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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that children don't keep you young?

57 replies

hedgehogcake · 21/10/2020 10:43

Its something I see written or hear being said that having children helps keep you young, teenages in your 40's and 50's keeps you youthful but in my experiance my teens make me feel ancient. I was wearing my granny boot slippers (very toasty) and big cosy dressing gown as I shuffled into the kitchen this morning half asleep for my coffee and DS 14 said "oh look hagrids up" Which made DD16 laugh. I the caught my reflection in the fridge door and could see what they meant! Yes it was funny but sometimes I feel so ancient when I see myself though their eyes. Sure I could make an effort before leaving the bedroom each moring but why should I in my own home? I suppose everyone my age (44) looks a little rough. My childfree friends probably look crap at times but they can do it in private and when at large they look as svelte and cool as they did at 25! They also don't spend their life slaving after three kids so have more time and money to spend on themselves, attend concerts, galleries and eat out at new resturants (ok perhaps not right now but generally).

I love my kids and am happy with the choices I made but the idea that they keep you young is a total myth in my opinion!

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehogcake · 21/10/2020 11:51

Sure a young child under 8 or so can help you relive the magic of childhood in flashes (flashes because mostly your working so hard to make the magic you don't get to enjoy it so much) and seeing my teens go through the teenage stuff takes me right back to my own experiances and perhaps that does increase empathy.

But I don't think knowing about current trends in fashion, music, make up or whatever is that relevent. Most of the trends are crap as were the trends when I was a young teen pogs, tying grolsch caps to your shoes and 2Unlimited!

The things that I feel make me feel young are time to explore my one interests and curiosities. A childfriend of mine is doing a Phd at the moment and to me she seems so youthful and free while I just don't have the energy to invest in my own interests or wellbeing after taking care of everyone else. I see it around me as well that its us parents sliding into middle age because we are exhausted and the realisation that by the time my kids all adults I'll be pushing 60 and old! None of the lingo or pretty little liars watching makes up for that, that doesn't make you any younger it just makes you know about more cultural tat.

Also quite a few of my childfree friend are quite capable of enjoying the magic of christmas or the joy of a funfair without kids. Perhaps I am unusual in that most of my friends are childfree.

@Rosebel You hit the nail on the head, this is exactly what I mean!

OP posts:
Original poster
hedgehogcake · 21/10/2020 11:54

@Lardlizard Thanks, I am ok with it all, and love my funny kids even when they are laughing at me and some of my responses might look like I'm saying having kids is rubbish, which it isn't but I do think the they keep you young thing is total codswallop!

OP posts:
AuldFox · 21/10/2020 12:06

I’m with you hedgehog

Wouldn’t change a thing, but I’m not kidding myself that having kids keeps me young in any way. If anything, they’re a constant reminder that I’m past it! Grin

lljkk · 21/10/2020 12:07

My kids remind me of how to think like a young person, and that they are simply people too at that age. Not a bunch of skulking hooligans or feral freaks. Good to have the contact.

soffiee · 21/10/2020 12:16

In my experience my DS has aged me by 10 years. The sleepless nights and actually having no time for self care because I'm too busy prioritising my ds's needs (18 months old) has taken a toll on my overall appearance. I never had greys before birth, I never had dark circles under my eyes and visible frown lines even with a poker face. When I was child free I was an avid gym goer and took pride in my appearance and now I can't even remember when I had a decent meal (uninterrupted) or when I drank water. I forget drinking water.

Bigkingdom · 21/10/2020 12:57

Not here.

I have a large family, i am 39 but get mistaken all the time for someone in their late 20’s. I might feel old and tired but to the outside world i don’t look it.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 21/10/2020 12:58

Since having a baby I feel like ive physically aged 10 years

unmarkedbythat · 21/10/2020 13:01

People who think they have been 'kept young' by their kids would have stayed 'young' anyway.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 21/10/2020 13:04

I don't think anyone is claiming that children make you look young - that'd be a properly odd claim, especially for mothers if they've had biological children and gone through the rigours of pregnancies and births and potentially breastfeeding, plus the likelihood of sleep deprivation.

Mentally teens can keep you young because they are a window back into the world of being young. Working closely with young people (as pupils/ students/ clients or young colleagues) can do similar, although it can have the opposite effect sometimes too, when they're being extremely right on or earnest about something you've worked through and feel sceptical about...

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/10/2020 13:12

I think it's the 'shuffling' OP Grin, pick those feet up!

I think mine have kept me young in mind, not in body or face mind you. I def know more about music, festivals than I perhaps would have done if I had been child free. Interesting to have their views on things like Brexit, covid, climate change. They open our minds up to other points of view. I know friends and other family do this as well, but these people are actually living with you so it's spontaneous opinion.

Mine are now late teens … one at uni, one at home. I miss the chatter and silliness that came with having two at home, listening to them bounce off each other, argue over wearing each other's clothes, sitting at the table for dinner (the one left is reluctant to do that with just me and DH).

so in answer, yes they keep you young in some ways!

AbsolCatly · 21/10/2020 13:16

Hmm am 41 and went out puddle jumping with DD(5) today

Age is a state of mind - I don't mind getting muddy splashes, because of the fun! :)

goose1964 · 21/10/2020 13:25

You're right. I had DGS over the weekend, aged 3,. I now have stiff painful hip joints, and feel 20 years older.

CounsellorTroi · 21/10/2020 13:26

I'm a believer in the saying that you don't stop having fun when you get old, you get old when you stop having fun. You don't need your own children to have fun.

Divebar · 21/10/2020 13:29

I’m a youthful person and it has nothing to do with whether I have children or not. I go to exhibitions and ( pre Covid) dinners and gigs etc in London regularly ( although I’m not sure I define that as the measure of staying young” ) My child free friends are all single and neither svelte nor exceptionally tuned into current trends. A couple of them would definitely have like to have kids but are sadly too old now - I think they would change their child free lives for a family if they could.

movingonup20 · 21/10/2020 13:31

My DD's make me feel old! Dd2 looks and dresses so like I did when I was at university, it's uncanny (I don't have many photos from back then I don't think she's ever seen them) I feel ancient seeing her live the life I once had (though I love my life now)

CounsellorTroi · 21/10/2020 13:33

I've often thought it must be a bit tough having a daughter in the first flush of youthful beauty while you are going through the menopause!

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2020 13:45

I've often thought it must be a bit tough having a daughter in the first flush of youthful beauty while you are going through the menopause!
Not at all it is a privilege IMO.
The only tough part is they don't see how perfect they are.
I often say "if she saw yourself how I see her life would be easier"

AuldFox · 21/10/2020 13:45

@CounsellorTroi

I've often thought it must be a bit tough having a daughter in the first flush of youthful beauty while you are going through the menopause!
Never a truer word said! SadGrin
EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2020 13:50

Tbf hedgehog teens will take the piss no matter what.
I'd give them something to laugh at one morning.
It sounds like a fun comfortable happy home anyway. You're sorted.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2020 13:56

I've often thought it must be a bit tough having a daughter in the first flush of youthful beauty while you are going through the menopause!

Never a truer word said!

Seriously. That is awful you had your youth respect theirs.
If you're jealous of your own young DD coming her own your hanging onto a dream. Get over it time is up Grin

Lazysundayafternoons · 21/10/2020 13:57

I'm 30 and while looking through photos with my DS7, he kindly pointed out that I have changed the most since the photos were taken 3-4 years ago. He really emphasised and repeated how much I've changed. A perhaps kind way of saying how much older/heavier/scruffier I look now 🙈.

I put it down to my second ds, which was born last year and following that I had PND. I would honestly say I have mentally and physically aged about 10 years in the last year and a half Shock

I really hope I get a youthful comeback when they are in their teens and I'm in my 40's Smile

IndieTara · 21/10/2020 14:02

I'm 53 with DD11 and I'm permanently knackered!
However I do know about the music She's into, the online games she plays. Her friends, what's important to her so in that respect she's kept me young (ish)

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/10/2020 14:08

Like most things in life, I think it depends on the individual. Children definitely keep you on your toes and I often find myself discussing topics I would know nothing about if it weren’t for my kids, e.g. I asked DS this morning which American football games were coming up ( he’s obsessed) and when he told me, I was able to comment that “Team X was bound to beat Team Y.” He looked at me in astonishment and said he was surprised I was so well-informed. He’s forgotten that he told me all about these teams last week...😂

I would like more time to pursue my own interests, but I do make an effort to try new things when I can. Some of my child free friends seem abit stuck in ruts, tbh, they’re not very flexible in their habits, probably because they don’t need to be. Others are more adventurous and do seem younger in outlook. Again, it’s down to them as individuals.

shinynewapple2020 · 21/10/2020 14:24

When I was child free in my twenties and early thirties I probably presented as younger than friends who had young children at the time .

Now mid-late 50's, we have a 19 year old DS who's currently living with his girlfriend. I think that having a teenager at home made me listen to music and watch TV programmes (generally things about young adults ) that I wouldn't have done otherwise If we go on holiday or out for the day with DS we are much more likely to do fun things than if it's just me and DH.

By ourselves DH and I very much just potter around , occasionally go for a meal, walk the dog. (Even more so in the current climate ).

I have friends who are child free and my experience is that as they got into their 40s and 50s they moved a lot earlier into the stage of life DH and I seem to be in now , as they didn't have children and/ or teenagers to shake them up a bit .

lljkk · 21/10/2020 14:40

I hate the obsession to look young be young. How terrible that 50 yr old women should look like 50 year old women. Only looking like a 20 yr old (or at very worst, a 30 year old) is remotely acceptable.

That is what this thread is saying. More fool me for not realising sooner. Hidden.

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