AIBU to think my MIL should just back off

[GordonsAliveAndEatsPies]

To give a bit of context my MIL is entitled. She walks off when bills arrive at restaurants leaving everyone else to pay, she expects you to turn up with bags of shopping at hers but will eat and drink you out of house of home when she comes to visit, she moans a lot about being poor (which she isn't but it's all about what she doesn't have, not what she does) and when covid hit said we should buy her a house near us so she can be in our bubble (she owns her own which she specifically said she won't sell). Despite this, I do make an effort and have spoken to her a lot over this period to keep her spirits up as she's on her own, though her endless negativity is somewhat wearing.

To the pont - I have rather unexpectedly found myself pregnant again and we are planning to pay someone to come and be with us for a few months after to help with the baby, our current DC and the house. We run our own busy business, it will make life easier and cost isn't a problem.

Every time this arrangement comes up, she says that she should come and stay for that length of time. She says she coudn't feed the baby but she could do "other stuff". She doesn't have a massive history of actually spending time with the children we do have when we are with her so i don't know why it would be different with this one. In fact, she has distinct mentionitis about my SIL's kids when she is with us though ironically doesn't want to go there (SIL is also due again) for an extended period, just here (tho she is obviously going there when the baby is due and for the period just after).

In the same way, I have already said that when the time comes my parents are going to be looking after the DC while I am in hospital but at no point have i said MIL can't see the baby, just that we will be paying someone for the period after. I don't want someone here I feel I will end up "taking care" of emotionally, financially and everything else, which is where I feel it may go if it was her if history is anything to go by.

With all this in mind, how can I get her to back off? Or am I being unreasonable?

Your baby, your family, your house, your life, your choice.

Just tell her straight, plans are made and you want paid help not a house guest.

Your husband can tell her that you don't want her to do that

Thanks but no thanks

You get her to back off by refusing to entertain her repetitive comments and questions. When she asks again to take care of the baby.. "No, Bertha, that doesn't work for us, and as you know we have already made our plans. Talk to you soon" and then hang up the phone. Each and every time.

Stop giving her opportunities to invade your plans.. She doesn't need to know your business.. I feel you have posted about her before!!

"We're going to need more help than would be fair to expect of you, especially as I'm sure you'll want the freedom and flexibility to be able to go and see SIL's new baby as well. But we appreciate the offer, and perhaps we can call on you to cover if the nanny is ill or taking holiday?"

We want someone who will look after us, play with the kids, cook, do washing and cleaning. Not a guest who will add to the work. You are of course welcome to pop over on Sunday afternoon. (Don't say visit or she'll think she's staying!)

This is your DH's problem to sort out as is entertaining her and any other issues she creates.

When she asks you say "oh didn't DH tell you our plans?"

Why do so many women have to take on the sorting out roles that their DH's as adults really should?

She obviously perceives you as far wealthier than she is and as you say, entitled to her cut. I can’t understand why you would turn up with bags of stuff when you visit. Surely a bunch of flowers is more usual?

Anyway draw some clearer boundaries. No, we aren’t able to stop at any shops today, you’ll need to get the food in. No, we won’t be needing you after the baby comes, we are hiring a professional. In a restaurant: Ok, before we order can we agree we are splitting the bill?

"That's a lovely offer, thank you! But we've already made arrangements that will fit around the business really well. We'll look forward to seeing you as a guest rather than a housekeeper though and will let you know when we're settled"

"That doesn't work for us but it's so kind of you to think of us"

"Gosh we wouldn't dream of imposing on you like that! We feel much more comfortable with our arrangement"

Or the direct route

"I think we've already talked about this haven't we? Please respect our wishes and the decisions we've made for our family"

Pay someone and have a nice uncomplicated work relationship where you can tell them what to do without and stress.

You don’t need to tell her your plans. And you definitely shouldn’t feel pressured into letting her come to stay.

It’s lovely that you’ve made lots of effort to keep in touch with her during lockdown, but this isn’t your responsibility... it’s your husband’s. So if it’s getting you down, cut down the contact a bit, and let him pick up the slack.

YANBU at all. You need someone to help, not someone who typically demands to be taken care of.

I would say thank you for the offer but the decision has been made, is final and that you don't wish to discuss it any more.

When it comes up, I'd say, "Thank you, but we've considered all the ins and outs and decided that this is what's best for us." Just variations on that theme, as polite or as cool as you feel the situation or the moment warrants. "Yes, we've thought about that, but this will work better for us."

Definitely don't be pressured into accepting her offer if it's not what you want. You're right that she probably won't suddenly change and do/be everything you need. Far more likely that she'll drain you emotionally, as is typical with negative people.

I agree with a PP that if she won't take "no" for an answer, your husband should step up and deal with her, seeing as she's his mother.

I do find these sort of posts quite astonishing. I am both a mother of adult children and a MIL. I would never dream of interfering in any way in any arrangements that my DDs have made regarding anything at all really - but especially child care arrangements.

I have told them that I am happy to help in any way that is useful to them if I am available; and I do pick two up from school (well - been difficult recently obviously) and bob in and out to sit with the others when asked.

If they make an alternative arrangement on a particular occasion, then that is fine - their children, their lives, their choice.

Is there any way you can have an open conversation with her? Perhaps say that you want the children to be involved with her but that you do not want to feel pressured and that it is in essence your children, your choices.

I think that Serenity45's suggestions are good ones.

I am sorry you are in this situation - it is a bit of a vicious circle really because the more you push her away the more she will fight to get involved. Somehow, behind all this, she needs to understand that you are not trying to cut her out of yours or the children's lives, but that you need to be free to make your own decisions without coming under pressure.

I think that maybe I go in the the opposite direction - I remember when my DD had her second child we came to her home to visit and there were a number of other people floating around and after a short while I said I would pop off and let her have some peace and quiet and she said "Oh for goodness sake Mum, do not go; I really want you here!"

It is quite hard as a Mum and MIL to always get it right!!!

Thanks, but no thanks. Lines always get blurred when family/friends are involved.

You're right to worry.
DH needs to tackle it now.

Your plan is very smart. I had a doula in for a few months after my second child was born and it was a lifesaver. Paying someone makes the relationship much simpler and easier for you. Your MIL will empty your fridge and likely create more work than she does.

Congratulations on your happy news!

Sounds like she just heard the word money and jumped on it.

Just proceed with your plans and ignore her. If she carries on, it might be time for strong words.

"That's a lovely offer. But we're really looking for someone to hoover, wash floors, scrub the loos and clean vomit-covered baby clothes. Of course we couldn't possibly expect you to do that. But we'll look forward to you visiting".

End of.

Do not let her stay OP you will never get rid of her..one night will turn in to forever with her!

YANBU. If she comes she will drive you absolutely mad. Of course she should come and visit and see the new baby but absolutely not stay with you for an elongated period of time and certainly not as a replacement for professional help. She'll turn up promising to be helpful then act as a martry because she put the kettle on.

@MessAllOver

"That's a lovely offer. But we're really looking for someone to hoover, wash floors, scrub the loos and clean vomit-covered baby clothes. Of course we couldn't possibly expect you to do that. But we'll look forward to you visiting".

End of.

This is perfect.

This happens to me, ds mil gets to baby sit too, over nights, the lot.
I often wonder if it will be a fairer set up if dd has children one day.
Until then us dm of ds just have to suck it up.

Thank you all for your replies. Glad to know I wasn’t being oversensitive...

MIL has now acknowledged that ‘if you can afford it, you should do it’ so I think she knows there won’t be a change in the plan.

I did also get a message from DH’s DS saying what an expensive month she was having. In fairness she is always close to the edge but I was expecting a bit of conversation about other things.