DD change of access short notice

[lobster8]

I don't have a particularly harmonious relationship with EXH, DD father. We have an access arrangement in place for last 18 months (since split) which was exactly the one he requested. Not court agreed, I basically gave in to what he wanted which is a whole other issue and he is always pushing for more time but for many reasons I don't think this would be beneficial to DD and he refuses to go to mediation. So basically it's a on going source of tension that rears it head every so often.

He has two days off in the week rather than the weekend, so he picks dd up from school Monday, has her Tuesday and Wednesday (his days off) and brings her back Thursday morning. She is with me the remainder of the week.

There are numerous issues with his behaviour which aren't hugely relevant so I'm going to try and keep this concise. He basically refuses to communicate with me beyond the door step when DD age 4 is present, which obviously restricts content of any conversations. He has form for crying on the door step begging me for more time with her, whilst she's in his arms at drop off. But when I say, let's talk about this on the phone another appropriate time he won't. Or if I message him and ask to talk about DD access or basically anything (always relevant to DD) he either completely ignores me or replies 3-4 days later. He will never agree to discuss it on the phone. He also has a long history of 'telling' me what we are doing regarding access and requests, rather than appreciating in anyway that I have a life and a full time job to organise too.

I know that long term the best option would be to get an arrangement formally drawn up, but he is so exhausting to try and communicate with and it will cause a lot of drama. I don't wish to impede his relationship with DD, but he takes any suggestions I make which I feel are in her best interests as an attack to try and stop him seeing her. It's bloody hard work.

Anyway. He has made no mention of half term and I have arranged my diary so that I am available to look after her till 3:15 Monday, on the assumption he will be sticking to usual agreement and picking her up at same time but from home not school. He has now text me this morning, asking if he can pick her up at 1:30 tomorrow instead.

AIBU to say no, it's too short notice? I work from home at the moment, and I have rescheduled my whole week around being off with her Monday. I know it's no huge detriment to me if he picks her up a little earlier but it's the attitude that my time is completely irrelevant and he can mess me around short notice. I'm not sure if this is me being petty however and if I'll be making relations between us even tenser without good reason. I'm just fed up with him always getting everything exactly how he fancies it, whenever he changes his mind.

For a couple of hours earlier I don’t think it’s worth getting stressed or annoyed about - pick your battles as they say .

I understand your frustration as these situations are draining but I’d just let it go and let him collect earlier.

Enjoy the few extra hours to yourself .

Either ignore him as he ignores you or reply “we have plans, DD will be ready to go at usual time of 3:15.”

Has he said why, is it for a particular activity?

This is the other thing about it that niggles me, on the rare occasion he texts me for something it's always short notice and requires a pretty immediate reply, but he can never extend me the same curtesy.

In fairness I'm pretty annoyed at him about other ways I feel he's taking advantage of me at the moment, so appreciate that's probably colouring my perspective of this request...

He hasn't said why and I doubt it will be for any activity, I imagine it's probably because he's realised he could finish work a little earlier and as she's not in school could have that extra 2 hours with her.

We actually do have something on, which means if I did agree he couldn't pick her up till 2 but I could extend him that I suppose. It's the principle I'm battling with!

If you have plans, then the answer is obviously 'no'.

If you feel inclined, offer him the 2pm pick up, but make it clear that this is a compromise.

And get on with sorting out formal access agreement. You'll be so relieved when it's in place.

Logical head agrees with the PP comment of "pick your battles" - but if you want to be really arsey, just text that you have the day scheduled, too late to rearrange, get back at 3pm.
Enjoy unloading supermarket shopping at 3pm in full view.
Clearly, if current plans mean not getting back until 2pm, don't reschedule that.

I’d say that if 2pm is no bother to you then agree to that. He’s getting a compromise but he’s not getting all his own way.

Re the mediation, you arrange it then they call him and he has 4 weeks to respond I think, or that’s how it works with divorce. If he doesn’t respond you will be given a document that you can then use when applying to the court to prove that you have already tried this avenue and failed.

In your position I would be inclined to go this way, as once a CAO is in force he can’t mess you about. It will rid you of having short notice requests thrown at you while your communications are ignored. You’ll both know exactly where you stand and he won’t be able to make extra requests without breaching the order. I know court is a drag but it can really help where one parent is being an arse. it’ll also put the shits up him big time.

The other thing i’ll say is that if his motives are paying less CM, which I know some NRP’s motives are, then once his days are ordered he’ll have absolutely no grounds to get it changed other than through the court. The one thing to consider however is that he may ask more more access, and if the court feels that he’s able to do it and it would be beneficial to DD then they’ll grant it, so you might not come out with what you want.

He doesn't pay a penny in child maintenance. I have explained why he should, and that I could pursue it. However he feels because he has her 2.5 days a week he shouldn't have to. I haven't pushed it because it's been historically acrimonious and I've been trying to keep things as balanced as possible for DD. That's a whole other story. He also lives in a caravan in his parents garden, so I doubt a court would agree to him having her more than the 40% of time he already does??

It depends how much it gets to you, but if I were you, with someone who can't/won't stick to agreed contact, I would get a legal agreement in place. Honestly. She's only 4, you have a very long time to go of it being like this. My DP has custody of his son because the mum went AWOL for years, then when the boy was 6 she suddenly started trying to call the shots and he allowed it to some extent, but then she ended up taking him to court for full custody!! Which she was denied, but a contact agreement was written up as a part of that process and things are much better now (we'll he's almost an adult now so it's not really relevant anymore) as things are set in stone from a legal perspective.

Go to court.

I've replied and told him we have plans but he can collect her at 2:30, which ensures we have enough time to be home and ready. I know that long term court would be best. Just need to brace myself and the situation with covid has made it easier for me to avoid and bury my head in the sand about what is probably inevitable.

Oh if you've got something arranged that will take until nearly 3.15, that's simple:

"I'm sorry but we're doing X, so won't be available til 3.15 as normal. Arranged it a while ago."

Sounds like you’re child is turning into a weapon. Could you ask for mediation? Life is very short and you get one shot at being parents. If you’re constantly playing a tug of war over your child they’ll end up hating you both.

I don’t see what the issue is here . It looks like he irritates you with his demeanour, but he is wanting to see her, it’s only a bit early, yes on his terms, but digging your heels in over this is a bit pointless

Pick your battles