To want to be forgiven

[mamamia5]

My son was really ill when he was first born and we were told we might lose him and he has a long term disability as a result. I struggled to bond with him and sometimes in those early days thought it would be better if he didn’t make it. I said some really awful things to my husband at the time about this.

He brought up recently in an argument, which is a few years down the line. I have forgiven myself after medication, counselling and connecting with other parents in similar positions. I understand that I was unwell. I love my kids so much and I think I am a good mum.

I said it was cruel to bring this up, and he said well it’s not cruel compared to what I had said.

AIBU to want him to understand that I was unwell and to forgive me? I get that I hurt him with how I was at that time, but I’m not sure I can contune in a relationship with him otherwise.

YANBU at all. You sound very wise and self aware. You were dealing with trauma and in a very dark place. You’ve done amazingly to come out of the other end and work through your troubles. That takes a very brave and strong person.

Maybe your husband doesn’t understand just how terrible a state you were in? It may be that he needs to talk through what happened with someone to deal with his feelings too? I’m not excusing what he said and he absolutely needs to learn how to let this go because it is cruel of him to bring this up. You do deserve forgiveness.... I’m not even sure forgivenesses is the right words as you didn’t do anything wrong.... you do deserve not to have this held over you.

It sounds as if you have done tremendously well to move on from it, with the help of counselling, medication and the support of parents who have been through the experience.

Is it possible that your dh, without those supports, is still struggling with what happened and what was said at that time?

Maybe some counselling would help him, alone or as a couple?

Obviously if he was just being a dick to score points in an argument then that is a different situation entirely.

Thank you, that’s all really kind of you to say. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear someone else say these things.

I can understand how he might still have difficult feelings, and people forgive at their own pace, which is often slower than we'd like when we're waiting to be forgiven.

But why did he bring it up? If he's using it as a stick to beat you with, that's really not ok. If he's still got stuff to air around the issue, he needs to sit down with you and talk it through. It shouldn't just get thrown into conversation because he's upset with you about something else. That does sound cruel to me.

You are absolutely right that you are no to blame for the things you said.

But your dh might need support to manage his own trauma from this period too.

Have you had counselling together?