To not ttc because of family issues

[Milsplus3]

I will be ttc from this month (haven’t ovulated yet) after months of prep and excitement.
However, there is a huge argument currently ongoing between family members that I am often being dragged into as one of them only speaks to me and no one else in the family. The other people expect me to pick sides and be involved to sort things out, but it isn’t my fight. There have been police involved which I have had to make witness statements to, and caused further divides and strains on relationships. The stress has made me ill in the past (this has been going on for a year) I lost 2 stone and couldn’t keep food down. I get anxiety attacks if another ‘episode’ begins and I am expected to support the ‘victim’ whoever that may be at the time. I don’t feel this feud will die down for some time and I have avoided any involvement, asking both sides to keep me out of it. This resulted in some relatives verbally assaulting me and making threats to say I was involved so they could report me, despite the fact I have children, a job, a life and want to get on with it without their stress affecting me.
So AIBU to ttc right now with the possible risk the stress will affect my pregnancy and baby?
It’s not as simple to cut away as one particular relative does need me at this time, and I feel they’re unaware how negatively it’s affecting my Immediate family. I know if I didn’t ttc I would be very angry and resentful that their behaviour has changed our life plans, but I’m scared it will hurt my baby. Any advice?

Don't ask both sides to keep you out of it, tell them. Keep your involvement purely for the absolutely necessary to help the relative that needs your help. Any communications that are negative outside of this should be met with a simple, I will not be getting involved, do not include me in any further discussions regarding this matter. Go no contact (temporarily or permanently) with anyone who doesn't respect your wishes. And don't change your life plans because you've got shitty relatives, just be firm.

I think you need to put in some firm boundaries. You sound like a very kind person who is suffering as a result of their bad behaviour. You're not a family therapist and you have your own life and own issues to worry about.

Stop being in the middle, you haven’t mentioned the crime. If it involves violence or sexual abuse you may have to pick a side as such it’s hard to tell what is right but you are correct in that it’s not your problem to solve. Plus unless you are fast approaching 40 I would just wait a few months with the current state of the world.

Boundaries and no or low contact!

Why don't they know, aren't you telling them straight?

My children have fell out, even as their Mother, I've made it clear that they are not dragging me into it. One of my DD's has gone NC. I manage my relationships separately.

You need to examine why your needs are less important to theirs. You are putting something on hold that is the most important decision you will ever make. Ehy are you willing to do that? They don't care about you to that extent.

Unless you ttc, you don't know if you can. Then you've got issues like miscarriage and secondary infertility, which I had in my early twenties. It took me ten years to have another.

Stop feeling responsible, build your own life, as you are entitled to.

You know that phrase 'Dont shoot the messenger' well 9 to es our of ten the neutral peacemaker gets hung drawn and quartered by a complete pile on.
As the above posters have said - you need to say, enough now. Step back and let them get on with it.

There is rarely a right time to have a baby. You could do with a bigger house, replacing the car, paying off that credit card, waiting til the older one starts school, til your parent has that operation etc. In my case we met when we were older, 39 and cousk have done with more time as a couple but we ran the risk of it being too late if we left it for a couple of years. Sometimes you have to just close your eyes, hold you nose and jump off the cliff.

I don't know about the pregnancy/stress issue but I am here to gently suggest you get some (more, if you already have) counselling to enable you to set healthy boundaries.

It doesn't sound like you feel capable of doing that at the moment, to the point where you are physically ill with stress - you cannot control what they're all doing and the drama they create but you can control your response to it and how much space you give it in your life and (eventually, with work) in your head.

You very much need to do that or you will always be in limbo waiting for their nonsense to start again and letting it affect your life in enormous ways, like changing your plans to try and conceive.

Thank you all so much, this is just what I needed to hear. I know I can’t be responsible for their issues and no matter how many times I tell them to leave me alone, they don’t. I have gone NC with the majority of them, but they can’t handle it and drag my name back into the situation every chance they get. There is violence and abuse yes. I have had years of counselling due to these people but it’s never helped sadly. You’re all right I can’t put my life on hold for them, I just worry that stress can cause miscarriage and that they will cost me my baby.

It is unlikely they will cause a miscarriage.
But you need to take a long hard look at whether you want any of these people in your life. And when you've gone NC don't get drawn back.

Maybe more counselling or reading Toxic Families. This is not what you want for your child.

Regarding your update OP. Glad you have taken something from these posts but I think you have look at how you react to the family drama. I bet none of your counsellors told you to keep fighting loosing battles.

You say they drag your name into the situation every chance they get - only if you let them. They clearly know how to push your buttons - the trick is to remove the buttons. You don't have to defend yourself or stand your corner. If your name is 'dragged up' so what. Ignore it. It's just your name if you don't get involved. Let them say what the want - they will anyway but remove yourself, don't listen to the gossip and rumours. Stop feeding the beast.

Don’t ask not be involved, just don’t get involved. The person that needs support can do the same.

Agreed with PPs - it's really easy to think "They said X about me so I have to respond", or "They were abusive to family member, I need to defend them" or even "They were physically violent to Y, I now need to care for Y/defend them/tell them it was wrong/be involved with the police".

But you don't! If they contact you to tell you what's happening, block them or ignore it. If they know where you live and won't leave you alone, make plans to be able to move at some point (if you can't quickly), and then don't share your address. If you're asked to pick sides, don't. If they harass you (sustained contact when calmly asked not to etc), involve the police.

These might seem like drastic measures, but you're already living the drastic consequences of their actions (and the way you respond to them). You are not required or obliged to stay in contact with or support people who make you so ill you're scared you will not be able to carry a child.

Plus, removing them completely from your life before you do have a baby is probably a good thing - it's just another pawn for them to use.

And the relative who needs you - if they're not part of the abusive behaviour, then tell them you won't listen to or engage with any conversation about those who do, and then stick to it. Leave or hang up the phone if they try and drag you in.

If they're just as much a part of it, arrange other support - give them the number for the council care team, mental health team, GP, whatever services are relevant, and STEP. AWAY. Nobody who damages your mental health is entitled to your help, even if you feel obliged.

Thank you all, you’ve given me the push I need to end this for myself and my children once and for all.

The relative I am supporting has been physically assaulted on many occasions but the police believe the NC relatives that it’s made up. As my relative has mental health issues and early onset dementia, it makes it difficult to prove despite physical evidence that it was caused by these people. It’s heartbreaking to see them suffer alone so I check on them daily as they haven’t got any other family, but the NC relatives cause further drama for them and I can’t do anything about it but be their listening ear. There is social service involvement at the moment with help from the police to try and get my relative the support they need, but the NC relatives lash out at me for being ‘responsible’. They are nasty, violent people unfortunately and even by blocking them and filing police reports I am always looking over my shoulder.