Does it seem like they aren't that interested anymore ?

[Kiara1237]

Two friends from school, they just don't seem to stay in contact at all. I know seeing each other is more difficult atm, but nothing is stopping messaging etc.
They are going out for meals and runs etc. Posting things on Instagram.
I know people will say 'you never know what people are going through', but still, if people care they will get in touch I think.

One didn't reply to my last message in July, and I haven't heard from her since.

The other, about a month ago I wrote "We will have to meet up soon." no reply, and nothing since.

They both like photos I put on social media and stuff, but by the sounds if it they aren't that interested in staying in touch/meeting up, are they ?

We could go for a walk socially distanced and they are going out with others so don't think it's Covid related, also they have no kids and don't work weekends, so time poor is an excuse.

We are all 30 btw.

“The other, about a month ago I wrote "We will have to meet up soon."”

Sorry if I am misunderstanding. But did you literally write just that, nothing else?

Another girl (friends with my bf actually and tried to make an effort with her).

I asked her to meet for a drink (tier 2 so can do outside) she said yeah sure, and that she could do after work in the week.

I messaged again to ask if X days/times were good. This was weeks ago and she has not even read my last message, yet replies to my boyfriend.

I haven't been anything but kind to these people and it just hurts, feels like i'm boring or something.

Something along those lines yeah, like we should meet up when you're next free, but still she could have replied saying, "yeah i'm free next week/weekend ' or something.

I think that the friendship has drifted. Thay doesn't mean that you have to completely cut contact. Just treat them as SM acquaintances.

“I haven't been anything but kind to these people and it just hurts, feels like i'm boring or something.”

Could be. Sorry to sound harsh but most people need more than kindness from their friends. What else are you bringing to the table? Are you funny? Do interesting things happen to you that you are good at telling others about? Do you have any magnetism, do you make people’s lives brighter by being in them?

I’m being brutally honest here, and not trying to be rude. But I see it so much on here - people bemoaning their loneliness despite their “niceness”, and I think it’s a pity, because that doesn’t really entitle you to a wide circle of friends. It takes a little more than that, I think.

@GhostCurry

“I haven't been anything but kind to these people and it just hurts, feels like i'm boring or something.”

Could be. Sorry to sound harsh but most people need more than kindness from their friends. What else are you bringing to the table? Are you funny? Do interesting things happen to you that you are good at telling others about? Do you have any magnetism, do you make people’s lives brighter by being in them?

I’m being brutally honest here, and not trying to be rude. But I see it so much on here - people bemoaning their loneliness despite their “niceness”, and I think it’s a pity, because that doesn’t really entitle you to a wide circle of friends. It takes a little more than that, I think.

This is v true and a Harsh truth I've learnt recently. I wish someone told me this years again

Thanks for the replies. Yeah I understand what you mean, I do think i'm funny and interesting too, but perhaps we're too different.
They have different lives to me, I know they are both on very high salaries and i'm on a lower on, and that shouldn't matter but maybe it's that. I can still afford to go out for some meals and drinks or whatever.

I have a lot of hobbies and i'm always trying to find ways to be exciting but maybe i'm just not.

It's the same at work, in my last job I seemed to be well-liked and got on with people, in my current one I can go an entire day without really speaking to anyone.

And by that I meant that I hadn't mistreated them or been rude or anything that might have put them off.
I guess they still think i'm nice, which is why they like my photos etc. But probably not interested in a closer friendship anymore.

I have a lot of hobbies and i'm always trying to find ways to be exciting but maybe i'm just not.

OP you shouldn’t be trying to be exciting! Do you think maybe you’re a bit intense?

Are they meeting up with each other or do they just have busy, separate lives?

Hahah I don't know, i'm either too boring or too intense. They aren't exactly absolutely fascinating either really.
They are meeting up with others, not tons but they are still going out sometimes. Not asking for weekly meet ups even, but given that they have no kids, i'm sure they can find 1 hour for a walk or something, or a Zoom.

Well you can be intense and boring.

Not saying you are! I was just wondering if you might be coming off a bit needy.

I have a friend like that. I honestly love her to bits but she starts a message thread and I chat to her cause she’s honestly nice but it’s the conversational equivalent of watching paint dry!

And then when we make one plan she tries to lock in about ten more. It’s kind of exhausting!

I’m sure others think that of me, too. It’s just different strokes for different folks.

They might just not be that bothered about seeing you.

It could be 'cause you're annoying / needy / boring or it could be nothing to do with you at all.

Through lockdown I've actually become closer with my neighbours and met some friends online and I'm not as bothered about seeing people, maybe because I've got used to not being able to see people, and there are only so many texts you can send with nothing to report.

It could be, but I think if they were close friends they wouldn't go months without messaging and not even suggest meeting up once. They aren't staying at home as I can see by social media they are out places.

Anyway it hurts, those 2 then my boyfriend's friend all in a short space of time, just feel lonely sometimes and I'm usually alone at work too (school)

I get it. I found this with some friends and I have honestly stopped making efforts with friends who don't make an effort to keep in touch with me too. They either don't care enough or are too wrapped up in their own life and either way i made an effort for a while and then I decided no more!

I have seen so many threads on MN this year about distant friends or not having enough friends, I even started one, but I honestly don't feel bad any more.

You need some new friends OP. I made some online friends through a Facebook group set up by another Mumsnetter and I have become a bit more self sufficient during lockdown.

I think part of it is knowing everyone else isn't out on holiday or having drinks and I don't feel like I'm in the minority sitting at home with DH!

@GhostCurry

“I haven't been anything but kind to these people and it just hurts, feels like i'm boring or something.”

Could be. Sorry to sound harsh but most people need more than kindness from their friends. What else are you bringing to the table? Are you funny? Do interesting things happen to you that you are good at telling others about? Do you have any magnetism, do you make people’s lives brighter by being in them?

I’m being brutally honest here, and not trying to be rude. But I see it so much on here - people bemoaning their loneliness despite their “niceness”, and I think it’s a pity, because that doesn’t really entitle you to a wide circle of friends. It takes a little more than that, I think.

Yes it’s true.

I don’t have anything to offer, so I embrace it

Hi OP, you sound like a thoughtful and kind person. I understand why you feel hurt but please don’t take it too personally. They may feel that you have all changed a lot since school and don’t have much in common. As others have said, they may just be wrapped up in their own lives and with friends that are in closer proximity and don’t feel the need to connect more with you. I think you should turn your attentions to developing different interests and potentially meet new people that way. And if either of these friends get in touch with you, you can still see them.

I know it’s tough but so many people find it hard to maintain friendships, so you aren’t alone in this. I’ve had a few friendships slide over the years because the things we had in common (such as work or school) were no longer enough to sustain the friendship.

Good luck and best wishes!

Don't take it personally OP. Some people just don't click as such, maybe they don't want to be "meet-up" friends. It doesn't mean you're not a good person and you shouldn't try to change yourself.

An old friend has got in touch with me recently, and tbh I haven't been enthusiastic about meeting up. I feel like I don't have enough time right now to spend with my DP and my best friends, I really can't stretch to a "new" person to socialise with right now. I just don't have the hours in a week or mental capacity for it.

Op have you actually made a plan to meet up with them? E.g. said "are you free to go for coffee this time etc?"

If you are kind, good listener, non judgemental and you have things to chat about then either they are being a bit rubbish or they're not the friends for you :)

You need new friends. They might not see you as a close friend or want to invest time in the friendship.

There is so much going on at the moment I really wouldn’t take it personally. As others have said, it might be mental capacity or time. Even if they really do think they don’t want to spend time with you, go find someone who does. Move on. Sorry you’re feeling this way. Seek out some feel good company, and it might be in unexpected places! 💐

“Not asking for weekly meet ups even, but given that they have no kids, i'm sure they can find 1 hour for a walk or something, or a Zoom.”

I’m sure they could, but the point is that for whatever reason, they don’t want to. They don’t actually owe you I’m afraid.

I know it can be tempting to feel aggrieved when people don’t want to hang out, but you need to adjust that mindset. And look for other, more like-minded people

Friendships from school often drift off. You’re very different people now. Your mindset and priorities change. I’d try and make new friends.

Hahah I don't know, i'm either too boring or too intense. They aren't exactly absolutely fascinating either really.

I think you do need new friends who appreciate you more and who you are more enthused about seeing. Finding like minded people through your hobbies might be a good place to start!