving her any info other than what she needs to know and challenge her -letting her know she sounds like her mother is a good idea.

Being told your feelings arent valid is how people get away with this shit and its usually aimed at women.

I fully agree. Next it will be #BeKind, no matter whether or not the person they think is entitled to kindness is being kind to you. 'Niceness' is a trait usually expected of women most of all; what people tend to forget is that 'nice' is reciprocal.

I'm trying to imagine telling a fellow grown adult to 'eat up'. It would never even enter my head to do this. It's patronising, far too directive, and therefore belittling. And people who behave like this go unchallenged because they are aware of others' reluctance to rock the boat.

What's the worst that could happen if you did?

It does sound like she is being rude. Also it’s irrelevant if other people don’t think what she’s said is wrong, if you don’t like it that’s fine, but you need to tell her that you don’t like it. If no one else has pulled her up on it she may not even realise that’s it could be taken that way.

Unfortunately you’re asking this on MN where there seems to be a competition on who has the worst MIL.