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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about normal life events?

59 replies

FraughtwithGin · 17/10/2020 22:23

People are born, people die, people get married (or not), people have children.
Why do I get the impression that each of these events is supposed to be "earth-shattering", "devastating" or any other expression you care to thing of?
It is LIFE, get over it! (And if you are under 29, please resist the impulse to photo it and post on social media, many thanks).

OP posts:

Onthelowdown · 17/10/2020 23:09

These are big things to the individual though.
Re social media, I don’t post anything and I’m fairly private in my communications but I don’t begrudge others sharing theirs. What would you prefer social media was filled with?

LockdownLump · 17/10/2020 23:12

I do not feel responsible for them they are out of my control

I am sorry for your losses OP. Your post makes more sense now.

Iftheclouds · 17/10/2020 23:14

I see all these events as very important in a persons life.

1Morewineplease · 17/10/2020 23:20

I think I'm with you OP.
Social media means nothing to me in my private life.
I've divulged bits on MN in passing but I don't live my life on social media.
And I'd never dream of posting my children's lives on social media .
I've worried about how they'd feel ten, twenty years on.
I know I was right because both of my adult children have thanked me for not posting their first steps, food covered heads, their traumas etc.. on social media ( although SM wasn't prevalent when they were young.)

Onthelowdown · 17/10/2020 23:20

Sorry cross post - some seek comfort from others and some in solitude.
If you wished comfort from others, reach out and you’ll likely be surprised at the level of support you receive.

If, like me, you seek comfort in solitude, please don’t begrudge others something that maybe critical to their mental health.

For any positive events, I still don’t believe you’ve any position to dictate what people are comfortable with sharing with others. If direct you can always give a polite but lukewarm response - if indirect you can simply ignore. No need to rain on anyone’s parade.

AriettyHomily · 17/10/2020 23:22

Why post a post on a public forum if you don't want comments. Just don't post.

Sparklesocks · 17/10/2020 23:24

People grieve and process things differently.
One way people might do that is by sharing memories or sentiments publicly. This might be the complete opposite of how others approach the same situation. I’m sorry for your terrible losses, everyone navigates their own path in different ways.

MountainDweller · 17/10/2020 23:35

Everyone is born once and they die once.
Most people only suffer the loss of a parent twice.
Many people only get married once.
Most people only give birth a few times, some not at all
Surely that means these are major life events and worthy of note?
Unlike baking cakes, going to work, going on holiday... most people do these hundreds and thousands of times in their life and they still post about them on SM...

indemMUND · 17/10/2020 23:57

Empathy? Or lack of?
You do you. Other people will too.

Powerbunting · 18/10/2020 09:27

Did you not grieve for your husband and parents?

However you did it, whatever outward or inward expressions of their passing you made, how would it feel to be told you are wrong? You are doing grieving wrong.

You don't want to post on social media about it? Fine. But it exists for others to use.

And now, when the usual ways of making and sharing life's events are curtailed, social media is a sticking plaster of comfort for some.

I'm so glad that my 60 year old aunt could post about her sister's death this week in your eyes, as obviously my 25 year old brother should not. I'll just ignore the money being raised in her memory partly as a result of those parts and try not to get any glimmer of good from an awful situation.

Or... I could say screw you and your misanthropic view of the world. You grieve how you want to, and let others do the same

yellowmaoampinball · 18/10/2020 09:31

If you've really experienced all those losses and can't understand why others would be devestated by loss then I actually think you need some help. Genuinely. You sound a bit fucked up, which is unsurprising considering. Have you had any therapy or considered it at all?

FromDespairToHere · 18/10/2020 14:16

I'm sorry for your losses, FraughtwithGin

At the risk of sounding absolutely awful, you've either not processed your grief very well or you're a complete psychopath. I couldn't stop my parents from dying either but that doesn't stop me from missing them and being sad that they're not here.

AnxMummy10 · 18/10/2020 14:19

Sorry for your losses op. It sounds like you are still grieving? That is alot of trauma for one person.
I hope posters can be kinder.

Racoonworld · 18/10/2020 14:21

What do you think should be posted on social media then? These are huge life events for most people and surely friends and family will be interested to see the posts.

Crunchymum · 18/10/2020 14:21

@FraughtwithGin

People are born, people die, people get married (or not), people have children. Why do I get the impression that each of these events is supposed to be "earth-shattering", "devastating" or any other expression you care to thing of? It is LIFE, get over it! (And if you are under 29, please resist the impulse to photo it and post on social media, many thanks).

I'll bear your words in mind at my mum's funeral tomorrow. She dropped dead a few week ago, apologies I'm not over it yet!!!

SueEllenMishke · 18/10/2020 14:28

I'm sorry for your losses.
I have experienced some pretty traumatic events in my life but have taken a different approach to life - I celebrate everything. Life is too short. Enjoy it.

OrtamLeevz · 18/10/2020 14:33

Everyone is different and experiences emotions (particularly grief) in their own way.

PlanDeRaccordement · 18/10/2020 14:35

Just because an event is common, it doesn’t make it insignificant to the people affected by it. Death, birth, marriage, all are very significant events. If you’d said that you are tired of people act like they are first woman to ever give birth or first person to ever lose a relative to death or the most in love couple to ever get married, then I’d agree 100% with you OP.

BrieAndChilli · 18/10/2020 14:36

So in your opinion what are events that people are allowed to get worked up/upset/happy about? Or are we all supposed to be robots not having any emotion about anything ever?!

BrieAndChilli · 18/10/2020 14:38

A broken leg still hurts regardless of the fact that millions of people around the world break thier leg! Are people not supposed to feel pain because it’s an everyday occurrence globally?
Equally somebody who sprains thier ankle still feels some pain regardless of whether the pain is less than a broken ankle!

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2020 14:38

People can feel whatever they want about their life events.

lazylinguist · 18/10/2020 14:42

These situations happen to others every day, what is the big deal?

Each individual human has only one life. Each individual human tends to have people they particularly love and are close to. Expecting them not to be profoundly affected by major events in their own relatively short time on the planet just because those things also happen to other people is frankly stupid. Do you have children, OP? If your child were terminally ill or hit by a car, would you just think "Oh well, never mind. It happens to loads of people!"?

And if you are under 29, please resist the impulse to photo it and post on social media, many thanks

You do realise it's not compulsory for you to be on social media looking at other people's photos, right? People can post what they damn well like. Who the hell do you think you are, giving instructions about how people interact with each other?

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2020 14:44

I hope that the sitis that you've shut down and not, as said, a psychopath.

Most people would feel devastation if their Husband, Parents etc died. Were you dealing with your DH's mental health for a while? That can change our reactions.

ilikebooksandplants · 18/10/2020 14:45

This is a very silly post - in real life there's a balance between 'shouldn't even register' and 'earth shattering'.

These events are hugely significant to the people involved and should be celebrated or marked in whatever meaningful way those people choose (weddings, births, funerals). Although in the grand scheme of life people are born, get married and die every single day and the world carries on turning, that doesn't mean on a personal level those events are not world changing and cannot be marked - it is good to celebrate and grieve together - it is what humans do and how we get through life (but I do get a bit eye-rolly about people who think the entire world revolves around their child, or their wedding).

I hate over sharing on social media, really. But it's a convenient way to tell people on the periphery of my life what is happening (I have many friends all over the world who I assume would be interested in the news if I got married or had a child or died) so I don't think the odd picture is an unforgivable crime. I think there's a balance.

Ponoka7 · 18/10/2020 14:45

Also, I would say that it's more unexpected to loose your Parents/Spouse under 29. We also process things better as we get older.

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