The birds and the bees

[BirdsandBeezz]

Hello Mumsnetters. Please tell me if I have done wrong.

I have upset my husband today and I want to hear your thoughts on whether I was unreasonable.

DS has been asking about sex recently (aged nine). He believed that babies were conceived from a kiss and that a chromosome is sucked out to make a human. He kept calling a snog 'sex' last night, and I told him it was inappropriate to use that term and sex was not a snog.

Inevitably, he then asked the question, 'what is sex then?' DH said it was too late to discuss it. However, When I put DS to bed he said he would not go to sleep until I told him what it was so I briefly touched on it to satisfy his curious mind. He found the whole thing hilarious of course.

When I told my husband this morning that DS knows a bit about the birds and the bees, DH was very cross because he had wanted to be there when we delivered this big news. He said it is what parents should tell their kids together.

I did not realise it meant this much to him, especially because he is very relaxed in the help department generally.

Does he have a point that we should have sat DS down together? The reason I didn't think to was because the conversation was evolving naturally at the time and I felt it was right to tell him before he went into school and asked his friends.

WIU?

Pile of shite. Can't think of anything worse than a sit down with parents to hear about sex. Wait for their questions, answer honestly, job done.

NO NO NO you don't sit down as a family to explain to DC's about sex 🙈 your DH is being ridiculous. This is definitely a topic where questions should be answered, in a factual and age appropriate way, as they are asked.

Thank you, DH was mad with conviction so I wanted to check. He was telling me to get out of his way when I tried to speak to him this morning.

There are some good books on human biology for that age group, some that just cover puberty and reproduction, and others that include how the eye works etc.
Why not choose one with your DH and then he can read it with your DS?

It isn't or shouldn't be a big sit down chat, it is an ongoing conversation that starts off simple with basic facts and progresses to consent and respect.

I have two sons, it is me that told them things because I was the one they asked. They are incredibly close to Dh too it is just that the questions came about when he was at work.

We bought Mummy Laid an Egg for when the children were about 5 years old (there are photos inside the book on Amazon) which is a lovely book and then we bought the What's Happening to Me? book about puberty.

I agree with PPs, it shouldn’t be a formal sit down lecture with both parents- I can’t imagine anything more cringeworthy!
And it shouldn’t be a one off either. Ideally you drip feed age appropriate information all through childhood, so the DC absorb the basic facts comfortably and before there is any embarrassment or emotional implications.
My DC knew where babies came from when they were toddlers, and had observed lions mating at our local safari park when they were five, so I just answered questions as they came up and provided more detail when necessary, eg about periods when nine, pre puberty.
There are lovely books for youngsters- the Babette Cole one mentioned by a PP is a brilliant hoot, where the parents talk a lot of nonsense about storks and gooseberry bushes, until the kids put them right!
You need to keep a relaxed dialogue going with your DS, so that he feels at ease asking you questions and can trust your answers. Communication is vital, and establishing trust keeps that channel open even during the difficult teenage years. I think you need to educate your DH even more than your DS!

Ugh how gross, let's all sit down as a family at 7pm on friday to discuss the big thing of sex.
Sex shouldn't even be a big conversation, it's a natural part of who we are. You'll just make it feel dirty and a bigger deal than it is by making it into a full on "talk"

I agree with pp. The one big conversation approach d sad pounds very old fashioned and potentially traumatic- like you’re revealing some terrible secret. We have answered questions honestly with age appropriate answers from toddlerhood. I think it’s pretty unfair that you’ve left him so confused at age nine. A book for them to read together sounds good but your dh is being ridiculous to make this about him. It should be about your ds’s needs not some ‘precious moment’.

Why is snog inappropriate?
Just answer the questions honestly when they come up. Really no need for a family sit down. I can't imagine anything worse!

@MamaMoonbeam

Why is snog inappropriate? Just answer the questions honestly when they come up. Really no need for a family sit down. I can't imagine anything worse!

It isn't, he was using the term 'sex' for snog.

Wow your husband seems to have issues.
We started those age appropriate conversations with dd5 and ds8 when the dog came into season because that’s the first time anything related came up. Can’t imagine sitting down and making a big deal about it.

Ha ha, that's made me laugh, I can imagine my children being mortified if we sat as a family for the big birds and bees reveal conversation! Perhaps he wanted to do the father / son conversation as a bonding thing, but his son asked and his dad was dismissive, so tough. You went about it in exactly the same way I did, you answered factually when your son asked the question.

How ridiculous.

What year is he in though, mine are 9 in Y5 and are being taught all about in school this term anyway. It's led to some interesting discussions, particularly the bus advert about sex and arthritis.

I'd just check with DH he doesnt want to hand out the tissues when DS has his first wank. 'Well done son, bit of advice, grip it a little harder next time'

Oh god if my parents had sat me down together abs suddenly told me what sex was I'd have died of embarrassment, you did the right thing at the right time

Agree with pp, it’s not a single big heart to heart and then done and dusted. It’s a series of small conversations over the years as they get older, perhaps dealing with any details or complexities based on what is appropriate for their age.

If he wanted to be "in on it", he's left it a bit late.......I can't think that the schools I taught in were in any way unusual in tackling the topic gradually from a much younger age.
Although one Yr 3 cherub was heard to comment, "My mummy and daddy wouldn't do that - it's rude."

Why on earth would you need to name change for this?

@BuffayTheVampireLayer

Why on earth would you need to name change for this?

Good spot. I wrote a post on my friend's behalf so she would have known my user name if she looked. I thought I'd make a fresh start so she could not follow any subsequent posts.

the conversation was evolving naturally at the time and I felt it was right to tell him before he went into school and asked his friends.

You read the moment absolutely right. Your dh had the opportunity to tell ds together with you when ds asked. But instead he fobbed the boy off and sent him to bed.

To be cross about it now sounds bizarrely controlling.