To think there is no excuse for this

[stickystick]

My 7 year old has not heard from his father in 2.5 months. No phone call, no text, no Zoom, no email, nothing in the post, no f2f meeting.

His father is not dead, has not been ill or in prison or a monastic community, has not left the UK, and has full access to the internet. I have not moved address or changed our contact details. His excuse, such as it is, is that he has a stressful full time job, three adult children to keep tabs on, and two homes to run.

I feel I can’t talk to anyone about this under my real name because it’s telling tales outside of school. I also am very much aware that many kids have it far worse: abusive dads, dads who they don’t see for years etc. But I still think it’s disgraceful and there’s no excuse for this. AIBU?

No, there’s no excuse for that. He’s a shit dad.

Sorry OP he's a pathetic dad. Feel really sorry for you and your 7yr old.

He's an arsehole. I really feel for you had your son. He must be so hurt.

If that's the way his dad is, just accept it. Don't try to force a relationship or shared care. It will be better in the long term for your son to have no dad than to have one that drops in and out when he feels like it. As long as he can rely on you then he has safety and security.

@GeorgiaGirl52

If that's the way his dad is, just accept it. Don't try to force a relationship or shared care. It will be better in the long term for your son to have no dad than to have one that drops in and out when he feels like it. As long as he can rely on you then he has safety and security.

I gave up on shared care a long time ago. Probably for the best.

However his dad does still want to drop in and out.

He does wants to see him very sporadically and usually at pretty short notice. And in between, there’s nothing. I don’t feel I can say no to him when he wants to see him, as I do not want to be the one who prevented my son having a relationship with his father.

Dropping in and out is not a relationship. It is confusion, especially for a seven-year-old.
My grandson's father is a drop-in Dad. He used to come by about three times a year (always on Father's Day, his birthday and Christmas to collect his gifts!) It took three years of counseling before my grandson made peace with his father's behaviour. My grandson is now sixteen and his father calls him about twice a year. He won't give us an address or phone number that we could use to reach him. He won't even tell him which state he is living in. Grandson thinks that his dad has remarried and doesn't want new family to know he has a son from a previous relationship.

My dad was rubbish. Always cancelling, dumping us on stepmum (So she ended up resenting us) so he could go to the gym etc but it definitely wouldn’t have been better for me not to see him. My nephew on the other hand kept seeing His rubbish dad who eventually destroyed him. The lad now in his 20s has really low self esteem all caused by his crap dad but he still has his dad on a pedestal craving his attention

Ultimatum time for me, here, I think. He would have to either step up and stop disappointing my little boy so horribly with this sporadic contact, or not have contact and have to take me to court. What a wanker.

Yes. This is shit. There's no getting round it.
Thing is, the excuses are bullshit. If we really care about or want to do something, there are no excuses in the world that would stop us. So one has to deduce that this bloke basically just doesn't want to.
Your poor little boy.

There is no excuse for this. I don’t see how is it possible to love your child and don’t contact him for so long. A loving parent just can’t handle NOT contacting/seeing a child for that long.

Why can’t you talk to anyone about this? The only person you’re protecting is the dad. I’d be letting people know how shit he is, without badmouthing him to your son

How does your son feel? Does he notice or is it his normal?

@enjoyingthesilence I have a few close friends (we don’t have any mutual friends) who know his dad is absentee. For them it’s old news...and difficult to relate to because they/their partners are devoted dads. I feel embarrassed really. And it’s also not easy to talk to people without my son overhearing - I was on the phone the other night after he’d gone to bed and I later discovered he’d been awake and had heard everything....

@picklemewalnuts

I had actually decided to ask my son last night about this. I don’t want him growing up to think this is how normal dads behave. But effectively, he said yes he does notice but it is also his normal. His behaviour has at times been really challenging over the last couple of years and I’ve been told by experts that it may well be because he is angry at his father’s inconsistency and lack of interest, and he doesn’t know how else to express it. I told his father about what they had said earlier this year and he didn’t say much in response. And hasn’t changed his level of involvement.

@GeorgiaGirl52. I am sorry for you and your grandson, what a thing to deal with.

@pinkstripeycat How are you now? What you say is what I am constantly aware of - NC is such a huge decision and I don’t feel I should make it on my son’s behalf.

2.5 months?? Mine went 3 years without any contact.

Oh OP, that's absolutely rubbish. Your poor boy

My ex is very inconsistent with his phone calls and visiting. He hasn't left it anywhere near as long as yours though and has been better with phone calls lately.

I don't think there should always should be an all or nothing ultimatum though.
Mine accept it and don't seem to miss him or ask about him much when he's not here but they enjoy it when he does show up.
Everyone needs to look at their situation and decide what's best for their dc and how it's affecting them.

I mean I think he's a useless wanker but they would be very upset if he stopped coming altogether and I'm not being the cause of that.

He's old enough, I think, to tell him you wish it was different. That he deserves a dad who stays involved, and that this is about his dad not about him.

Does his father offer support financially? It may be worth telling him that his dad is confident your son is looked after, because he knows you wouldn't let him down.

Its better for your DS if you can find something positive- but true- to say about his father.