To think social media is taking away my happiness

[northofthewalls]

I think I’m addicted to other people’s lives on social media.

Most days I scroll through Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat and look at what everyone is up to.

I sit and get myself upset that I’m not doing what someone else is doing, I don’t have the money to buy what that person is buying,
me and my husband haven’t had a recent date night like that person and her husband have.
That person looks a much better mum than I am.
That person looks more fashionable and prettier than me.

I don’t post on social media and I haven’t for a while but I still go on every day to look at what other people are doing.

I have tired deleting the apps and not going on, but then I feel like I’m disconnected from
things, friends / family tend to just post their news on Facebook now rather than actually texting or calling someone.

I also like Facebook for the mum pages I follow, I’m in a really good group for outdoor activities in my area which I find useful.

I think in some way I must be unhappy if I’m so concerned about other people’s lives, but I have a husband and we had our first baby this year so I have lots to be happy for and I am happy, yet I still feel the need to go on there.

Sometimes I think I go on to find inspiration on things to do with my husband and baby.
I’m not very creative and I don’t have a lot of good ideas so I do like to get ideas from other people.

Why am I so obsessed even though it’s making me not see my own happiness.

Please delete the apps. Any big news from family and friends will be told to you, the other stuff (we went here there and everywhere) is just filler. Focus on you and your family, delete. You will be better off

I have seen loads of posts like this and its definitely a common theme.

A lot of people will tell you to come off social media and if its really distressing you might want to think about that.

FWIW though, I think a less scorched earth solution is to reframe the way you see it. People post only their best sides on social media: you don't see the stuff that makes them miserable.

So the person who is advertising the date night with their husband is probably doing it for the first time in two years and only because she nagged him to get off his phone and arrange something for months prior.

The people posting the nauseating #makingmemories pictures of their kids crafting have just done this to appease them after a huge row.

Social media is what you make it. Personally I treat it as a way to keep contact with people I don't have the time to see, and for that its brilliant. But you have to train yourself not to see it as a constant mirror of a better world.

Very few people put an unfiltered, warts-and-all account of their lives on social media. Every so often I take a break from Facebook and it genuinely does help. In fact I might just do that today.

I think it's so easy to feel like this.

Just try to remember those polished lives you see are not representative of reality.

The fun looking activities are staged
The beautiful people are airbrushed
The happy kids are screaming as soon as the fun stops
The mums are living in their pajamas 5 days a week
The date nights end in rows

It's not all what it seems

But you do know that it doesn't reflect reality, don't you? My friend posts photos from the fabulous holidays they go on - her marriage is not good at all. I post photos of great family days out when DH might have spent the whole day in a sulk. It's not all fake but it doesn't show the whole picture.

Please, please put your phone away and concentrate on your lovely baby. (I am so glad social media/smart phones weren't around when my DCs were tiny as I know I would have spent far too much time on it, at their expense 😕.)

I’ve had these exact same feelings and thoughts recently and it totally affected my mental health. I was in constant comparison mode and it made me think really negatively of some of my friends - it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve recently deleted Instagram and would have deleted Facebook but like you I use it for some support groups so I’ve kept it. However I have hidden all my friends on it so when I log on to the app I only see the content from the groups I’m in. I have the option to drop onto my friends’ pages for a nosy if I want to but I’m the one in control.

I urge you to work out how to use social media for what you like and get rid of the parts that make you feel bad.

I have a Facebook account with 0 friends on there! If anyone asks if I have Facebook my reply is no. I like to use Facebook for local groups and pages which I have interest in, that’s enough for me.

Can you unfollow certain accounts which ate making you feel bad while still being able to view the groups you find useful? If not then I would delete the apps. As a pp said, important family news will be passed on to you, all you will miss is the ‘we went here, we did this’ type of news.

I have the same issue with MN.

I agonise over issues that get aired on here when I really shouldn't.

I take some of the hatred that spews out here personally, despite the fact I know that's ridiculous.

BTW even though it affects me I am categorically not in favour of some kind of draconian "be nice" compulsion.

I think it's important to know the kind of people that actually exist - even though they may not be representative.

I canned Facebook BTW as it's a Corporation without morals that ignores UK laws.

@Muma11

I have a Facebook account with 0 friends on there! If anyone asks if I have Facebook my reply is no. I like to use Facebook for local groups and pages which I have interest in, that’s enough for me.

@Muma11

I like this idea!

Get an app that restricts your access. If you know you've only got half an hour a day, you'll focus on the important things, not the meaningless scrolling.

OP, I have felt this so many times too.

There is someone I follow and Instagram and I find myself getting totally sucked in by her lifestyle and comparing it to my own. But I try to remember what really makes me, my DD and husband happy in real life - and it certainly isn't wooden toys, twee outfits, bouncy blow drys and staged pictures. When you really think about what must go into curating these lifestyles you start to realise all that glitters is not gold.

I second a previous posters suggestion of an account with 0 friends. I did this recently when I took a Facebook break for similar reasons to you. You can still follow your groups and check information on local events etc without having friends 'best birthday present ever from best husband ever' status with a picture of them and their husband next to their brand new range rover 😁

It’s a common way to feel. I deleted all social media a few years ago but I don’t think it really made me any happier. I was a SAHM at the time so it just totally disconnected me from the world and I felt lonelier than ever. I only have Instagram now and I don’t compare myself to others which is probably key. I always remind myself that a photograph is just a snapshot, they might actually be the most depressed person ever despite looking ridiculously happy.

I would keep my social media accounts if I were you as it is hard to disconnect completely. But... it is absolutely true that most of what you see is just projection of how other people want you to see their lives and you shouldn't let it make you feel bad. It's all fiction. If you are having a really great time, you aren't thinking about how to post it on Instagram - you are living the moment! It's a shame that so many people's lives are now essentially a stage for social media. I have had a few friends posting anniversary gushing posts to/ about their DH when their relationships have been on the rocks. Why does anyone living with their partner need to write the anniversary message on Facebook. They don't - they are basically doing it to show off! I used to work with a really nasty girl - unpleasant and rude whenever it suited her. Her FB page made her seem like the most caring and lovely person ever. Please don't let this ruin your happiness. Social media is totally superficial and is no reflection of real life.

I do have to point out it isn't always fake what you see on FB. I post photos of myself and DP going on lots of trips and breaks away (pre covid) and we genuinely were and are as happy as we look. But this year has been tough as it is for everyone and if we posted photos now our lives certainly would not look so exciting.

there are pros and cons to fb and the rest but i've never had an account on any of them as they don't interest me and reading about ops experiences make me think i'm not missing anything anyway.
hope things get better for you soon op.

I kinda feel like if you feel upset seeing other people looking happy the issue is with your own life and emotions, not with social media. It is a tool and you have control over how you use it.

I say this as someone who has been in a bad place with it at times and had to withdraw. I find actually phoning a friend and connecting with someone directly helps.