Overcoming financial disparity?

[grenlei]

Just wondering how any of you would do this, or have done.

I'm the one with more money, I have a house worth a fair bit of money with no mortgage. However I have only a tiny pension. I'm late 40s.

My DP is a few years younger, no assets although he is trying to develop his business (which could with luck turn out to be very successful). Even if not, his earning capacity due to the field he works in is greater than mine - he currently earns considerably more than me, but limits his income for tax reasons (this will all change when IR35 is enforced and he gets a paye role, but he'll still be earning more).

At the moment we live separately but the short term plan is to rent a place together (mainly for him though I will be there about 1/3 of the time) and in 2-3 years look to buy. However it's likely the deposit would be funded entirely by me, and I know this makes him uncomfortable. He's previously said - not that marriage is necessarily a big deal to either of us - that he couldn't marry me because of the difference in our financial positions. I don't want to get married particularly but I don't want it to be off the table for this reason. I couldn't care less how much money he has, he earns more than me and the fact he has no assets isn't a big deal, but clearly it does have more significance to him.

AIBU to think it's no big deal? It does have some impact, for example in terms of our future home I'd like a detached house with land, at least 4 beds (I have young adult DC who live with me, and who in future I'd like to be able to visit) but he thinks this is a bit grandiose and expensive, and unrealistic on our joint budget - whilst I could afford it on my own he's right in that I want either to give my DC a sizeable deposit for their homes if I sell my current house, or let them live here and pay rent if I decide not to sell.

It is a big deal in that you need to protect the money you put towards deposit separately in a contract if you move in together or marry.
It makes no difference in other ways though and is quite old fashioned that the man has to have bigger input.

It is a big deal. I would be ringfencing what I had prior to moving in together to protect your DC. I would expect a man to do the same.

Small pension would worry me.

We would buy any property as tenants in common. I'm not sure to what extent you can ring fence the deposit but I would do that as far as possible.

Not much I can do about the pension, I worked for years for companies who didn't offer workplace pensions and once my current employer started one up I was initially only able to put a minimal amount in. I contribute more now but the pot is still tiny. DP has little or no pension pot either.

I think we're both in agreement over protecting the deposit. But even so I can't make us equal, it just isn't possible. The alternative is to rent longer term but that feels a waste of money.

I think it's sad that he couldn't marry you as you have more money.

Throughout history, women have got married and been the less money partner due to giving up work to raise children, but somehow it is feeling different to him as a man? Bit crap to me.

FWIW both myself and DH were very pro-marriage - we loved each other enough to marry so we were going to do it and who had more didn't really come in to it. I have more (a lot more) now but in the future by inheritance the tables will be turned.

Appreciate it is a different situation as you already have DC to think of but I'm not really impressed with his position at all. Marriage isn't about being equals who are exactly the same, it's about being a team and sharing.

Marriage isn't a big thing to me really, I've never been married. But saying it can't happen because I've got too much money essentially made me a bit sad. I'm not that wealthy, I've just worked hard and made a lot of sacrifices over the years. He was married before but they both started with nothing and it was very equal as they always earned similarly.

We have been together some years now,
although we get on brilliantly and are a great team it's been a bumpy ride (it's a long distance thing and they're never easy) but I'm just not sure how to overcome this hurdle really.

I think that’s a bit weird and insecure of him. Dh and both earn well, actually him slightly more than me. But my family is certainly much better off and there is family money. I brought about £250,000 to the deposit for our first house (Dh had saved about £50,000 over several years of very hard work). No big deal and I can’t see why it would be. We have a lovely home and financial security. We’re married and it’s family money. If we divorced I’d have no trouble sharing that money (obviously we have no plans to divorce and are happily married), because our dc deserve a good life. It seems very insecure and a bit selfish to not want to share nice things with you (like marriage and the security it can bring) just because he isn’t in the financially superior position. Do you think he really wants a shared life or is this just an excuse and it’s about something bigger?

I think if I were in your shoes my main question and concern would be why he has no assets if he earns so much more than you. Is he financially irresponsible? If not, where has all the money he earns gone?

Different spending behaviour has the potential to cause issues down the line much more than your respective starting positions, IMO.

I do think he wants a shared life. He's uncomfortable with me having more money, and if I put myself in his position I can see I might also feel a bit odd about it.

I know why he doesn't have any assets, he was in low wage jobs for a long time (whereas I went to uni so was earning more from the off) and had to work his way up, he incurred a lot of debt which he spent years paying off. He also came off financially badly from his divorce. More recently he's been earning a lot but putting money into his business to minimise tax etc. He's a bit on the fence about home ownership generally because he says he has no one to leave it to so what's the point? (where he lives you can rent cheaply, think £600 for a new build 3 bed terrace, £8-900 for a 4 bed detached). But I think knowing it's important to me he is prepared to own rather than rent long term.

I assume he doesn't want people to say he is after your money and I respect him for that.

In terms of buying a house.... as you both have limited personal pension buying a house is the sensible option - £600 might be cheap rent now but when you are only getting a state pension and not much more it wont feel so cheap. Owning a hime isn't just about leaving something to your children.

Could you afford to rent your house out, use the equity as a deposit on a house to buy together? The rent might pay your mortgage.

Or sell up and use some or all to buy your share and your partner has a mortgage for his share. He also doesn't have to own half the house. If buying a bigger house is more important to you could you go 60/40? How would he feel about that?

There are options to protect each partner financially and to be honest, as you have children and the money he is actually looking out for you more than him.

I'm happily married but if at some point in the future I'm not I don't see myself remarried as I want to protect my money for my children.

I grew up in social housing and it always felt quite precarious to me, it's why I bought my first house as soon as I could. I wanted to know that I owned the roof over my head. I appreciate that I was fortunate to be able to do so, price rises mean in the area I live in that is very difficult for young people nowadays.

My plan was to buy somewhere together either by renting out my house (whether to my DC and their friends, or to others), or selling the house, giving some money to DC and using the rest to fund the purchase of the new property. I have a decent amount of savings which I could use as deposit - he has a similar amount but it's tied into his business.

I have been seeing this as a negative but I think actually I should probably look at it as a positive, at least in some ways ie that he is considering the imbalance, and wants me to protect my position - and isn't trying to take advantage.