What should I do?

[CursesAndMagic]

My 15 month old is generally a very happy little girl and she’s always been a fairly good sleeper for nighttime - not so much for naps. Goes through phases where she’s fab and phases where she’s awful. I had a second daughter in September and I was in hospital for a week and for almost three weeks after was unable to put her down to bed as I had a csection. My partner didn’t struggle to put her down for this time and she never screamed or cried.

When I’ve tried to put her down she clings to me and screams and screams when I try and put her into the cot but won’t go to my partner from me so when he’s at work nap times are a nightmare.

He’s done a few things over the period which has pissed me off like giving her milk at night when she woke so she’s now waking up sometimes for that which I’ve told him he will have to sort because he started it after I weaned her off milk months and months ago at night. She clings to me at night and I’m Worried she’s scared I’m going to leave again even though I’ve been home with her for about a month. I’ve tried since 7pm tonight to get her to sleep and I’ve just had my partner take over as she is getting very worked up. The two times a nap and nighttime I’ve tried to get her asleep I’ve had to leave her 10 mins each time before going in again and eventually she screamed herself to sleep which broke my heart but I don’t want her yo be asleep when put down. He will also occasionally rock her - which I won’t because she’s always been able to self settle and I would do her bedtime every night before I went to hospital.

Is she scared or does she now prefer him?

AIBU to think she doesn’t prefer me anymore?

Gosh that’s a lot for her and you to process. Suddenly she’s not the baby anymore and you weren’t there for, to her mind, a very very long time.

Inevitably it is going to take her a while to process everything.

Just give her time and take her lead on what she wants for a while.

Also, forget what she was doing before. Her world has been turned upside down with the new arrival.

Do what she needs to be happy, and if that is cuddling/rocking for a few weeks to resettle her then so be it

I feel like she maybe prefers him now as she is no trouble for bed for him goes straight down without a peep. With me as soon as I go to put her in the cot she screams.

And just to add, that even without the extra stuff going on, babies of that age quite often find it difficult to go to sleep because they are learning so much in the day and it takes then a long time to wind down etc

@CursesAndMagic

I feel like she maybe prefers him now as she is no trouble for bed for him goes straight down without a peep. With me as soon as I go to put her in the cot she screams.

Well it sounds more like it's the other way round - she doesn't mind him leaving the room, but she doesn't want you to!

She is of course processing everything that happened. It doesn’t mean that she prefers him. It just means that she doesn’t understand what happened.

Effectively mummy was there all the time, did bedtime every night, then she disappeared for ages and ages and reappeared with a baby.

The only thing that you can do is just be there for her until she processes it, and that may mean some lying with her or cuddling her until she falls asleep for a while until
She is reassured that she won’t disappear again

I feel so bad really I thought her settling for him seemed to her like she was more comfortable with him and I’ve really really missed bedtimes. I don’t know if she knows if he puts her down she knows she won’t see me until morning, she got used to him putting her down or she just doesn’t like me leaving. The thing I’m confused about however, she isn’t clingy much in the day. She wants picking up a lot but that’s more to do with the fact she wants everything she sees and can reach more places when she’s picked up. She loves her dad. Gets so excited when she sees him and she loves her sister it’s just that she won’t let me put her in the cot but doesn’t mind in the daytime if he’s home and say I go upstairs for a while to shower or bathe. It’s only putting her in the cot she screams and screams

You sound so lovely and caring about her. Honestly, don’t worry. This is a normal reaction - separation anxiety- she’s worried that she will go to sleep and you will disappear.

The longer you are around for the less that she will think this, until eventually it won’t be an issue anymore

It’s been about a month already 🙀

But you were away almost that long. I would expect it to take quite a while for her to process what is going on.

If the only issue is bedtime then you are doing really well

Why not try doing bedtime together for a couple of nights?

Because she looks at him and screams when I’m holding her. Had to do it tonight where I put her down it cot and left and he came in to take over.
She is fine if I don’t try to put her down and he just does it but If he’s on a late at work he can’t obviously. I was only away a week. Been home almost a month he’s just carried on with bedtimes as I had a section and can’t lean over the cot. I can now so tried bedtime tonight and it was a disaster hahah.

You're describing exactly what happened to us, except DD was 12mo when I went into hospital to have her DSis. I also had an emergency c-section, stay in high dependency and struggled to do much for both her and my new baby for a while.

DD suffered extreme separation anxiety, for a long time. As soon as I was able I took on full bed time responsibility. Her cot was still in my room so I lay in bed while she screamed the place apart. Nearly every night for months she screamed for over an hour but eventually that reduced and now and slowly got better. We are nearly a year and a half on from that now.

DD also never cried with DP at bed times, and she went straight to sleep for him without a fuss. We realised it was because she wasnt bothered about seeing him 😂 Even now, she will wake in the night crying. When she sees me she milks it for all it's worth, cuddles, soothing strokes of her hair etc. When he goes to settle her she just lies back down like 'it's just dad, what's the point' because she knows he wont pander to her. I cant help myself though, she went through a lot and I love giving her cuddles.

My DM went to visit relatives for a few days when we were toddlers. My DB suffered separation anxiety and wouldn't leave my DM's side. Took her 6 to 7 months of slowly putting more distance between them so he felt comfortable playing in the garden without feeling his DM was going to disappear again. So, it can be a long process but it does get better.

Thank you so much for your reply it’s really helpful. She’s only like this at night though? In the day if I leave for a shower or anything she doesn’t bat an eyelid.

Thank you all