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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL issues

21 replies

Zara84 · 22/10/2020 01:22

Hi- any thoughts please ?

So I recently had a miscarriage and it was awfully traumatic, still having counselling as it physically was a complicated process and mentally anyone who has had a mc will know how damaging it is..
Anyhow at the same time my sil announced her pregnancy..firstly I thought it was tasteless the way in which she surprise announced to us all full well knowing I had literally just returned from a mc, since then her whole pregnancy she has spoken of nothing but the bump, movements etc etc. We used to be quite friendly and now I just choose not to entertain her as much as I once did-So she reverted to putting up ridiclous statuses on her social media which indicated that one should not be jealous etc etc. I ignored all this and to my face she is all smiles.

Now the baby is born and nothing has changed; she sends me an average of 10 pics a day of the baby, constantly tells me how it’s the most beautiful child she has seen, recently told me she is already trying for a 3rd as she is worried she will get old and have difficulties ( I am 2 years older than her)

This is her second child and my issue is teh lack of compassion, everyone in my family knows what I went through... she has never since the miscarriage asked if I am okay, how things are l, how I am feeling - nothing. And the constant in my face of her child/ pregnancy planning is affecting my mental health - AIBU?

OP posts:

Thisisnotnormal69 · 22/10/2020 01:24

No you’re not being unreasonable... I’m not sure what the solution is other than what you’re already doing, unfortunately. What does your DH think?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 22/10/2020 01:25

If this is his sister rather than your brother’s wife?

Fiadh79 · 22/10/2020 01:43

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

What your sister in law is doing is unbelievably insensitive. Were you close before this? It is a horrible situation for you!

GreyGreenVase · 22/10/2020 02:10

Of course your simple solution, mute or block her on your phone.

Avoid meeting her

Tell her she’s an insensitive ...well chose your own description there

OzziePopPop · 22/10/2020 03:20

Cow. Her not you obviously!

💐💐💐💐💐💐

custardbear · 22/10/2020 03:25

It's hard, but you'll get your baby soon enough

Nancydrawn · 22/10/2020 03:41

You're absolutely not being unreasonable and your SIL is callous and cruel.

I'd step as far away from her as you can. Can you mute her texts?

I'm sorry, OP.

BGDino · 22/10/2020 05:48

YANBU.

Cut as much contact as you can.

Catflapkitkat · 22/10/2020 05:51

So sorry for what you have been through.

She does sound particularly insensitive. But as someone who had to go through IVF you're not jealous of her baby - you just want your own.

Please mute her - on everything, you don't need to see 10 photos a day of the same thing unless you are investigating a crime scene. If she says anything and she shouldn't have time to notice with a child and a new baby - just say you are taking a social media break at the moment.

crankysaurus · 22/10/2020 06:04

That's very insensitive of her, does she realise that? Are you able to take a bit of a break from her?

SnuggyBuggy · 22/10/2020 06:30

I would try to minimise your contact as she sounds very insensitive. How are the wider family likely to react?

maybemu · 22/10/2020 06:33

Next time she puts a status up just write. Sometimes it's not jealously it's pain. I'm so sorry for your loss. Having been through a mc myself I know how painful it can be. Maybe try speaking to her and explain what an upsetting experience it has been. Unfortunately sometimes if someone hasn't been through a loss they don't see it as a big deal. I don't think I really understood it until I went through it.

ikeptgoing · 22/10/2020 06:53

Your SIL has a missing sensitivity gene or heart, she sounds a thoughtless self centred cow

Is she physically messaging you 10 photos a day of baby? Or IG linking you ? Has she any idea how hurtful it is to be daily reminded of your pain and loss? She won't let you heal.

Anyway, there is an easy answer - for the time being- next year

block her on fb and IG /sm
block her number snd on messaging services so she can't send you baby photos
send her emails to spam
don't meet up with her, go out with other friends & limit contact to special occasions only keeping it short

You'll feel better in time and then can quietly resume contact

icelollycraving · 22/10/2020 07:04

Unfollow her on all social media. Remove the option of being tagged in photos and perhaps block on your phone?
Is she your brother’s wife or your dh’s sister? If it’s his sister perhaps he can have a word? How do the family react to her?
When I had a mc, it was traumatic but also an amazing revelation. I hope my story isn’t painful or hurtful to anyone. I’d been told without help I was very unlikely to fall pregnant. I’d not considered that I could be pregnant. I had to have a d&c but fell pregnant very soon after.
Maybe your sil is just utterly without any finer feelings rather than an out and out cowbag.
I wish you the very best of luck with your hopes of having a baby

Shizzlestix · 22/10/2020 07:11

Just block her and get off her social media.

LavaCake · 22/10/2020 07:21

She sounds really insensitive and cruel. I would block or mute her on everything. Don’t worry about being rude - she’s the one who caused a breakdown in the relationship.

SnuggyBuggy · 22/10/2020 07:26

If you're worried about a bad reaction you could block off that side and tell them you're taking a bit of a social media break.

peakygal · 22/10/2020 07:53

She sounds like my SIL. Before DH died we had been trying for a baby for 2 years and it just didn't happen. SIL gets pregnant which is totally fine, genuinely pleased for her, and spent her entire pregnancy insisting it was DH coming back (reincarnation) as she had worked out she had conceived the week he died. Was full sure the baby would be a boy. Had many scans (I kid you not) through hospital appointments and paying a number of times to go private to find out the sex and despite being told each time the baby was a girl, she would not accept this. She was adamant she was having a boy to name him after DH. It was an awful experience. I had just lost hubby and it was a constant reminder. She eventually faded herself out thank god. You need to go NC for your own sanity. Your SIL is inconsiderate and cruel. Hugs to you x

LouiseTrees · 22/10/2020 08:23

Mute the updates on WhatsApp from her, only ever gave your DH open the thread, don’t see her in person.

Worldwide2 · 22/10/2020 08:47

If she is your husbands sister could you get him to have a word on the behalf of both of you. Just to say we are very happy for you but we are both very sensitive and it's hard for us, so she thinks she's upsetting her brother too? She might back off then.
Or if it's your brothers gf, speak to your brother. Tell him how you genuinely feel. Thhe pictures are just too much atm everything is raw for you. Your brother will no doubt have compassion for you and will address it.
The two scenarios takes you out of any 'confrontation'.
Also I would do as other pp suggest and just come away from SM for your own mental wellbeing.
I know covid makes things difficult atm but what you have been through is traumatic and mentally draining. Be kind to yourself, carve some time out for you and your partner and do something relaxed or fun. Take some time to do something you enjoy. It will do you the world of good to just step out of seeing ppl and focus on you.

Original poster

Zara84 · 22/10/2020 09:35

Thanks so much ladies - I was beginning to almost feel like is she correct am
I jealous? Which I know I am completely not- it’s just my pain at the moment is bigger than anyone’s celebration.

She is my brother’s wife - she has always been “needy” and attention seeking & extremely nosey.

I never had an issue with her but everyone has always known she has a bit of an attitude and a selfish trait - she won’t ever do anything or go out of her way for anyone.

She doesn’t tag me, she personally sends
Pics to me and also in groups that I am in; I am surprised at how she does have time with anew born.

She makes comments like she is so thankful for having children whilst young ( she had her first late 20s and second early 30s) so she can watch them grow. It’s just comments like that which I think seriously how can you not know that they could hurt someone who has just gone through a mc and is struggling.

I have muted the group and have even now started ignoring her calls/video calls regularly I am sure she knows that I have had enough of her.

I will block her on Facebook today seems like a good idea.

My brother is definitely a bit under her thumb and probably won’t correct her; my mum said something to her once about being sensitive and she left my mums house crying and didn’t have dinner. And then followed it up with a. String of posts on how some people are x y z. So my mum tells me to ignore her as she literally will just make a massive scene for no reason.

I just hope to God that one day soon I can also have a child and show her and others that you can have a child and be happy and still
Be sensitive to those around you...

Anyways thanks ladies...needed the confirmation that it wasn’t just me! X

OP posts:

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