It's a needy friend one...

[Weston14]

Sorry I know these are ten a penny.

I've mentioned on here before that I travel a lot with work (often less glamorous than it sounds, promise), but that's been a bit of a no go this year for obvious reasons. So I'm back home and just trying to get on with my life as best I can under these strange and unusual circumstances, to quote the cliché..

About 4 or 5 years ago I met DFriend, who kind of came in a pair with another friend (DFriend2) who she was always with, through work. We even all lived near each other for a while and I loved catching up with the pair of them either together or one on one. But I wouldn't say we were very very close friends. I'm quite different to those two and, tbh, it was very much a product of circumstances that we were friends.

DF2 has now got another job elsewhere and moved away whereas DF has stayed at my firm. I've not been around much these past two years because of my various travels but we've always exchanged friendly texts between the three of us every now and again. But now I'm back working here, DF just messages me all the time!

It's relentless: photos of what she had for her dinner and vaguely amusing anecdotes from her life - I'd say 3 or 4 times a day. To be clear, I don't think she's lonely by any stretch of the imagination. She's single, but has lots of friends and is always doing something. So I don't get why she feels the need to message me all the time.

I feel bad for her because certainly in the past when I was a bit younger I've been on the other side of the coin and thought "Am I bothering them?". But DF is so sweet and innocent i know it'd break her heart if I said anything. I normally actually wouldn't mind seeing her for the occasional coffee or whatever, but the amount she messages just sours it for me and makes me concerned if I said "fancy a catchup this weekend?" it would just encourage her to message more!!

Any advice (sorry i know this sounds a bit like a teenage girl's diary...)

You say you don't think she's lonely. But she's reaching out for a reason, and often our perceptions don't match reality so you can't rule out the fact she's lonely. Especially given she didn't used to be like this?

I don't have any advice. Other than maybe ask yourself what you'd like the friendship to look like and start thinking about how you move towards that?

She sounds harmless. You don't need to reply to every message though.

Reply less. Like PP said, think about what you want the friendship to look like and see if you can move it in that direction.

In my experience (purely anecdotal) it's the people that are constantly doing things, posting daily on social media, showing what a fun time they are having, that are the most lonely. I think they try to fake it to seem fun and get more attention/be included more or feel less sorrow about it. For instance, I have one old friend who has to update her facebook daily with what they eat, that they've been on a bike ride, done some craft with the kids, visited someone (always the same family member though). It's always the same kind of stuff. She hasn't made a new friend in the past two decades and is mentally terribly lonely.

To echo what others have said - reply less. This will hopefully give her the (harsh but true) message that you're not interested in most of the stuff she sends. I wonder if some people do have a bit of a compulsion, fuelled by social media, to tell other people what they're doing a lot of the time.

Just reply less. You don't have to engage with every message.

Thanks all. She may be lonelier than it seems - it just looks to me like she's out more than me, with more people than i am!

I would agree with other posters that she is probably lonely, particularly if one of her best friends has recently moved away.
I would just respond less, maybe once a day if you can. It will probably mean a lot to her. But only do what you are comfortable with, and certainly don't feel obliged.

You can be lonely in a crowd

Can't you say something like

" For the sake of my MH I'm really trying to cut down screen and phone social addiction. So I'm asking all my friends to reduce contacts to no more than twice a week".

 If that doesn't  make her step back, then you  tell her you're having screen and phone free days when you delete all incoming messages.

I just tell people I don't do messages. If it's let's meet up or I have big news sure but if I get sent a bunch of crap they know I'm gonna ignore it.

@Weston14

Thanks all. She may be lonelier than it seems - it just looks to me like she's out more than me, with more people than i am!

This may mean she's very lonely. I did this when I was desparately sad and alone. Now I'm happy I rarely do.

@rorosemary

In my experience (purely anecdotal) it's the people that are constantly doing things, posting daily on social media, showing what a fun time they are having, that are the most lonely. I think they try to fake it to seem fun and get more attention/be included more or feel less sorrow about it. For instance, I have one old friend who has to update her facebook daily with what they eat, that they've been on a bike ride, done some craft with the kids, visited someone (always the same family member though). It's always the same kind of stuff. She hasn't made a new friend in the past two decades and is mentally terribly lonely.

Yes I have similar friends to this on Facebook and I always think the same as you, if they’re having so much fun, why take the time to be on fb all the time!