Annoyed with DH and I know it’s not really proportionate. How do I stop it ruining the evening?

[GordonsAliveAndEatsPies]

I have posted before about my in-laws. I don’t want to go through it all again as I am sure it’s massively boring but there is a lot of entitlement, poor little me, it’s not fair, people should share kind of sentiments.

In the last three says I have had three members of his extended family telling me how poor they are or struggling to pay this or that culminating in MIL saying how she is poorer by all members of her family bar one (who really is on his uppers) which is categorically not true. Not even close!

So, I engage with them because my DH doesn’t so much and I feel one of us should but then occasionally I get these pot shots from DH that I am generally very nice to his family - except the times I don’t ‘let them in the house’. This was a reference to the fact that I didn’t want to give his mum a free ticket at Christmas because a) I want my parents here for Christmas first (not least because it’s down to them that we are in the very comfortable position we are in) b) they do actually spend time with DC and c) when his side come over they tend to eat us out of house and home, rummage through drawers and leave when they have had their fill.

DH does see (and he really does as he has made comments to them when they are behaving unreasonably) why I get annoyed, but it’s like he get then dragged into this ‘they don’t have as much’, ‘they are this way because of that’ or whatever.

I will admit I have limited sympathy. They are not poor. They just expect others to help them out (and it’s always in the sympathy grabbing way so it’s always theoretically your decision). I don’t come from this kind of background - in my family you stand on your own two feet, ask for guidance but take responsibility for yourself.

Anyway, I know his comment was just an aside, and he knows he annoyed me and is doing all the things he does when trying to make up for it, but I do feel irrationally annoyed. I do very well by his side, I just don’t go in for pity parties because unless someone does want actual help (which I don’t want to give) I find them pointless. However, as I say I know my reaction is not disproportionate (not helped by pregnancy hormones). Aibu to ask how i can stop the evening being spoiled by being what is probably now unnecessarily grumpy?

Sorry my reaction is not proportionate. Oops

Tell him you are sorry for your reaction but not the sentiment. Ask if you can have a hug and move on.

Why are you engaging with them and not your DH? Stop that. If they message you, call you text just give them Dh's phone number

Yes, why don't you leave all the interactions to him in future?

It is tough when families with different priorities marry.
Just let him deal with his family. I wouldn't judge them with such harshness to his face at least.
I wouldn't like my partner pointing out my family flaws and likewise even if they're greedy or over step your boundaries.

Not spoil the evening?

It's almost 10pm just go to bed with a good book & leave him to it!

it’s down to them that we are in the very comfortable position we are in

in my family you stand on your own two feet

Which is it?

@mercutio12 I see how that seems contradictory. I was given a start that allowed me to make decisions that weren’t forced by circumstance. If having been given that, I just sat on my arse it would have gone down very, very badly.

How in your family do you stand on your own two feet but you’re only financially comfortable because of your mum?

Because you can be given a start and expected to build on it. I shouldn’t have said ‘only’, that is not fair on either what my husband or I have done ourselves. I blame the irrational reaction - everything seemed very black and white. My DC will be given a start - if they expect to constantly get bailed out because of a shitty, moochy attitude I will be most unhappy.

I say, fuck it, be grumpy.

You have every right to feel how you want to feel.

In the morning, maybe you can tell DH to deal with his own blood sucking leeches family in future, instead of leaving you to do it.

Your DH doesn't engage with them much. Why not? They are his family after all.

Does he chase around after your family, catching up with them without you? Thofught not.

If you were to stop doing the wife work of catching up with people your DH can't be bothered with, and who frankly sound very annoying, you would have a lot more pleasant evenings.

You don't have to have a major drama about it, or go NC. Just gradually start leaving finding out how they are, or arranging to see them up to him. Don't ask him how they are or bring them up in conversation. They will slowly disappear and take up much much less of your time, so you have much more time for nice things.

OP,

You need to step back from his family.

He is very passive aggressive in his little digs at you.

This would piss me off.
Why shouldn't you be annoyed.

His family sound awful.
Step away.
Less contact.
Less annoyance.

Stop entertaining their poor mouthing.

When they call, hand them over to him.

Thanks everyone. I have made the decision to just let him deal with them. The only thing is, as I say, he can get dragged into this ‘poor little me’ emotional blackmail thing they do which doesn’t even touch me so I guess that’s one reason why I do deal with them: no unexpected surprises. However, it is all terribly draining.

It has possibly stepped up a gear because we are funding something a little unusual, could be seen as indulgent and is expensive that I mentioned to his mum (wasn’t boastful - was just telling her something was being dealt with a different way) and no doubt she has told other family. But that’s our choice and he hasn’t had any help from his family since we got together (or before) so I don’t see why because he benefits, they can grab onto the coat tails as well.

Stay out of it and keep your business private.

Share NONE of your finances with them.

Let him deal with them.

Start also dealing with his passive aggressive digs at you.

You sound a bit of a doormat OP.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like one.

Have your parents paid for the house OP? If it protected?

So, I engage with them because my DH doesn’t so much and I feel one of us should that one of you should be him. This is annoying wife work that you've brought upon yourself.

You don't like them much. So just keep a polite distance. I never arrange to see my in-laws. I live very, very close to them but unless my husband organises to see them I simply don't. I'm very nice to them when I see them and they are the same to me, so it can be done! You're too involved with people who aren't really your concern, well they don't need to be as much as you're allowing. Keep your finances private too. If they bring up money don't engage, change the subject or leave the room to make a cup of tea/go to the bathroom. This nonsense only happens if you let it.

Yes the house is protected legally. Certain other things ringfenced as well tho not what we have built together.

@billy1966 I don’t generally - there are just a few things that are a bit of a marked difference that can’t be helped really. This specific discussion was about getting months of paid help post baby as MIL was making noises that she would come and stay with us ‘to help’ (read: sit on her arse, have months of free living and claim that she put herself out so we should be ever grateful) which i was just not having.

God they sound awful.

You married into some shower.

You need to give that head of yours a good wobble before the baby arrives.

Put as many boundaries and distance between you and them as is possible.

They sound like the dregs, why would you be encouraging them.

Back away firmly and take no nonsense from your husband.

Let him engage only and as @Onxob writes only see them when necessary.

You are behaving in a needy manner as if they are to be fixed.

Step away from the fire👍🤣

Oh, so you've committed money towards a plan that keeps her the heck away from you post birth (I am guessing a nanny) and she now wants that money and a nice vacation on your sofa/in your fridge while sucking the life out of you.

My leech comment was about right then.

Sorry to come back to an old thread but MIL is now staying with SIL ahead of the impending birth (they are in a bubble) but when we all went for a socially distanced walk earlier MIL came straight into my space and threw her arms round me with the words ‘I can give you a hug can’t I!’. She got most offended when I just said I rather wouldn’t (tho a bit late for the question or response really). This is even tho through my SIL’s pregnancy SIL has been unbelievably fastidious about this kind of thing, which MIL totally bought into. Shame the same rules don’t apply to my pregnancy tho for a number of reasons I am much more vulnerable. Good-o! Humph...

Not a week later and you are with them again.

When are you going to start helping yourself?

Step away from them all.

Let your husband deal with his ghastly family.

Honestly OP, what were you thinking marrying into such an awful family.

Your own family must be in the horrors!

Let your husband deal with them and detach.

Do you not realise that if you continue excessive involvement with them, when the baby arrives they will be in your home, face and business endlessly.

Stop going on bloody walks and just avoid them as much as possible.

If you don't take this in hand you are in for so much stress, grief, and interference when the baby arrives, which you will have completely brought upon yourself.

Yeah just bin them off. DH can visit them if he wants. Do it now before baby arrives and you're too vulnerable to say no

In fairness to me the previous engagements were on the phone which I have now entirely passed to DH. As she was staying near (and hadn’t for a while obviously) it didn’t seem right not to see her or SIL before the imminent arrival but I think I am adequately armed to just opt out now.

You are fully aware what his family are like.

You can't change them, you can only control yourself and your level of involvement.

If you don't firm up your boundaries, you can expect to have them stuck in your business, offering unasked for advice and making pronouncements.

Your husband is well capable of passive aggressive digs at you.

Make sure you have plenty of support around you from friends and family when the baby arrives.

New mums are very vulnerable and MN is littered with horror stories of in laws imposing on new mothers while their husband stand by.