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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think a child’s parent being absent

22 replies

Iftheclouds · 19/10/2020 19:45

Would significantly impact on the child? Also lying and saying they will visit the child and not turning up to pick them up?

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 19/10/2020 19:47

More information needed to give a proper answer, but short answer, yes, it would have an impact.

DramaAlpaca · 19/10/2020 19:48

If done repeatedly of course it would.

Itisbetter · 19/10/2020 19:48

Everything has an impact. I would try to avoid that scenario as it would probably be negative.

Flowerpot345 · 19/10/2020 19:48

Yes definately.

AliMonkey · 19/10/2020 19:49

I suspect the lying/not turning up will have more impact than being absent. Ideally yes both parents would be in a child's life but if lying/not turning up are indicative of the sort of person the parent is then the child is probably better off without them - though important I think to have role model of same sex as the absent parent in some form or other.

Imonlydoingwhatican · 19/10/2020 19:49

Yep

Merryoldgoat · 19/10/2020 19:50

Yes of course.

TheRealShatParp · 19/10/2020 19:51

Yes I imagine it will.

emptyplinth · 19/10/2020 19:52

DS had a schoolmate who was anxious, constantly on edge and prone to violence. She had a parent with significant personal issues who frequently missed pick-ups and left her waiting at school.

bakereld · 19/10/2020 19:57

Yes, definitely. My dad repeatedly was absent growing up, left my mum in the lurch, didn't turn up when he said he would to see me/pick me up for my weekends at his.

This behaviour even carried on right up til when I was at uni and just meeting him for lunch, where he either just wouldn't turn up, or text me an hour later saying he was no longer coming.

Damage is done, as much as he tries to have a 'normal' relationship with me now I just don't see him as a 'real' dad.

CastleCrasher · 19/10/2020 20:02

Absent entirely is usually a lot less damaging than constantly letting the child down through lies/lateness etc.

FortniteBoysMum · 19/10/2020 20:03

I was the child with an absent parent. I always wondered if I had siblings etc I didn't know about and did wonder a lot. My son is now that child as his biological father is absent. The difference is I ask my child if he wants to see him but he chooses not to as knows he was let down so often. You do what's best there is no easy answer.

dixiedo · 19/10/2020 20:03

My ex did this all the time.. he was very controlling and I think he had a kick out of it and it was more to punish me in case I had plans than anything to do with my child. Heightened as my child has ASD but I can imagine how disappointing and frustrating it would be for any child and just devastating really as they're left with the "why do they not want to see me" in their heads.
In the end. I stopped telling my child anything. If he turned up it was seen as a surprise and he was Superdad. How amazing that he surprised him and treated him to a few hours of his time. 🙃
It was hard when he used to come home after as my child likes to know what he's doing and was overwhelmed often but it definitely saved having to see him heartbroken.

MJMG2015 · 19/10/2020 20:09

It's less damaging fir that patent to just stay away than to repeatedly let the child down. You need to tell him (it's 99,99> of the time, him) to either step up or step away and if he still keeps letting you child down, stop contact. Be out when he says he's coming etc & don't tell your child he's said he's coming. If he kicks off, tell him to take you to court.

ReallySpicyCurry · 19/10/2020 20:10

Yes it does. Thank goodness in my case the asshole in question did a flit altogether before child was much older, and my DH has filled the role of father since then. Still has had an impact though I think. Makes their foundations a bit wobbly - knowing one of the two people they should be able to rely on can act like that

KittCat · 19/10/2020 20:10

Definitely.

Givemeabreak88 · 19/10/2020 20:11

Yes of course it impacts on the children, my ex is absent and I can see the impact it has on my children, I hate when people say absent parents don’t affect children, it’s simply NOT true, and very dismissive, of course it does!

Quaagars · 19/10/2020 20:32

@Iftheclouds

Would significantly impact on the child? Also lying and saying they will visit the child and not turning up to pick them up?
I don't think the first point would as much as the second - if with a loving, stable parent would most likely be happy. One who kept saying they'd pick them up/take them for days out etc and then bailing and not turning up, I think that'll definitely affect them. Better off without them if they kept doing that.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/10/2020 20:49

@CastleCrasher

Absent entirely is usually a lot less damaging than constantly letting the child down through lies/lateness etc.
This^
Original poster
Iftheclouds · 19/10/2020 21:05

The parent in question used to disappear for about six months at a time sometimes. So not completely absent.

OP posts:
thegcatsmother · 19/10/2020 21:06

Depends why the parent is absent. We had 2 years when dh was working abroad and ds and I stayed in the UK, as it wasn't worth uprooting from home, school and job (also in a school) for a couple of years. We spoke daily though.

My Dad was absent for the best part of a year in my teens as he was on deployment; but we got letters and the odd phone call from various places.

Original poster
Iftheclouds · 19/10/2020 21:07

Absent due to drug addiction and selfish behaviour mainly.

OP posts:
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