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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(Teenage) Love in the Time of Corona

32 replies

EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 19:43

AIBU to think that teens starting a relationship in the middle of this pandemic is not okay due to social distancing and transmission of the virus? Really interested to hear how other parents feel about it because I am struggling with knowing how to go forward with this dilemma.

Ordinarily, I would be very happy for DS16 to be in a relationship but given the risk of transmission of C-19 I just don't feel it's responsible. We have discussed it and I feel awful for having any doubts. It would be his first proper relationship and that's making me feel worse ie that I'm standing in the way of this rite of passage. He understands my concerns but still thinks IABU so we're at a bit of a stale mate. Of course, I fully appreciate that regardless of what I say, if he wants it to happen then it will (from experience of older son & remembering my own teenage years!). We are in a Tier 1 area if that's of any relevance.

OP posts:
mamaoffourdc · 18/10/2020 19:45

You are in the lowest risk tier, so he is able to met with you to 6 people. Is he at school/college with this person?

Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 19:48

Yes they're at the same school although not in any of the same classes. It's not so much the hanging out bit that concerns me. DS has been regularly meeting with friends outside of school, adhering to SD & rule of 6 etc.

OP posts:
TigerDroveAgain · 18/10/2020 19:49

If you’re in Tier 1, then people in “established” relationships don’t have to socially distance. However if this is a new relationship they should in theory be socially distant. Good luck with that! However I wouldn’t stop him from making connections, it’s the logistics which is complicated

Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 19:49

I guess what I'm trying to say is that whilst he has been out with his friends, the risk of transmission is going to be significantly higher if he's kissing/holding hands & well, you know the rest!

OP posts:
Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 19:52

@TigerDroveAgain Absolutely! As you say, new relationships are being discouraged as far as I understand it but is it unreasonable to expect teens to adhere to that?
I was actually really happy for him to have made this connection with this girl. He can be very shy and he's just started a new 6th Form so I was thrilled that he has settled so well and has already established a group of friends.

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 18/10/2020 20:01

I’m in the same boat as you op. My ds has a new girlfriend & although it is worrying, I’m not going to say he can’t see her. I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over. One day.

Todaythiscouldbe · 18/10/2020 20:04

DS is 16 next month, he has been with his girlfriend for 8 months, I wont be saying he can't see her. To expect people to not have any form of meaningful relationship for what could be years on end is both unrealistic and totally unfair.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/10/2020 20:07

I don't think they should be breaking rules but as long as they're careful I think they should crack on. There are a really olny a few years to have that crazy OTT puppy love relationship and covid could stretch out to take up a whole year of that time. I'd be inclined to let them go for it but make sure they're responsible.

TheLastStarfighter · 18/10/2020 20:11

I’m normally very much a rule follower, but I wouldn’t stand in their way. This is time they won’t get back. If it was a different girl every week, that would be different, but his first proper girlfriend ...I don’t think you should intervene.

musicalfrog · 18/10/2020 20:14

I think the hormones will be too strong and you will be ignored even if you try to stop them (much like in non pandemic times then!)

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 18/10/2020 20:14

I've followed all the rules and I'd let it go. As in a pragmatist and I know that letting him see her will be better than him kicking ifd and going to see all his mates instead.

Offtothedogs · 18/10/2020 20:19

I honestly think it's completely unacceptable that the government is legislating how human relationships are conducted, whether between teenagers or adults. Seeking and finding love is a basic, fundamental part of being human. This could go on for another year-18 months - there's just no way people are going to stop forming relationships for that amount of time. I have single friends in their late thirties who are still hoping to meet someone to start a family with - should they just give up on that?

And of course teenagers can't and shouldn't be asked to refrain from getting together (in every sense) indefinitely, at the point in their lives when their bodies and brains are exploding with hormones. Cruel to try and make them (cruel as a society I mean; it's a difficult position to be in as a parent).

ohnoitsnot · 18/10/2020 20:29

YABU I get where you are coming from , and of course we should all follow the rules where we can , but it's such a big sacrifice to ask of our children to postpone what should be the best years of their lives . My DD (16) has just started a new relationship at college and I don't apologise for allowing her to enjoy it .

Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 20:29

Thank you for all the replies. Everything that is being said reflects what I feel in my heart. It's just my head saying we must stick to the rules. I've found it so difficult watching the DCs be deprived of social interaction and that somewhat fleeting opportunity of teens/early 20s to be totally carefree.

@musicalfrog Completely agree with you. I'm worried that if we say no then he will go ahead and do it anyway. He's a good kid but geez, hormones coupled with months of lockdown and social distancing is enough to test the most chaste of individuals, let alone a teenage boy venturing into his first relationship!

We have such a good relationship and I can't bear for this to come between us. He's totally smitten with this girl and really wanted to talk to me about her. I just desperately want him to be happy.

Thank you so much for sharing your views. It's really difficult for everyone and I really appreciate that you have taken the time to reply.

OP posts:
HostessTrolley · 18/10/2020 20:30

It’s terrible for young people at the moment. My Dd (20) has been in a relationship for 2.5 years. They’re both second year uni students in different towns. In the first year they spent alternate weekends at each other’s place and it worked well for them. During lockdown they were together 24/7 - for six months. Have gone back to uni for year 2, but she’s in london which is now tier 2 - despite his tier 1 town having a higher infection rate. So they can meet outside but can’t stay at his flat or hers. She said it’s not (just!) about sex, they can’t cuddle up and watch a film, or cook together, or have a private conversation and just chill. They could sneak each other into their flats, but neither wants to put their flatmates into an awkward position.

If it was for a couple of weeks or a couple of months then that’s one thing, but this is not looking that way.....

Racoonworld · 18/10/2020 20:37

That’s so unfair to stop him doing what humans do, a relationship at 16 is a rite of passage and will set him up for future relationships in the future. Teenagers will do it anyway.

TrickorTreacle · 18/10/2020 20:47

16 to 24 is the demographic worst affected by covid. Hospitality sector slashed, even less likely to get a house. There are fewer places to go on dates e.g. bowling and cinema, all nightclubs closed, teens having to live a (mostly) digital life rather than face-to-face. School grades in jeopardy, including 2021 grades. I really feel for them.

Cut them some slack.

Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 20:50

@HostessTrolley That must be so difficult for your DD and her BF. And I agree that it would be the lack of general intimacy & privacy rather than just the sex that would be difficult to deal with. They're being incredibly respectful of their flat mates. My eldest is 2nd Year at uni and he has been telling me that so many students are flouting the rules and doing so without consideration of their house mates. Thankfully his household aren't part of that behaviour but it is worrying.

@Racoonworld Absolutely. I have been in tears trying to get my head around the idea of preventing him having this relationship (as if that would even be possible!). We have rigidly stuck to all the rules so far but this one feels like a situation that makes me very uncomfortable. I think it might do irreparable damage to our relationship because, as others have said, we have no way of knowing how long this will go on for.

Have just had another chat with DH and we have come to the conclusion that better to let him go ahead with our blessing, as it were, and maintain an open dialogue. There's little in the way of social distancing in school anyway (despite best efforts). One of the possible scenarios would be that if his GF were to come into contact with someone C-19 positive outside of school, he wouldn't want to tell us because he's not supposed to be with her. That would be worse. Not to mention the toll on his mental health.

Again, thank you. It's been so helpful.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 18/10/2020 21:04

He can take her for walks, winter picnic in the park , ice skating later and as they're outdoors they'll be keeping their clothes on , so the relationship develops gently at a nice slow pace , so much more comfortable and romantic Love in Covid Could be quite a blessing really.

Todaythiscouldbe · 18/10/2020 21:10

@2bazookas

He can take her for walks, winter picnic in the park , ice skating later and as they're outdoors they'll be keeping their clothes on , so the relationship develops gently at a nice slow pace , so much more comfortable and romantic Love in Covid Could be quite a blessing really.
I remember being a teenager. They currently can't even hold hands as, even outdoors, you should social distance. This could go on for years. To expect nobody to form a relationship is unreasonable.
Todaytomorrow09 · 18/10/2020 21:17

My teenager at the start of Covid in March had been in a relationship for a year at that point - both parents followed the guidance/law and both of them respected that - it was hard for them but as rules slowly changed - they had social distanced walks and picnics (embarrassing with either parent at a distance) We did hear a lot of such and such is meeting up why not us.
We as parents thought it was the right thing to do as teaching them to follow the rules.
It’s difficult as they are still together and are worried that lockdown /tier changes - but like we said to them this will prepare you for the distance once you start university.
It’s hard as they are missing out on life experiences and mistakes to learn from :(

Pikachubaby · 18/10/2020 21:18

My 17yr old has a girlfriend and I would not dream of telling him it’s not ok because of corona

I think it’s overly controlling and also being overly fearful

I think most teens will catch it soon enough anyway

Cuddling57 · 18/10/2020 21:19

Glad to see the replies on here.
I agree with everyone I would support it too and I try to follow the rules.
Their lives will be affected enough by everything going on - let them have some fun.
It's only one connection - it's not like they are going out partying every night in a packed place with lots of different people.
How exciting for them Grin

Original poster
EdinaMonsoon · 18/10/2020 21:22

@2bazookas DS is very much a romantic. From our chat earlier today I know that he loves the idea of doing all the kinds of things you’ve suggested. He’s totally smitten & told me he wants to take things slow - in part, I think, because he is so shy but also because that’s in his nature. But I agree with @Todaythiscouldbe that it’s a lot to ask them not to even hold hands & to be regular teenagers.

OP posts:
Comefromaway · 18/10/2020 21:23

My 16 year old began a relationship in March. He knew her already and they started by going for outdoor walks. He saw no other friends at all during this time.

By July we began to treat her like a member of the family. She has been so good for him and he for her. He was really struggling mentally. I’ve decided no matter what I will not keep them apart.