To put my foot down with DS1

[Teesstar]

Popped this here rather than in parenting section for traffic.

Bracing myself for the backlash but here goes!

So DS1 is 22, failed uni so has left, he is working at a local bar minimum of 15 hours but more around 25 a week. I never asked him about money as I don’t feel it’s my business to know his earnings.

He has a car (old banger) and his own phone contract. He went to uni locally so never left home and I only ever charged him £15 a week lodge which I rarely got!

I work 30 hours a week, single parent no maintenance from ex husband, other DS’s (18,16 &11) all in FT education. I have also started a full time masters. So I could get council tax relief for a year and DS1 was supposed to go back to uni but now can’t so the CT bill will be reduced but not fully. He told me today he earns £220 a week. He hasn’t paid lodge (still £15 a week!) for past month, he owes me £150 and I have been asking him for 8 weeks to clean his disgusting room and I mean it is disgusting! He has food rotting in there! Rubbish, washing and cups and glasses.

I am at the end of my rope with him as I am stressed and busy enough with my own life. He just looks at me like I am stupid when I bring up the mess and says he will do it but never does!
I mentioned the CT bill to him today and he made out that he would be better off on the dole and I just said no, you have to be responsible and work and pay bills.

He has gone off out again. But I am sat here bubbling over it now. I costed on a benefits calculator what he would get if he moved out into a place of his own. He wouldn’t be able to live!

How do I broach this without having a huge row, and yet making him see I can’t accept this any longer?

You need to say to him that he shapes up and pays you board or he has x number of weeks to move out to and you need to mean it. At 22 he is an adult,

Give him his notice and be serious. He needs to learn to be a grown up at some point.

When my DD turned 21 and was working under similar conditions, we split bills and she buys her own food. I'm not petty, she doesn't pay towards things that i would have anyway, water, tv licence etc and I treat her to a bottle of wine or a takeaway occasionally.

You need to put it that he's now an adult and you can't be expected to keep him. It probably will come to an argument, but you've just got to stand your ground. It's time for him to grow up. Try to agree on levels of cleanliness together.

You need to say to him that he shapes up and pays you board or he has x number of weeks to move out to and you need to mean it. At 22 he is an adult

I agree, and I would also tell him he has one day to properly clean his disgusting room or I'd be going in there and throwing out every single fucking thing. It is completely unacceptable to live in filth like that.

Ok so he came home and I sat him down and said we needed to talk about this.

He thinks I am being unreasonable and that his friends don’t have to pay as much in bills at home, I said that was up to their parents! I have told him he has until Sunday to get the room sorted.
We will get the final figure on the bill and come to a reasonable agreement and I still want lodge money paying.

Even with the bills he has plus me insisting on this he will have £450 a month and I have told him to work more hours if he wants more money.
He wants to set up his own photography business but seems to think he doesn’t need to work full time at the moment! I have explained I want to sit at home and write books but it won’t pay the bills right now so I have to work and write on the side!

He lives in a dream world, and I have just told him life out there is damn hard and this is not me demanding money it’s me loving him enough to prepare him! He feels hard done to bless him!

He said he doesn’t see why just because I am not getting away with the council tax for the year (I see it as having a break from that responsibility for a bit!) he shouldn’t be the one to pick it up! Haha!

He won’t grow up if you keep enabling him. I’m 23 and I can’t believe how some people around my age live! I’m renting my own house so I couldn’t imagine working low hours, sponging off my mum, making a mess and then being ungrateful about paying only £60 a month for lodge!! All of my bills come to just under £1000 a month so obviously I have to work full-time. He’s 22 not 10...tell him to find his own place! I think the matter would be completely different if he was clean, respectful and maybe saving for his own home. At the moment he’s just coasting along, not achieving anything, because he doesn’t have to as you’re feeding him and keeping a roof over his head.

I think it's reasonable to expect him to keep his room up to a certain standard of cleanliness, and to make some contribution financially to the household.

My DC of similar ages are expected to keep their rooms tidyish. No festering crockery, no overflowing bins, clothes etc put away.

Eldest DC who is working doesn't pay me anything as I don't need the money but the compromise on that is he puts the £200 he would pay me for 'board' into a help to buy account. He pays for his own phone, car, Netflix etc. I just feed him. He also let me share his car during lockdown when mine was off the road!

Explain to him his room being disgusting like you described can attract insects and rodents and you are asking him to respect you as his mother and landlord just like any other property owner would. Maybe you can advise him to get out of his fantasy world and go rent shopping for equivalent accommodations and see what a deal he's receiving from you!

YABU........ £15 a week??? Which you aren’t even insisting he pays you? Wow, he’s taking you for a right mug. I’m assuming you pay for his food too?

He’s getting over £900 a month to himself, while you subsidise him.

Tell him to pay £300 a month AND keep his room clean, otherwise he can leave. Draw up a list of what his expenses would be if he did that, he’ll get a shock.

He won’t grow up if you keep enabling him.

This ^^, with bells on.