Help required

[Rhubarbgingergin]

I've name changed and I'm posting in here for traffic but this isn't an AIBu. This is a"he's dangerous, how do we deal with it"

Background: my nephew is 25 now. My sister and I have always suspected there's something "off" about him but when he was at school they would never deal with it. His little brother sadly died when he was only 2 in a tragic accident and my nephew was there at the time. School always blamed the trauma of this on why he was like he was and wouldn't do any kind of referral
He's got huge anger issues which can trip for no reason. It's almost like a red mist comes down and there's absolutely no reasoning with him when he's like this. He will text (usually wanting money) and if you don't answer in 10 seconds you get a stream of texts that are just a ? Or ?? And these will continue until either you answer him or something else comes along to divert him
He can't hold down a job - he usually gets sacked for being on his phone or losing the plot with someone or for doing the texting thing with ?? Constantly when he doesn't get the answer he wants immediately.
He bullies my sister to give him money. She has no money. She's a part time carer with health issues of her own that make it hard for her to work full time. She has run through £130000 in 3 years that she was left by our dad when he died and I'm guessing he's had most of it.
She's admitted today that she's scared of him.
His father is a waste of space and the one good thing my sister did was to finally leave him but the £30k equity from their house has gone as well.
He's previously had endless money from me until I wised up that he was paying off his weed suppliers and he has since stolen money from me that was well hidden - including £300 cash donations given at his grandads funeral which I had to make good. If he asks me now he only gets it if I can actually pay off the debt he owes my self direct. I won't give him money into his own account - he usually refuses which is a good sign he's blagging me for cash to spend on himself
I've been in a restaurant where he kicked off because they overcooked his steak he'd waited 40 minutes for and have never been so mortified in my life. He was incandescent with rage
I'm posting this because we don't know where to go or what to do with him. He won't accept he has problems - we suspect ADHD but I have no idea really. He won't see a GP - we think embarrassment ? Admitting he has an issue ?
I've said my sister needs to speak to the police on 101 and then every single time he loses it dial 999 in the hope he'll be forced by them to deal with his issues but I said this because it's the only thing I can think of that's serious enough - he is known to them because his dad used to ring them when he started on him
Does anyone have any suggestions of what we can do please - and please be kind as my sister is beside herself at the end of her tether with it all and I'm worried about her mental health.

He has to acknowledge that he needs help and engage with advice before anything else can happen.

I would set out my boundaries/rules. If he can’t respect that, I would distance myself.

Please think carefully about assigning his behavior to ADHD or any other “label”. It is my experience that some people just never learn to socialise and respect others. That is a personality trait.

Yes I'm sure you're right. I've said the same thing but it's beyond that now. He won't even listen to the idea there's anything wrong with him. I've said she has to throw him out and change the locks and only let him back if he's got help but that's a hard thing to do. Easier said than done

No, there's definitely a wire shorting somewhere. I would never label someone. There's something wrong with him but I don't know enough to know what it is.

He's a selfish, entitled, arsehole with weed brain rot.

Sadly, I know exactly the sort of person your nephew is, as I’ve one like that in my family. It’s agonising to deal with, the constant second guessing yourself, living in fear of the next outburst and violent episode, being terrified of the phone ringing in case it’s either he’s in prison or they’ve found a body, it’s utter hell.

Unfortunately, unless he’s willing to accept that he has an issue, there’s nothing that I can think of that works. We’ve tried bloody everything. I guess my best advice to your sister would be to protect herself, kick him out and let him sink to the bottom (whilst letting him know when he reaches it she’ll be there to support him getting out) in the hope that he’ll realise he needs help. At some point a parents job has to be done, and if she can’t do anymore then that’s her reaching the point imho. It’s devastating, it’s awful to do, but she needs to protect herself and her own mental health - who wants to spend the rest of their life dealing with this shit?

I’m sorry if the above comes across as harsh, I don’t mean it to be! It’s just we reached that point and it’s heartbreaking. Drugs won for us to this point, but I’m eternally hopeful it won’t win in the end.

If he lives with her sister she needs to get him out. She should ring her own gp for her own health, the police every time he kicks off. He is an adult and a bully. Womens Aid may offer suggestions of how your sister can find peace and safety in her own home.

@MuchTooTired and @FlitterMouse exactly what I've said to her on the phone this morning. I'm guessing I know the answers and you're all going to confirm it. It's persuading her it's what she has to do. I did hope someone would have some better ideas than mine.

@chickenyhead Yep. It helped I think she's spoiled him. Losing his little brother was tough for them all but she's over compensated for it over the years and now he is completely entitled. There are the massive anger issues though. They're not entitlement. They're a mental problem of some kind. I don't think the weed has helped either.

I have an uncle like this. Regardless of any diagnosable conditions being present, he will not get better being enabled.

My whole family are enablers. It’s ridiculous and they are being bled dry by his behaviour.

Your nephew needs to accept there’s a problem but if he won’t then it’s time to cut ties for good.

Is there any suggestion he was implicated in his brother's death, OP? Or might he think he was responsible in some way?

I wouldn't give/lend him a penny, tbh. He's had well over £100,000 off his mum in three years - nobody should be giving him any more money.

Is he living with his mum now?

If he lives with her sister she needs to get him out. She should ring her own gp for her own health, the police every time he kicks off.

Well obviously this and your sister will need reassurance and support that it is the right thing to do. But you can't force her to do this she has to reach that point herself.

However, what you can do is the equivalent on your own behalf. Refuse to engage with him at all. Do not ever lend him money or let him in to your house. Do not socialise with him. If he is threatening to you or you suspect he has stolen from you then report to the police.

@5foot5 I finally blocked him 2 weeks ago. I said I'd never do it as I wanted him to have somewhere he could go to when his Dad was there being an arse but now my sisters money has finally run out he's back to begging off me and I won't put up with it anymore.
I left it this morning that she would call her lovely gp and go and speak to her and to call 999 if he starts again but I've had to pay her rent today and give her shopping money which I doubt I'll ever get back so it impacts me as well.

@Rhubarbgingergin - I know you were doing it to be kind but I'm not sure paying your sister's rent was the best idea, as you're enabling her to enable him.

Assuming her rent doesn't go out on payday could she not transfer you the majority of what she earns when she gets it, so she can truthfully tell him she doesn't have any money to give him?

I’d put money on it not just being weed too tbh. I’m not disputing that there’s mh issues (there was for mine as well!) but the drugs don’t help. Unfortunately, even if you can get him to agree to see a psychiatrist, get a diagnosis and a prescription, you still can’t force him to take it unless he wants to.

Until he reaches that point there’s nothing anyone else can do, it’s all on him.

I think there’s some support groups online and with a telephone number you could seek support with, I’ll have a google and see if I can find any if you’d like?

@TimeIhadaNameChange I know but I can't see her get evicted. I should have asked for the landlords and details really and paid it direct. I've told her to change the standing order date to her pay day going forwards so at least her rent is covered.

@MuchTooTired would you mind ? I have no idea what I'm looking for really. I lead a quiet blameless life and this is all too much for me. My mum & dad would be mortified if they could see what was going on with him. Good job they're no longer here 😥

@HollowTalk absolutely not. He was only 7 when it happened. He was there in the park when it happened though on a different part. I do think psychologically he will think he should have been able to save him. It was a tragic accident.

Has he had counselling for it? My sister broke her leg when she was 3 and I blamed myself for decades even though I was only 7 at the time. It was only in therapy in my thirties that I really processed this and realised it wasn't my responsibility. I don't know how anyone would handle a death at that age.

@bitheby no I don't think he did. Or if he did not for long. I've always said he should have.