To struggle to find things to be assertive about

[peasantfolk]

I'm trying to be more assertive in my daily life because I think I come across as a bit of a silly doormat, people always seem to patronize me and feel a bit sorry for me.

Anyway, over the past few months I've been reading up about being assertive and I'm all raring to put it into practice. But I haven't really been able to yet.

For example, I've read that a big part of being assertive is saying no to things you don't want to do. But most of the time, when people ask me to do things, I am glad to do it. If I don't want to do it or can't for some reason, I have no problem saying no.

Then when it comes to making decisions, someone might ask where I want to go tonight, X place or Y place - both places will sound perfectly fine and equal to me so I have trouble being assertive about something I have no particular preference on. In these situations I'll normally just choose one to avoid getting into a discussion about it.

Are there any more situations I haven't thought about?

Then your problem isn’t that you don’t say no often enough, it’s your manner.

Do you have examples of people patronising you?

There is more to this than you “being more assertive” I think. And there is more to being assertive than saying no.

Is your manner uncertain or meek? Do you giggle? Do you struggle to make statements? Do you overexplain? Those could all be behaviours that are contributing to your silly doormat vibe.

Yes, I think I do come across as quite uncertain and meek. Don't really giggle. And I suppose I do struggle to make statements at times. I don't overexplain, no. So yes, perhaps it's worth looking into that in addition to the assertiveness.

Do you have a preference between place X and place Y? Some people find the 'I don't mind' answer annoying because you're forcing someone else to make the decision and then they will feel the pressure and guilt if the experience is unsatisfactory for any reason - because they chose it.

So if you do have a preference, say so. You've been to place X a few times so would like to give place Y a try this time.

I think I come across as a bit of a silly doormat, people always seem to patronize me and feel a bit sorry for me

Could this be all in your head? Your making up how people see you, rather than it actually being the case.

Or maybe you need to start hanging round with people who will expect you to lend them money, look after their DC, help them move house or all the other cheeky fuckers that people post on here about?

Do you have a preference between place X and place Y? So if you do have a preference, say so. You've been to place X a few times so would like to give place Y a try this time.

A lot of the time, I really don't have a preference. To avoid arguments, I'll just go for one and say X. A lot of the time the other person will go in a huff and say actually they wanted to go to Y, but that's a whole different story... Obviously if I do have a preference, I'll say so.

Could this be all in your head? Your making up how people see you, rather than it actually being the case.

I don't think so, people have talked to me about this before so I don't think it's totally unfounded. Perhaps I'm exaggerating it though, who knows.

Or maybe you need to start hanging round with people who will expect you to lend them money, look after their DC, help them move house or all the other cheeky fuckers that people post on here about?

Haha yeah, maybe the people I know are just too nice :D

To avoid arguments, I'll just go for one and say X. A lot of the time the other person will go in a huff and say actually they wanted to go to Y, but that's a whole different story.

I think this is your opportunity to be assertive. How do you handle it? Could you say something like: "Not much point asking my opinion if my answer annoys you. If you want to go to Y then say it."

Being assertive is about enforcing your boundaries, but you've picked examples where your boundaries are not being crossed.

What crosses your boundaries? What do you do when it happens?

Perhaps I'm exaggerating it though, who knows

YOU knows. This is crux of it. You have your opinion and your feelings, but you yourself are willing to invalidate it.

The whole base of your issue is in how other people see you. Assertive people don't concern themselves much with this. They are too preoccupied with being true to themselves, and know that by doing this, they will end up surrounded by people who respect them, or they won't care what the people they're surrounded by think of them.

So, if the people around you make you feel silly, and patronise you, mix with other people. If you can't (say, they're people at work), then an assertive attitude is 'You're patronising me, but I don't care'/'You think I'm silly, but I don't care.'

“maybe the people I know are just too nice”

“A lot of the time the other person will go in a huff and say actually they wanted to go to Y” ... doesn’t sound like it.

Seriously, if the above is true then it sounds like you also need to work on expressing s little contempt. I would have zero time for that kind of idiocy

Timekeeping/being on time perhaps?

I read an article a couple of years back about the language we sometimes use when communicating particularly at work. Women are more likely to try to sound accommodating / reasonable and it can come across as weak / unassertive. Things like starting an email "sorry to bother you be but...", or "Could you possibly.....". It's been an eye opener for me and I've made a conscious effort to stop doing it since. I don't know if it's made any difference to how my colleagues see me but it makes me feel better!

You say that people have talked to you about this before, could you ask them for specific examples of the kind of thing they meant?

If the situation isn’t arising, don’t worry about it. It’s only important if you have a strong preference and are allowing others to dominate it.

This in interesting because I am EXACTLY the same OP.

People don't patronise me or treat me like a silly doormat or anything (I can actually be a bit snippy, although I might apologise for it afterwards), but I also don't mind saying yes to doing people favours if I'm happy to help, and I regularly have no particular preference for where we go/what we do. DH gets grumpy about "always having to make the decisions", but I've argued that that's because if I make a decision he'll spend the rest of the day making passive aggressive little remarks about why I got it wrong. After 20 years of "you choose for a change, why is it always me?" followed by "Well I wouldn't have chosen this campsite because of x, y and z but maybe that's just me, it's ok I'll just put up with it", I now 2nd guess myself all the time. Indecision seems simpler.

But I am an over-explainer, for sure. I go to great lengths to clarify things, and I can see people getting impatient with me - but if you don't explain fully or you drip feed, people ask endless questions or get annoyed that they didn't get the full picture, so you can't win.

“I go to great lengths to clarify things, and I can see people getting impatient with me - but if you don't explain fully or you drip feed, people ask endless questions or get annoyed that they didn't get the full picture, so you can't win.”

What’s so bad about someone asking questions? That way they can find out exactly what they want to know, instead of having to sit through all the other stuff.

But if you don’t do what you don’t want to do for the sake of pleasing other people, does it really matter? If you can get what you want without sounding argumentative about it I would say you have a natural gift! You sound assertive to me! Perhaps your problem is that you are making assumptions about what an ‘assertive’ person is?

I get you OP. I know a lot of people who argue with their friends / mum / DP etc, I rarely, if ever do.
Part of me thinks it's because I'm a cold hearted bitch and don't really care enough about a lot of things to quarrel over them with someone. Or perhaps I'm not assertive enough either, but ditto above, most things I just don't have enough passion about to be assertive.