AIBU to ask for your experiences and understanding of these terms?

[MahMahMahMahCorona]

I've been doing a lot of research on narcissists as I thought my XH was one. More recently through sharing various and varied characteristics and traits of his, the question has been raised as to whether in fact he's a sociopath. Apparently he could be a narcissistic sociopath... who knew.

I must admit that I thought they were one and the same, that Narc was simply a new word for sociopath. I would love for him to have a psych assessment so he can get the help he needs to parent our children without further abusing them but I don't have the ££ to fund this.

AIBU to ask for your understanding of these terms used to describe a person? Yes there's masses of research and documented evidence online, but if you had personal experience and you're willing to share would you help me in my understanding please?

sociopaths have no emotions and manipulate people.
Narcissism comes from a lack of love/trauma in child hood, they only put themselves first.

Thank you @Sallyshouse - so there really can be people who are a mixture of the two? There are certain of the Narc traits XH definitely doesn't have and in fact it seems totally opposite. Then I have to remind myself that like many things, it's a spectrum and some people are further up or down than others.

They’re different, but there may be overlap. Narcissism is self-love or obsession; all behaviours are driven by the perceived centrality of that person to everything that goes on around them. They literally do not understand that it isn’t about them.

Sociopathy is a much more extreme and dysfunctional state of affairs. The person feels no empathy for others and as such might perceive them to be pawns, suitable for manipulation or abuse to achieve the individual’s desired outcomes.

Neither is a clinical diagnosis.

Thank you @flaviaritt - interesting that you say neither is a clinical diagnosis - does that suggest both / either are classed as personality disorders? How does one "diagnose" a sociopath, or indeed a psychopath for that matter?

I’m not sure about psychopathy but I’m pretty sure you don’t diagnose them. It’s just an opinion.

@flaviaritt I had no idea these are not things one can diagnose. I wonder what the point is of all my research. Nothing will ever be definitive. 🤦🏼‍♂️

If he’s your ex, why are you wasting so much time and headspace in this?

Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t, maybe you just don’t like him any more. You’re not going to get an answer for why he is how he is, you’ll just tie yourself up in knots thinking about him so much.

Can you put him out of your head and find a new interest or hobby to dedicate your time to? Living well is the best revenge.

@MaskingForIt - thank you yes I totally agree and usually I would let it go.

But he's doing what he used to do to me, to our children.

I had no idea these are not things one can diagnose. I wonder what the point is of all my research. Nothing will ever be definitive. 🤦🏼‍♂️

Probably you just need to add “arsehole” to your vocabulary and leave off the psychiatry.

@flaviaritt you are absolutely right there. I actually stopped reading Lundy Bancroft as I didn't think there was any point in wasting time / headspace on him any longer.

But in essence there's a bigger picture here: what is psychiatry / psychoanalysis, what do the professionals actually hold onto as "fact" if these sorts of personality disorders can't be diagnosed? I actually find it fascinating and wonder if I'm in the wrong career!

I don’t know, really, tbh!

Psychiatrists use either the DSMV or ICD11 to diagnose. A patient must meet a set amount of factors.

Sociopathy is not a clinical term but broadly falls under anti-social personality disorder.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical term.

NPD is, but you can say ‘a narcissist’ (as the term would be commonly used) without meaning they have a clinically diagnosable condition. And I think most people do use the term like that.