Feeling overshadowed by colleague

[Yesno121]

Looking for some advice please. I’m working alongside a colleague who I feel overshadowed by. I first thought it was my imagination but she has started doing things without letting me know, so when I come in I feel out of the loop as she hasn’t communicated with me the changes etc.

Also little things like she ignores me infront of the clients whilst I always try and include her and ask her input, or just try to have general banter with her before hand but I get ignored. I am a quieter person whilst she is more outgoing. Last week I decided to talk to her and asked her what the structure of meeting will be so I’m not blindsided by her again as in walk in not know anything as she’s decided to change it like usual (obviously didn’t tell her this just asked if we sticking to decided structure or if she added any last minute things). I also told her a little bit how I’m feeling like I’m not really part of it more a side kick rather than on same level (we both same seniority). It didn’t go down very well and she’s been very off with me even more than usual. I wish I stayed quiet now and just let her take the limelight as usual!

OK first things first. You are not at work to make friends. I mean its nice if you do but it's a side issue. You need to stop being passive and say, "don't make changes without running past me first. Its unprofessional" call her out on it. Don't worry about her getting the hump she sure as hell doesn't give a fuck about upsetting you. She's putting herself in a position to look good above you. And you can either let that happen or not.

Now I need to pull my big girl pants on and do something similar.... before it gets to that stage...

@Letsgetbizzy thank you for the advice! Yes you are 100% right I need to stop feeling I need to be friendly with her. It’s hard getting into this mindset at the time tho as even now I’m sat here feeling guilty that I upset her by trying to talk about it.

Why do you think she got in a mood with me when I tried to discuss it? She then completely ignored me at the end when I said bye to her.

I agree that you shouldn't have told her your feelings. Not sure I agree with pp about not making friends. I mean your boss won't want hassle so you need to look like you are friendly. I've seen successful boss types be more sneaky, 'that... Didn't work well, we both don't have the same information...'

I speak from experience...you need to be assertive and stand up for yourself. You are the same seniority!! Become louder and more outgoing!

What did she actually say when you asked her about the meeting details and explained you didn’t want to feel like a sidekick?

It is not acceptable for one colleague to sideline another, even if it’s not personal. Is there a promotion in the offing? Is your work generally better than hers or vice versa? Anything you can think of that might be prompting this?

Keep a record of everything, including dates and times of meetings / activities, her expected versis her actual actions etc. her ignoring you, conversations between you...everything.

If she does anything off or weird, email her and send a copy to your manager with a summary of everything that has happened, for info (not blame). If she continues, copy your manager into the next email.

It might be personal, but don't take it personally. She is not a team player and sounds like a competitive twat, but that's not your problem. Stay yourself - it's what makes you good at your job.

Do it back, change it all, take charge of the meeting early doors and close her down "oh X must have not updated her version to the most recent..." I think you'll need to tussle for power with her and at the moment she's winning. Get to meetings earlier than her, be the first to walk in the room and confidently say hello to clients and start up the conversation so they see you as the lead.

What are your strengths? Are you the better listener? At the end of the day what is working for your clients? Are you the person clients come back to for clarification or confirmation?

I'm not sure how this can be resolved. I have a colleague doing the same. He is a bit of a glory hunter. Blasts in with the big solutions then blasts off again without turning the solutions into long term processes.

Over time I have realised that my strength lies in process, making processes work reliably and repeatably. It hasnt built me a high flying career!

Why do you think she got in a mood with me when I tried to discuss it? She then completely ignored me at the end when I said bye to her.

No one likes being called out on poor behaviour and she now knows you know she's playing a game.

Letsgetbizzy's advice is good. You might be the same level but she clearly doesn't like that and is trying to edge you out and make you look stupid. You need to call her out on it every time and start logging all the issues. If it doesn't get better speak to your manager as the only thing that will get damaged here is your reputation if you let it.

You did the right thing telling her. She’s off because you called her out. And to need to keep doing it. Fgs don’t let her get all the limelight. Before you know it she will be your boss and she will be bitch from hell / manage you out.

She got moody because you’re in the right and she knows it. You are a team player- she is not. You are collaborative - she is not. You confront possible issues beforehand - she sulks off. You’re better than her so she’s playing this to make you look bad. It won’t take much to expose her. Suggest some collaboration training and call her out on this behaviour (gaslighting) every single time. Clients don’t like internal schisms like that - it’s a bad look, she knows it.

You need to get tough and ignore her sulking. She’s in a mood / ignoring you as you’ve called her out. Good, carry on.
Be more assertive when you speak to her, don’t use any apologetic language and don’t say ‘I’m feeling’, say ‘can you make sure you respond to me in front of clients, it looks bad when you ignore me’. I agree with getting to the meetings early and meeting the clients first so you have a chance to shine first as she’s undermining you.

I think you have had some excellent advice here regarding taking control of meetings by being early, playing to your strengths and keeping records of this behaviour in the event that you need to escalate.
You are in the right. She is not a team player

This happened to me except she did it to me in front of our manager. She was jealous of me because I was in a more senior position to her. I never stood up to her because I’m a people pleaser but it got worse and worse until the manager sided with her and restructured me out of the team. It’s a shame some people feel the need to be like that. I agree with a previous poster in that it shows they aren’t a team player. She’s probably upset other people for the same reason as well.

Take the lead.

Before the next meeting, call a meeting with her to agree strategy/process at the meeting. Get her agreement. Then stick to it. If she doesn't, you can later call her out on it having documented beforehand how it would go. If she asks why, tell her that the previous meetings have been less effective because of the ad hoc approach and you see a need to improve that. No personal language.
Never let anyone do this to you more than once. Never be unpleasant or unprofessional, never sink to her level, don't be the snitch and don't look like you need to be liked. Work on giving the impression that it is all, 100%, about professionalism towards colleagues and clients and "getting the job done" (groan! Sorry, but that's how it works).

@Letsgetbizzy is spot on OP. The 'unprofessional' word is very powerful and it sounds like that is what she is being.

You could frame it as 'it would be more professional if changes were not made without both of us knowing' if you want to be less direct.