How do I get over this financial imbalance?

[earthtopluto]

I've been seeing someone for a few months. After an abusive relationship that ended a couple of years ago, I feel very lucky to have met someone so lovely. I have a toddler, and he is childless. I earn very little, he earns a lot (I'm on a low income, he earns at least 140k a year more than me). For some reason, this makes me really quite uncomfortable. I still pay for things, for example when we go out, he tends to pay for the meal, and I'll get us coffees. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but I just feel incredibly awkward every time he pays for anything. I guess my confidence isn't that great either and I don't see why someone so lovely, on such a high income and doing so well in life, is interested in a lone parent on a low income and who struggles month to month. Is anyone else in a similar position? AIBU to feel the way I do? It makes me cringe when the bill comes as I know he will pay for it and I can't afford to cover it all...

Am I being daft?

You’re being daft if you think that him earning all this money makes him “better” than you in some way.

I’d approach this the same as any other relationship. Sounds about right to cover the coffees and he covers dinner if he earns more. Stay aware if you decide to move forward with him - it’s easy to feel like someone is really generous but really their spending parameters are just a lot wider.

If you’re having a good time no reason to end it just yet. Enjoy being treated. Assess him as you would a man on a lot less money!

No, you're not daft. I would also feel uncomfortable in your situation, to be honest, and it's normal and healthy that you do, in my opinion. You want to stand on your own two feet and not depend on anyone, but obviously you cannot pay your way with such a stark difference in income.

I would have an open conversation with him, tell him that you're uncomfortable and why. Just sit down and talk about it. At least it will clear the air. And take it from there.

If he's on 140k more than you I'd expect he's aware that many people don't earn anywhere near what he does. I know it's an awkward conversation but I think you need to talk about it. As. Lot of the things you're feeling are around lack of communication. You're also coming from a good place in term of not wanting him for his money or to take advantage.

You're also laying your card on the table in what your salary means for your lifestyle. And if he wants to do things which cost more with you then he needs to pay. In all honesty if he's on that much money paying for lunches won't really impact on him financially at all.

I really don't think this slight awkwardness you feel re money actually means anything bad for the relationship. Relationships where partners earn differently can work but you need open communication.

I did think to myself at one point that I thought he was being incredibly generous, and whilst I think he is a generous person overall, he actually just has a lot of money to spare and it's easy for him to spend. I know he's generous in other ways which is nice

Yes you are being a bit daft There are two issues here to unpick.

First, you wonder why he would be interested in you because you are a lone parent struggling month to month. Do you think he is evaluating you based on your finances? Do you evaluate him based on his finances? Of course not - you think about whether he's kind, funny, fit, caring, etc. Is it that much of a stretch to believe that that's what he's seeing in you and he doesn't care at all about your financial position? Recognise your good qualities and believe that he is doing the same. I suspect your recent relationship has eroded your self-worth and self-confidence - this is really worth working on.

Second - you feel bad not being able to cover the whole bill. DH and I have gone through phases of earning wildly different amounts. We're married now with fully merged finances, but when we were dating we subscribed to the proportionality of contributions theory. We should each be paying in proportion of what we had coming in. For instance, when I had £3k coming in a month after tax and he had £1k as a student, we felt it was "fair" that he paid 1/4 of what I did for any bills, and that was each of us paying our way. I knew he was doing what he could and that's what counted.

So if you are on £10k, and he's on £150k, then it's "fair" for you to be paying £6 for the coffees and him for the whole bill. Put your hand in your pocket in proportion to what you can afford, he will understand if he's a good 'un. Also, be assertive with what you feel comfortable with - if he's suggesting super expensive things all the time, be up front and say "I can only afford to contribute £10 to dates this week, so can we take a walk with a hot chocolate kicking autumn leaves?" If he says "Don't worry, I want to take you to a Michelin starred restaurant" then just be really up front and say "I can only contribute £10." He is allowed to spend his own money as he wants, even on you!

Yes, I have a horrible fear that he will think I'm with him for his money so feel pressure (that I put on myself) to pay for things I can't afford just to prove that I like him and not his money. Silly really!

I’d probably feel a little awkward but I’d try and suggest we do things that are free or cheap a lot of the time. Then, if he wants to take you out to dinner or theatre, it won’t be very often that he spends £££.

In terms of him being interested, he clearly finds you attractive and you have a nice time together. It would be ridiculous if he didn’t want to date you because you’re going through a tough time financially, wouldn’t it?

Your worth as a partner isn't defined by your income!

If he is happy to pay then just thank him - it's nice to have a partner who wants to share what they have with you.

He might make a lot of money , but it is meaningless if he is alone with it. He likes you , enjoys your company and probably thrilled to have someone to share meals out with.
Let him know you appreciate him , not just the money. I bet he loves that you pay for coffee sometimes, he must feel.that you are treating him too.
Enjoy each other .

If you feel funny about it, maybe plan a date where you tell him you will take care of everything but make it inexpensive. The cost isn't important. Plan a walk and take a picnic and a bottle of wine for instance.

I felt so bad that I could only get him a book for his birthday, but I think you're all right, he seemed really touched by it. OK, I'm being a bit silly. I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it I guess, but I'm just not used to it. I think the fact that my past relationship was financially abusive is playing a big role.

You both sound lovely. Can you try and talk to him about your concerns?

I think a book as a gift is thoughtful. Gifts should not be about the monetary value but the thought behind it. I’m sure he was very pleased.

The fact that you pay for coffees etc demonstrates you’re not a freeloader and I’m sure he realises that. 💐

How did you meet him? What do you have in common?
I think with such a big financial difference such as this if you have a shared common interest, get on extremely well then it probably won’t matter. However if you don’t really have much in common the difference in money may cause issues.
So for example if you are both extremely into climbing or warhammer or stamp collecting then you will have a strong bond over that. If you are both totally different eg he loves outdoors sports and camping and you only like spa days or he only like drinking and football and you like geocaching then you are not likely to clash over money in the distant future when you move intogether eg he might resent subsidising your bills while you are having doing hobbies he doesn’t enjoy but if you are doing a joint hobby he won’t mind as much

I think it is not weird that it makes you uncomfortable. But I do think that if you like this man for reasons other than the money, which clearly you do, and he appears to like you then at some point you need to have the conversation. I think it's great that you pay for the coffees if he's paying for dinner and as someone who has in the past earned more than friends/partners those gestures always meant a lot. However, it would be a mistake to pay more than you can afford just to prove a point.

It's very awkward but at some point you do need to address it. What about next time he suggests a lovely meal out saying something like, "that sounds lovely but I really feel uncomfortable sometimes because I can't afford places like that and I don't want you to feel you have to pay all the time." and see how he responds and take it from there. Most likely, he'll say something like of course he doesn't mind paying because he has the money and that he really appreciates the things you DO do. You can also then agree a middle ground that works eg you suggesting that you take him somewhere cheap and cheerful you like another time or whatever.

You have to discuss this with him so that you both understand each other’s side of this.

You’re being daft. He wouldn’t do it if he didn’t want to and the cost of dinner is probably less of a proportion of his income than the coffees are of yours. I bet he appreciates your wanting to contribute.

I don't think you are being daft. I couldn't be with someone where there was a huge financial imbalance between us (either way). Financial independence is very important to me and I wouldn't be able to get over not having the ability to be so. So I suspect I would have to split up with him or accept that this was just a casual short term relationship.

I’m in the same situation but I’m him, my partner addressed it really bluntly and we talked about it. You should do the same.